retinal perspectives

courage doesn't always roar

A friend and I were talking about how oftentimes, unless you suck it up, get over it, or what have you, you are seen as weak.

I actually think it takes a great deal of courage to express your vulnerability.

We all have a strong, instinctual need for connection and love. When we admit that we are vulnerable, that we are scared or hurt or lonely, that we need something (or someone), we are taking a piece of our self that we tend to keep hidden and putting it out there in the open for people to see. In doing so, we are risking that - at best - others will not understand and - at worst - they will turn away from us or use that vulnerability to hurt us. It takes strength and courage to express our vulnerability anyway.

So when you do, give yourself credit. You deserve it.

let them eat cookies

A couple of years ago, I decided to try to re-learn the concept of intuitive eating. This came after too many years of not listening to my body at all when it came to nourishment. (Basically, I alternated between a mean drill sergeant and a very hungry animal. Moderation - in anything - is not really my thing. Clearly.)

If you ask me whether I've re-learned the concept, I would answer no. But the thing is: I don't diet or restrict anymore; I eat what I want, when I want; I eat when I'm hungry or I know that I'm not hungry and I've decided to eat anyway; I don't have good foods and bad foods; I know what affect foods have on me; my weight generally stays the same or decreases .. I think those are all concepts that intuitive eating teaches. So it would seem that I have re-learned it. But yet I don't feel like I have.

I think the problem is that I think about it too much. (I do not think that intuition is supposed to involve thinking.) The problem is - when I think about it - the whole intuitive eating thing seems so complicated to me. I mean, how on earth do I know what my body is telling me to eat.

For example, I just went downstairs and saw the tin of freshly baked pumpkin raisin cookies. I wanted one. But was that my body telling me it wanted a cookie? Or my mind?

And then there was breakfast. I had a small chunk of challah bread with butter because I saw the bread in the frig and it looked good. (Also, it needs to be eaten within the next week or so.) But was it really my body telling me it wanted challah bread?

This makes my head hurt. Somehow - even though I know this is not possible - I wonder if I am waiting for my body to actually talk to me. Like, literally speak. Out loud. Like I said - head hurting.

So .. I have given myself permission. Permission to not know whether I am using the concept or not. Permission to be confused. Permission to eat what I want when I want anyway.

Which is why I must say good night, because there is a tin of freshly baked pumpkin raisin cookies downstairs that is calling my name.

an allergy update

I've mentioned before that I used to be horribly allergic to cats (can't breathe, can't be around them, need steroids ..). And that after I started reiki, I discovered that the allergies were related to a lot of unexpressed fears about being badly burnt when I was little. And that as I started healing, the allergies began to dissipate.

I like to keep track of my progress, because it is my hope that someday my cat allergies will be gone completely - and that I can actually stay at my sister's house when I visit her (she has three lovely cats). The last time I visited, my allergies were much better (as in it took days before my breathing began to worsen rather than seconds).

I took a class back in September that was held at the instructor's home. Fifteen minutes into the first day, her cat wandered into the room. The day before, I wondered if I should email her and check for cats - so I could be prepared - but I decided it might be better not to know. The good news .. two full days of class .. and I was perfectly fine throughout. No symptoms at all. (This where I have to stop and say - seriously, I don't know how it works, but this energy stuff works, people. Amazing.)

After that, I was very excited to visit my sister again. Sadly, I must confess that I was still not 100%. I don't know if it's because she has three cats. I don't know if it's because there is so much history in my head about being in her home and having trouble breathing that I'm psyching myself out. I don't know if it's something else completely. On the bright side, my breathing goes back to normal much more quickly. It used to take days before it was normal again. Now, I just give myself a reiki treatment before bed, and it's usually fine again sometime the next day.

But it's still progress!

seeing energy

This past spring, I went through a 3-month program with a wellness coach on building wellness in all areas of my life. (Loved it, by the way, and would absolutely recommend it - feel free to email me if you are interested and want to hear more.) During the week on intuition, she mentioned that I could learn to read or see people's energy. One of my assignments was to occasionally hang out somewhere like a coffee shop, look at someone, close my eyes, and see if I noticed anything.

I did this, and still do it, a lot. I don't go anywhere in particular; I just look at someone or something, close my eyes, and see if I notice anything. But I don't. I just see black. (Or grey/white .. whatever color it is that you see when you close your eyes.) This is very frustrating to me - especially since it seems like most people who work with energy are able to see it. (Though to be fair, I wasn't really sure that I could learn to see it. I mean, it's invisible - one must be realistic.)

There were, however, a few exceptions. A few times, I tried this on a stray cat in the neighborhood while I was waiting for Atlas to try to make friends with it. I looked at the cat, closed my eyes, and I saw a white silhouette of the cat in my eye. The thing was that I had no idea if this even meant anything. Was I seeing the energy? Was I just imagining the cat? Who knew .. like I said, very frustrating.

I was at a retreat this past week. The love and warmth and acceptance was palpable throughout. It was quite lovely. On the last day, we sat in a circle after finishing a yoga class. When we closed our eyes to meditate, I saw a circle of warm golden glowing silhouettes - the silhouettes of everyone seated in that circle. I wasn't looking for it. It was just there. It was amazing. I wanted to clap with glee. (Except I didn't, because we were supposed to be meditating.)

I know I'll "try" it again .. and become frustrated when nothing happens .. but now I have this reminder of what can happen when I'm not trying and just allow things to happen as they will happen. And I will never forget the beauty of seeing love and light radiating from a group of fantastic women.

come as you are

My head is quiet right now, distracted by other things, but I wanted to pop in and offer up one small thought.

You are perfect, you know, just as you are. You don't have to be, do, or have anything different.

You are perfect - and you are loved.

That is all.

Much love.