retinal perspectives

the end of a bad relationship

This weekend, I ended my relationship with my scale. Again. They do say that the third time is the charm.

I used to have this very cool scale + body fat monitor. It was a gift from my parents. I loved it. Well .. I loved hated it. I hated the numbers on it and my mood plummeted every time I stepped on it for years. But I loved the idea of it. I stopped using that scale for a while and when I finally pulled it out of the closet to start up again, it was dead (probably of neglect, poor thing).

I replaced it with a very ordinary non-digital scale. There was no love for that scale. I owned it during a period when I was gaining weight so it was a definite mood downer. I finally got rid of it when I decided to try to re-learn the concept of intuitive eating.

Later, I went out and bought this particular scale. My relationship with food and my body was changing, but I still wasn't losing weight. (I have a post about weight in the drafts folder in my head .. someday I will write it down because I find it very interesting.) I decided that maybe my dislike for scales was just an excuse to not see the numbers and thus avoid the work. So, I bought one. There went my mood again. Daily or weekly or sporadically. Basically however often I stepped on it.

Then, I stopped using the scale. I was doing this exercise where you had to look in the mirror and say "I love you" to yourself and I couldn't do it. I could not get the words out. It took many many tries before I could say it without breaking down. I stopped using the scale then because I realized that it was yet another tool that I was using to hate on myself for .. and I wanted it to stop. It sat in my closet gathering dust. Eventually, my shape began to change and my clothes began to loosen.

This past weekend, I thought, "Hey - I should pull the scale out just for fun and see how much weight I've lost!"  According to the scale, I had lost no weight at all. For a brief second, I was peeved - and convinced that the scale was broken. (Yes, I know all about muscle vs fat and body shape .. but still ..) And then I laughed aloud. Because I realized - finally - that it really is just a number. And that I really don't care what that number is. So the scale is gone .. never to return. Yay.

at the end of the day, here's what I think about reiki

It's been almost a year since my first reiki attunement. Since then, I have given myself a reiki treatment every day - on some hard days, more like two or three. Next month, I should really spend some time thinking about everything that has changed since then.

When I started this blog, I wrote a post wherein I gave a short explanation of reiki. I figured I'd talk about reiki quite a bit (as it turns out, I talked about it less than I expected), and that an explanation might help people who were unfamiliar with it. In the post, I gave the standard explanation: it's spiritually guided energy.

I think about that explanation quite often, and sometimes I think I am doing reiki a disservice by using it. Not because I think it isn't true. But because I think that for many people, it turns something that is simple and healing and accessible into something that is confusing and out-there and inaccessible. And that, I think, is a shame.

When I first heard about reiki, I read the descriptions and went, "Yeah .. right .. whatever .. and you can send it over a distance .. *giggle* .." After all, I didn't really buy the whole energy thing so the description lost me right from the beginning. But I am drawn to the wacky and willing to try most anything under the holistic wellness label at least once so I tried it anyway - and I cannot even begin to tell you how profoundly grateful I am that I did.

So .. at the end of the day, here's what I think about reiki.

It gave me a place where I felt safe and supported enough to finally listen to myself and learn who I was and what I really needed - which was what allowed me to really begin my healing journey.

a taste of summer, take two

I am getting into this freezing food thing. I washed and de-seeded some red bell peppers, cut them into long strips, and threw them in the freezer too. I can grab a handful from the bag to toss into a saute pan with onions later this winter.

We'll see how this goes.

I think the key is to be practical about what I freeze. I tend to freeze things like soup. Which is fine and all .. but I don't have a microwave, so I need to take it out *before* I want to eat it. What usually happens is that when I'm in the mood for it, I haven't taken it out - and when I do take it out, I'm not in the mood for it.

Freshly frozen produce that is ready for the saute pan may be another thing entirely. I do freeze a bag or two of fresh berries every summer and those get eaten. (On the other hand, I always have frozen bananas in the freezer. Do those ever get eaten? No. But yet I continue to freeze them. I have this vague notion that I will bake banana bread someday.)

Clearly I am not meant to be doing things like canning. Baby steps.

who you are

"Everything that you want to change about yourself,

All the parts of yourself that you keep secret,

It's your power.

It's who you are."

- Charles S. Dutton as Alvin Dowd in Fame

Every time I watch the trailer for Fame (yes, I've seen it a few times - I can't wait to see the movie), when I hear this quote, it hits me like a ton of bricks and I have to gulp back tears.

Because oh - so very badly - do I want to become the person who finally really believes that to be true.

the taste of summer

My general shopping habit for produce is that if it's not local, in season, organic, I don't buy it. Not that this means I don't buy the occasional bag of frozen veggies/fruit or can of tomatoes or bunch of bananas (is there anywhere in the States where bananas are local?), but in general. And yes, I realize I'm spoiled, because early and late in the season, I can sort of count northern California as local. Yay.

I think this started two winters ago. About the middle of winter last year, I was really craving a fresh tomato, so I gave in and bought one. Did not enjoy it. The thing about only buying produce when it's local and in season is that you realize how much better it tastes.

I made a vegetable ratatouille on Monday with a bunch of veggies including tomatoes, eggplant, red bell pepper, and zucchini. I had the bright idea to double the recipe - and put half of the ratatouille in the freezer. I don't often freeze things because I tend to forget about them until they are very old and ice crusted; however, I'm hoping that this will give me that much-needed taste of summer during a cold rainy week this winter.

bits of randomness

First bit of randomness ..

I had the oddest of odd weeks. I was flighty and ditzy and forgetful and made the kind of mistakes that I never make - and are totally unlike me. (I was starting to feel sorry for my coworkers.)

I even got a note on my apartment door one day saying that I hadn't paid them for rent or parking and that if I didn't pay in a few days, they would start eviction proceedings. Ummmm .. I remembered adding up the water and parking and rent - and writing out the check - and dropping it off. I remembered because I called them right after I dropped off the check to see why on earth my water bill doubled. After wandering around my apartment for a few minutes mumbling something about incompetence (because clearly if I didn't owe them for water, then they got my check - and totally missed the rent and parking part of it), I went online to see if the check had cashed. Lo and behold, the check was written out for the amount of my water bill. Apparently I was so distracted by the water bill that I added it all up only to ignore it. Like I said - mistakes that are totally unlike me.

After this, I started to wonder if I was going crazy. Someone mentioned that Mercury was in retrograde and I even went so far as to think that maybe that was it. I mean, there is always a logical explanation, right? But I was clueless as to what it was.

I was telling one of my coworkers my rent story (because it is a good story) and she asked if I had been getting enough sleep. Sleep! Eureka! I have not been sleeping much at all. No idea why, but sleep is a slippery elusive thing these days. Now, I know just how important it is. (Note to self: Didn't you just write a blog post about the basics. Clearly you should read your own posts.)

Second bit of randomness ..

I have this pattern. I see someone who is not happy. I want them to be happy. I feel like it's my responsibility to make them happy.

This is a very old pattern.

It is not good for the someone(s). They don't need people to try to make them happy. They need people who will be there with them in the hard - and give them the support they need (which is not always trying to make them feel something they are not).

It is not good for me. For many reasons. It means that I take on emotions that are not mine and carry them around with me. It means that I am trying to do a job that is not mine - and doesn't need doing. It means that I feel responsible for someone else's feelings - and the only person who is responsible for how you feel is you. It is a big part of the reason why I could never be myself. Et cetera.

I recognize the pattern now. I guess that's a start.

oh, the hard

I have this thing that happens a lot. I don't really know how to explain it, but it's like there is a block in the back of my throat. (It's in the throat chakra, if you are familiar with the concept of chakras.) It's this heavy dense thing that just sits there, thick and pulsating and very - oh so very - present. This thing is blocking the energy from moving freely around my body.

By now, it almost feels like a part of me. Every once in a while - usually during a BodyTalk session - it releases its grip, the energy moves again, and I feel free. By that evening, it's back again.

The emotion that always comes up for it is fear. Also terror, at least in the last BodyTalk session.

I sat down to meditate one night and just focused on the thickness and the next thing I knew, I was crying. I could see this thing, like a little PacMan, chomping away in the back of my throat. Then I pretty much cried off and on the rest of the evening.

However, along with the crying came some realizations. (I think I have Shiva Nata to thank for this. I had done a longer-than-usual practice earlier that day and it wore me out so much I fell asleep and was out like a light for 90 minutes.)

Basically, the long and short of it is, it seems the thickness/fear are partly related to my burn.

See, apparently I had decided that I was done healing for that. It had been more than a few months since I started this whole reiki thing and I thought it certainly shouldn't take that long to heal. Because, I mean, really; it could have been much worse. And anyway, talking about it makes other people feel bad (because it was an accident). And really, I should just be able to get over it already.

So, that's why there is the stuckness in my throat. Because the pain and fear are still very real to me. And because I keep using words like "get over it" and "get rid of it" like it's something that needs to be eradicated instead of a part of me just like any other part of me that needs acceptance and love. And because I am refusing to think about it, so it has to find a way to make me recognize its presence.

But even with the realizations, I am still in this hard place.

I'm having trouble accepting the fact that I still have healing to do.

I'm not really ready to work on it right now.

I don't even really want to think about it.

I certainly don't want to accept the fear and pain.

I am not terribly thrilled that I don't seem to want to do the work.

That is where I am. I am trying to be ok with it. I'm not - exactly. I'm trying to be ok with that too.

It is hard.

I tend to blog about what's on my mind. I liked when authenticity was on my mind. Fear - not so much. Clearly.

how you treat others

The pup needed some major tiring-out so I took him hiking on Sunday. The woods were silent. I figured the trail was empty and let him off-leash for a bit. He raced along happily, a ways out in front of me.

All of a sudden, I saw him come to a sudden stop. His ears perked up. He cocked his head slightly. His tail went up. His stance was alert and ready.

Then, I heard him snort. I don't know how to describe the noise exactly, but it sounds rather like a horse - that whooshing sound that comes through their nose and lips. He makes it when he's nervous. I saw two people coming around the bend and I knew that, for some reason, he was nervous of them.

I called him. He didn't come. He snorted again, turned slightly towards me, and then turned back. I whistled. He didn't come. I called, "Atlas, I'm leaving you." He didn't come. (I know, I know .. don't let dogs off leash unless they have a rock solid recall. Not the point of the story.) Finally, I gave up and continued towards him.

I got there at the same time the people did. I told them that yes, he was nervous (they suspected so) and that it was probably because of their hats (a bandana and a beret). I talked softly and sweetly to Atlas, reassured him that it was ok to be nervous but that they were friendly, and praised him for being a brave dog. I stayed there with him while he sniffed their hands and they reassured him that they were friendly. Then I continued on - with a happy puppy once again.

It occurred to me as I hiked along that it would be fantastic if I could always remember to treat myself like I treat Atlas.

Sure, I could have gotten mad at him, but it would have done little good and more bad. (I have a tendency to berate myself for fears, especially ones that seem slightly far-fetched. Does it help? No. It just makes me feel worse.)

Sure, I could have tried to force their friendliness upon him, but my telling him is never enough; he has to learn things for himself and in his own time. (I am not always good at meeting myself where I am - at accepting that I'm afraid and acknowledging that maybe I need to stay there for a while if I'm not ready to move through it. I feel like I should just push, push, push through the fears. Does it work? Not so much.)

I love my puppy with a depth that continually amazes me. I love him when he's sad, when he whines, when he barks in my ear, when his tummy is funny and I come home to an accident on my carpet, when he lunges at another dog, when he nips me, when he doesn't listen .. I love him no matter what. I always tell him that if anyone (including me) ever tells him that he is a bad dog, he can just ignore them because it's not true. His behavior might not be desired, but he himself is not bad. (While I am so much better at this now, I could always use more remembering.)

So .. I guess the goal here is to pretend that I am my own dog. At the very least, that ought to make me laugh - and it's hard to berate yourself while laughing.