retinal perspectives

the basics

I have a story for you.

One evening, I went to play a YouTube video on my computer. No sound. I fiddled with the speaker connection a few times and then decided that my speakers must be dead. Oh well .. they lasted for over six years so I wasn't too disturbed. I figured I'd just use the default audio on my computer and unplugged the speakers altogether.

Huh. Still no sound. I peered all around the computer trying to figure out where the sound would come out, before deciding that apparently my computer needed speakers in order to play sound. This struck me as all wrong somehow - how could a computer not have sound - but I figured I'd just get by without audio until I bought a new computer.

Until the next morning, when I realized that no audio meant I couldn't hear the instructor on my yoga DVD. This, I considered a serious problem. (True confession: for a brief moment I considered overnight express, until I realized it would cost as much as new speakers.)

So, I dragged myself to the mall to visit the Apple store and went home with new speakers. I pulled them out and was immediately unhappy. So many wires. I hate wires. But I got them all set up and turned on the sound.

Huh. Still no sound. Now I was cross. This meant a second trip to the mall (did I mention that I avoid malls) to return them.

I was tired from the set-up and crossness so I laid on the bed to calm down. After a few minutes, I idly wondered if the volume was off and got up to check.

Yes. That's right. Somehow I had turned the volume all the way down without realizing it. My computer does have sound. My speakers still work. And I didn't need to visit the mall at all.

How on earth does this relate to wellness, you ask?

Good question!

When you're feeling icky or emotional or upset, sometimes it's a good idea to first check the basics. Are you getting enough sleep? Are you well rested? Are you eating enough? Are you eating food that nourishes you? Are you drinking enough water? Are you relatively de-stressed?

If the basics are taken care off, then maybe it is something deeper. But if not, remember that the basics are the basics for a reason. They're that important.

samwiches

People.

I have decided to share my latest sandwich creation with you. I have eaten it at least once a day for a week; it is that good.

My sandwich creations are not always greeted with enthusiasm, however, so I recognize that you may read this and decide that you can never again listen to anything I say about food. My loss, I suppose. But the sandwich must be shared.

So ..

Toast a piece of bread. (I love Dave's Killer Bread - Powerseed.)

Butter lightly.

Top with very thin (almost translucent) slices of cheddar.

Add a layer of sliced cucumbers.

Add thin slices of red onion.

Sprinkle with sea salt.

Take a bite and sigh with bliss.

Actually, the sandwich is pretty normal, as sandwiches go. It's the butter and cheese that seems to cause problems. What can I say. I like calcium. I mean dairy products.

get out of my head

Do you ever wish you could get out of your head? Go back to the days when you were blissfully self-unaware?

I go through these periods. There is generally whining involved. (Sometimes to me. Sometimes to others.) There is the occasional pillow punch (which then invokes guilt because pillow punching makes the four-legged housemate nervous and sad). There is much self-pity. "Why oh why can't I just be normal and not think about these things and want to work on them!" and "Why oh why is this all so hard!" and "Aren't I done yet?!" and "I'd like to turn the reiki off now please!" There might be snacking, if I actually have snacks on hand. (I am sorely lacking today. Well, I have orange creamsicle colored watermelon - which is lovely in itself but it's not great self-pity food.) There is weeping and gnashing of teeth. (Ok, not really, but I like the phrase.)

Oh, I know it will pass. But sometimes it seems like it was all so much simpler back then. (I say back then like it was ages ago. Ummmm .. it was last fall.) When I could eat my pancakes for breakfast and be happy - and not notice that my stomach felt like a lead weight and I was miserable afterwards so perhaps I should consider not eating wheat in the mornings. Or when I could feel a sharp pain in my heart and think it must be gas - instead of knowing that something is probably coming up to be addressed. Or when I could just get annoyed - instead of getting annoyed and then being interested that I'm annoyed and wondering what "my stuff" is that's making me annoyed.

Oh the other hand, back then I couldn't whine on the internet. It really is the little things.

feeding fear

I'm reading a book called Feeding Your Demons by Tsultrim Allione. The general idea is that when you try to fight or repress your demons (fears, obsessions, things you are ashamed of ..), they become stronger. When you bring them into the light, you can address them instead of hiding from them or fighting them and eventually turn their energy into a positive force.

The book explains a Tibetan practice - a five step visualization exercise - on how to do this. I tried the exercise and thought I'd share my results. (I had no expectations going into it since I generally think of myself as not very good at visualizing.)

I close my eyes and breathe.

I start to ask, "What demon should I work with?" but, before I can even form the question, the word fear comes into my head. I wait for a bit to see if there is more and get fear - fear - fear of failure.

I ask what this fear looks like. Instantly, I get an image. It is a pencil drawing of a tall, thin, angular woman. She has a long pointed nose, black stringy hair, and small beady eyes. She looks oddly familiar. I puzzle over the familiarity until it hits me - she is the mean teacher in Roald Dahl's Matilda. This distracts me for a bit because I haven't seen that book in ages - how on earth do I know this.

I ask the fear some questions - and then answer them as if I am the fear. As the fear, I tell me:

I want you to keep your job.

I need you to know that I'm trying to protect you - to keep you safe - because I love you. You don't need to be afraid of me. (At which point I get teary-eyed; apparently I feel misunderstood.)

If I get what I need, I will feel safe and protected.

I am now neither the fear nor myself. I watch myself dissolving into a puddle of complete safety and protection. It looks like a sparkling river. The woman begins drinking from the river through a long straw (she's still standing, towering over the river). As she drinks, her angular face becomes round and beautiful. She then kneels down and begins drinking directly from the river. As she continues to drink, she turns into a baby. When she is satiated, she is a happy gurgling smiling baby rolling around on its back.

I watch the baby for a while and then a beautiful silver wolf appears. I ask him some questions - and then answer them as if I am the wolf. As the wolf, I tell me:

I will help you by showing you that you have all the strength you need inside of you.

I am here to teach you to hear and honor your intuition.

You can gain access to me by leaning your head to the side a little, as if you were resting your head against my shoulder.

The wolf and the baby dissolve into me - and I sit with this for a while.

Needless to say, I was blown away. I had no idea that my fear was there to keep me safe. It is so instinctive for me to think of my fears as bad, and to want to get rid of them. This was a good reminder that they are there for a reason - and this will hopefully help me meet them (and me) with more love and compassion.

if at first you don't succeed, paint again

I'm working on a painting.

(Well, that might be a stretch. I spent a weekend painting. Then, it sat for a month while I looked at it every day and sighed. Then, I spent one evening this weekend painting. Again followed by sighs.)

This one painting is teaching me about failure.

The lesson: Apparently knowing what I want can be as paralyzing as not knowing what I want - because I'm afraid I'll mess it up.

The reason for the daily sighs .. I was on my fourth or fifth re-do of the painting. I had a version that I finally loved. I was excited to hang it on my wall when it dried. I did one last little thing to finish it off and it ruined it. I painted over the entire canvas in order to re-do it yet again.

Except I was afraid to start - in case I messed it up again.

How does this apply to my life?

I have a job. A fine job. But it's not the thing I'm meant to be doing. For years, I was stuck because I didn't know what exactly it was I was supposed to be doing instead. But when I finally knew the answer, it didn't change anything. I was still stuck. Only now it wasn't because I didn't know what to do, it was because I knew what to do but I didn't want to mess it up.

So .. here's what I've learned from my painting.

Every time I "mess it up", I learn something new. Something that adds to the next version of the painting. Every version is better than the previous version.

Every time I "mess it up", I add a new layer to the painting. I love texture and each layer adds its own elements of interest to the mix.

Better to try and "mess it up" than not to try at all.

In the end, it's just a painting. It is supposed to be fun, but sometimes I take it much too seriously.

Now I just need to remember the lessons.

(By the way, I did re-do the painting after work. And yes, I messed it up again. Clearly this next version is going to be fantastic.)

you - in one word

If you could pick any one word that people would use to describe you, what would it be?

Me - I'd pick delightful.

(Well, I'd actually pick YOU, but that only works if someone is talking to you. "You're so YOU." Perfect. "She's so HER." Yeah, not so great. Also, YOU isn't really a quality. But hey - in this world where I get to pick how people see me, I'm pretty sure I get to make up qualities too.)

Why delightful? It's a word that makes me think of joy, of pleasure, and also of pleasant surprise - like something was surprisingly more pleasurable than I even anticipated. I would love for that to be the impression I left behind me.

Besides, delightful is a delightful word. We really don't use it enough.

So, what word would you pick?!

shiva nata

[Note: I posted a very similar entry on my photo blog a while back because it suited the photo. My apologies if you read both.]

A few weeks ago, I stumbled across a blog about something called Shiva Nata. It's a form of movement that apparently restructures the neural connections in your brain. The reason I was intrigued (besides the promise of near-constant epiphanies - I do love epiphanies) was because it's not meant to be mastered. Ever. You always want it to be hard (otherwise the epiphanies go away!).

I am a recovering perfectionist. Confession: the idea of something being hard forever and ever sounds horrible. Just horrible. If I can't figure something out quickly, I get extremely frustrated and tend to give up (occasionally I even cry or whine, just ask my sister). So, I decided that clearly I needed this practice to help break my pattern (or at least make peace with it) and ordered the DVD.

I've been practicing for ten to fifteen minutes a day for maybe two weeks now. I am still waiting for my epiphanies (well, I've had a few little ones) but I just love it.

First, it is wacky. The mental image of me practicing would make me chuckle if I weren't concentrating so hard.

Second, it is shaping my arms like nothing I've ever seen. What can I say, I am easily motivated by the superficial.

Third, I can absolutely feel the energy moving in my body afterwards so I know it's doing something. When I sit in mediation afterwards (ok, so mostly I just lie in savasana pose; ok, on my bed; same idea) the colors and shapes and movements behind my eyes are fantastic - like they get when I'm giving myself a reiki treatment and it's really working to unblock something.

Fourth, it is hard! And I know it's supposed to be hard. Just for fun, I tried to do the leg movements and I nearly fell over. And sometimes when I'm trying to follow the DVD, I feel like I'm just flailing my arms in the air with no resemblance to the actual moves at all.

Anyway, if you're intrigued, check it out!

love thyself

A month or so ago, I spent thirty minutes listening to someone tell me what a horrible and worthless person I am. (Mostly true, by the way; I will never claim to behave perfectly.) It wasn't the first time I had heard this but this time, the effect on me was different.

In truth, it was the greatest gift I could have been given. I spent so many years seeking love and approval from others. I thought I needed it. Somehow, that phone call reminded me that I have all the unconditional love I will ever need - it is inside of me and it is in my relationship with my Creator. In the end, that is all that really matters.

But ever since, the words have been running through my mind in random moments and I could not figure out why. Then it hit me. It was because anything negative that anyone could ever say to me pales in comparison to what I have said to myself in the past.

I have come to believe that one of the most important things we can do in life is to learn to love and forgive ourselves. Because if we could live our lives from a core of absolute peace and love and kindness, doesn't it seem natural that we would be able to extend that peace and love and kindness out to others? Just imagine that world!

Besides, all the great Teachers have essentially said that love is the answer - who am I to argue. (Apparently I am slow because it took me 30-some years to figure out that they weren't just talking about loving others.)

home is where the heart is

When I crossed the border during my move to Oregon, I felt like I had come home. Odd, perhaps, to be so sure that you belong someplace you have never been, but that's how I felt.

The longer I live here, the more sure I am that this is home. Oh, I could (and perhaps will) be happy living in lots of other places - but part of my heart will live here forever.

It was a jolt of recognition then to see the following lines in Under a Tuscan Sun (a good book to read when it's hot): "In my mind, however, it's not just to the first house, but to the first concept of self .. That pure surge of pleasure, flash flood of joy - to find the electric jolt of the outside place that corresponds to the inside - that's it."

Perhaps that explains the sense of homecoming. Perhaps at some level, I knew that I had found the place that felt like me - the place where I would finally find myself again.