oh, the hard

I have this thing that happens a lot. I don't really know how to explain it, but it's like there is a block in the back of my throat. (It's in the throat chakra, if you are familiar with the concept of chakras.) It's this heavy dense thing that just sits there, thick and pulsating and very - oh so very - present. This thing is blocking the energy from moving freely around my body.

By now, it almost feels like a part of me. Every once in a while - usually during a BodyTalk session - it releases its grip, the energy moves again, and I feel free. By that evening, it's back again.

The emotion that always comes up for it is fear. Also terror, at least in the last BodyTalk session.

I sat down to meditate one night and just focused on the thickness and the next thing I knew, I was crying. I could see this thing, like a little PacMan, chomping away in the back of my throat. Then I pretty much cried off and on the rest of the evening.

However, along with the crying came some realizations. (I think I have Shiva Nata to thank for this. I had done a longer-than-usual practice earlier that day and it wore me out so much I fell asleep and was out like a light for 90 minutes.)

Basically, the long and short of it is, it seems the thickness/fear are partly related to my burn.

See, apparently I had decided that I was done healing for that. It had been more than a few months since I started this whole reiki thing and I thought it certainly shouldn't take that long to heal. Because, I mean, really; it could have been much worse. And anyway, talking about it makes other people feel bad (because it was an accident). And really, I should just be able to get over it already.

So, that's why there is the stuckness in my throat. Because the pain and fear are still very real to me. And because I keep using words like "get over it" and "get rid of it" like it's something that needs to be eradicated instead of a part of me just like any other part of me that needs acceptance and love. And because I am refusing to think about it, so it has to find a way to make me recognize its presence.

But even with the realizations, I am still in this hard place.

I'm having trouble accepting the fact that I still have healing to do.

I'm not really ready to work on it right now.

I don't even really want to think about it.

I certainly don't want to accept the fear and pain.

I am not terribly thrilled that I don't seem to want to do the work.

That is where I am. I am trying to be ok with it. I'm not - exactly. I'm trying to be ok with that too.

It is hard.

I tend to blog about what's on my mind. I liked when authenticity was on my mind. Fear - not so much. Clearly.

Comments

[Julie M.]

That does sound hard! :( Sometimes I wonder if some of the bigger issues run so deep and have been so influential that they become a part of us. It gets hard to seperate everything... makes the healing that much more difficult.

[Ginae McDonald]

Thank you for this post. I am just starting to learn Reiki and I have someone close to me who does this. She's pretty fresh from surgery, so her *burn* could be her carotid artery tumor removal.

Hopefully, Reiki will help you to work through it, rather than your dismissing it :)

Surely, more tears are in store for you :(

Sending my blessings.

[Toni]

I think some pains are with you for a lifetime, they never go away. You can bury them deep within you, but periodically they force their way to the surface and confront you and make you deal with them, at least temporarily until you can shove them back down again. At least in my experience. ;)

I hope the reiki works for you, E. Tears are good for us, you know. They are cleansing.

[elizabeth @ the blue lotus]

@julie: I wonder too. It seems logical. I know that a lot of the things I struggle with are all related.

@ginae: reiki has definitely helped! At a minimum, it brought things to the surface, without which - while I do complain from time to time - healing might never have started. Thank you for the blessings! You have mine - as does your friend. I hope her healing goes well.

@toni: I won't mind the memory, but I hope the pain eventually eases (for me and you). Yes, tears are good. I will mind them less in the winter; I will have long sleeves to wipe my eyes with then. ;-)