feeding fear

I'm reading a book called Feeding Your Demons by Tsultrim Allione. The general idea is that when you try to fight or repress your demons (fears, obsessions, things you are ashamed of ..), they become stronger. When you bring them into the light, you can address them instead of hiding from them or fighting them and eventually turn their energy into a positive force.

The book explains a Tibetan practice - a five step visualization exercise - on how to do this. I tried the exercise and thought I'd share my results. (I had no expectations going into it since I generally think of myself as not very good at visualizing.)

I close my eyes and breathe.

I start to ask, "What demon should I work with?" but, before I can even form the question, the word fear comes into my head. I wait for a bit to see if there is more and get fear - fear - fear of failure.

I ask what this fear looks like. Instantly, I get an image. It is a pencil drawing of a tall, thin, angular woman. She has a long pointed nose, black stringy hair, and small beady eyes. She looks oddly familiar. I puzzle over the familiarity until it hits me - she is the mean teacher in Roald Dahl's Matilda. This distracts me for a bit because I haven't seen that book in ages - how on earth do I know this.

I ask the fear some questions - and then answer them as if I am the fear. As the fear, I tell me:

I want you to keep your job.

I need you to know that I'm trying to protect you - to keep you safe - because I love you. You don't need to be afraid of me. (At which point I get teary-eyed; apparently I feel misunderstood.)

If I get what I need, I will feel safe and protected.

I am now neither the fear nor myself. I watch myself dissolving into a puddle of complete safety and protection. It looks like a sparkling river. The woman begins drinking from the river through a long straw (she's still standing, towering over the river). As she drinks, her angular face becomes round and beautiful. She then kneels down and begins drinking directly from the river. As she continues to drink, she turns into a baby. When she is satiated, she is a happy gurgling smiling baby rolling around on its back.

I watch the baby for a while and then a beautiful silver wolf appears. I ask him some questions - and then answer them as if I am the wolf. As the wolf, I tell me:

I will help you by showing you that you have all the strength you need inside of you.

I am here to teach you to hear and honor your intuition.

You can gain access to me by leaning your head to the side a little, as if you were resting your head against my shoulder.

The wolf and the baby dissolve into me - and I sit with this for a while.

Needless to say, I was blown away. I had no idea that my fear was there to keep me safe. It is so instinctive for me to think of my fears as bad, and to want to get rid of them. This was a good reminder that they are there for a reason - and this will hopefully help me meet them (and me) with more love and compassion.

Comments

[Lori Enos]

That was an amazing post. I also don't think I'm very good at visualization as I usually end up getting distracted, but I'll have to try talking to my fear. Thanks for the great post.

[elizabeth @ the blue lotus]

@lori: i'm glad you enjoyed it! i usually don't see anything .. but i've gotten useful insights from exercises in the past without actually seeing anything - will have to describe that some time - so i don't mind trying it. it was nice to actually see something this time though :)