dear sweet gremlins

It is funny how you can be freaked out and excited at the same time. Next spring, I plan to officially start practicing reiki. Exciting. Yay. But at the same time, I am totally freaked out. (Which seems odd in one sense because it's not like I don't practice it now .. but I guess I consider that I'm doing it for fun. Not that it won't be fun next spring. But .. you know ..)

Of course, the big scary gremlins have reared their heads at this idea. They like to tell me constantly why this is a bad idea and why I cannot do this.

One of their biggest reasons goes something like this: "What makes you think you can practice reiki. You can't even explain it properly. You don't really understand energy. You can't see energy. You don't believe in past lives. You don't get messages to pass on to the clients. You only started believing that there was such a thing as energy last year. I mean, come on. Look at everyone else who does energy work. How on earth can you think that you can practice it. Why would anyone see you instead of them."

On the one hand .. the gremlins kind of have a point. Sure, I can give you the standard explanation. But if you ask me questions beyond that - about reiki or energy in general - I won't really be able to answer them. Additionally, since I am still so confused about how all this stuff really works, giving you the standard explanation feels hollow and false. It's not that I don't believe it exactly, it's just that I need more myself.

On the other hand, as I was struggling with all this, something else occurred to me.

I was fascinated by energy work for a while but had a hard time convincing myself to make an appointment to try it. I couldn't find a place where I would have felt comfortable going in and saying, "You know, I don't really believe in energy .. but I am curious and willing to see what happens - even though I don't really expect anything will." It's not to say I would have said that anyway - but I just wanted to find a place where I felt like I could ask questions, and be skeptical, and would be comfortable doing so. But no one really had a blog where I could get to know them, and their websites so matter-of-fact-ly stated that energy was great and wonderful and the-cure-for-everything and healing and yay, that it made me think I wasn't their right people.

Then there was the first reiki class. I walked in, and they were talking about spirit guides. I had an immediate flashback to my first foray into the computer science lab in college (my major). I walked in and they were all talking about computers and building computers and Star Trek. My first thought was, "Oh no. What have I done. This is not the right place for me. I don't belong here." That was exactly how I felt during class - like I had stepped into an alternate universe and didn't belong. We learned about the history of reiki and energy and chakras. Good heavens. I've spent 15 years using logic and proof and data. You can imagine how my mind reacted. I kept saying I had no questions, but what I really wanted to ask was, "But what if I don't believe much of this. Is that ok? Is it normal? Is it going to work for me anyway?"

Now, I'll have the occasional session where they'll tell me something from a past life. And I'll nod. While inwardly expressing skepticism. Or I'll tell them that I don't really believe in past lives.

So .. what occurred to me is that what I was looking for back then was someone like me. I know that there are people out there who are like me in that they're interested in energy work but they may not ever try it because it seems so inaccessible. I want to offer it in a way that is accessible. Whether that means being honest and saying that I don't understand it - but here's what it's done for me. Or explaining it in a way that doesn't make their eyes glaze over or their woo-woo hackles go up. Or remembering what it was like to wonder why nothing was happening and not ever telling them, "It is always working for your highest and greatest good - whether you notice it or not." (Because while that might be true, it is decidedly not useful.) Or being willing to offer a refund.

Truthfully, I don't know what it means at the moment to practice it in my own way for those people. But what I am trying to explain to the gremlins is that even if I'm not an expert (as I define expert in energy work), there still may be a place for me to do this thing that I love. Because in the end, none of the stuff I'm worried about really matters. Deep down, I know I can practice reiki. I can't explain it - but I can feel the energy in my hands. I know something is happening. I see results - in myself and others. My heart is in it. And in the end, that is what really matters. (The gremlins are not convinced - but we continue to discuss.)

Comments

[anne]

Sometimes I don't even believe it- but then I remember the results I have seen in those who I have worked on. My mom is convinced I healed her of cancer. I could feel the exact moment my sisters gave birth. I have many stories of strange and wonderful (and one pretty not wonderful) things I have known just from the energy.
But, no one has told me about my past lives. Dang. I wanna believe in them. :)
Sometimes when my own doubts are strongest, I still really help the person I am working on.

Anne

[briana]

Okay, this is awesome. "I mean, come on. Look at everyone else who does energy work." Exactly. I am so not their right people. I'm all technical and intellectual and just now making friends with my right brain. Just kind of dabbling in energy. And if I wanted to do reiki (omg, I might want to do reiki!) it would absolutely be with someone like you.

P.S. At first, since I knew what this post was about before I read it, I thought you were referring to your right people as sweet gremlins. Which would also be awesome :)

[Mahala Mazerov]

This is so wonderful & I too remember wishing there was someone who had the same doubts and skepticism as I did. Of course, that was long long ago. I rarely roll my eyes at anything anymore. Last year I noticed how often the words My Spirit Helpers were leaping past my lips. Efforts to bite my tongue before they escaped have largely succeeded.

I love and appreciate your point of view and i know your Right People will, too.

BTW, I still can't explain reiki.

[Shaista]

I think what is important is that you practise. Belief and non-belief are Western concepts of logic and reasoning. Most traditions and practises in the East do not require a system of belief, just practise. Just do it!
Reiki is always powerful. I love that you give Reiki to your dogs - I am sure they replenish your energy in abundance :)

[eow]

Oh those gremlins- such silly things aren't they? Just give them funny names, imagine them dressed in costume and the gremlin thoughts tend to lose power...
I have the same feelings about beginning a farm, well a small CSA (http://thisamazingheart.com). And I've decided that some of us, well, we just tend to move more intuitively and the words aren't always accessible. But as you said, your hearts in it, and that really is the most essential thing
(which is why I'm naming my small farm The Amazing Heart, despite how cheezy that somehow feels. I'm naming it after a book I wrote in the 1st grade called the Amazing Heart Book http://mindwhisperingsphotography.blogspot.com/2008/09/amazing-heart.html)

As for the energy/scientific mind schism, isn't it true that energy can't be created or destroyed? So wouldn't it make sense that life is a constant flow of energy, that we are part of this larger, rather uncomprehensible stream of energy, meant always to be shifting and that sometimes it gets stuck, or rather, we hold on too tightly. And energy work is what helps us to release it, to let go, allowing it once again to move through us? That's my rather simplistic take on it...
Anyways, sound like you're doing some exciting and powerful work and I wish you much courage and a strong heart along the way!

[eow]

sorry, the links I added are here:
http://mindwhisperingsphotography.blogspot.com/2008/09/amazing-heart.html
and
http://thisamazingheart.com

[elizabeth @ the blue lotus]

eow: that is fantastic! Thank you for sharing. I am so excited for your farm. I hope you share photos of it. :)

Your description is perfect. That is what reiki does .. find the places where our energy is blocked or stuck and help to shift and release it.

Now, to think of names for my gremlins. :)

[elizabeth @ the blue lotus]

shaista: that is true. Two things that are also important are 1) that I practice and 2) that I continue to work on my stuff - because the clearer I am, the better the flow of energy. Very good point. Thank you.

mahala: yeah .. I roll my eyes much less now. Like at the idea of chakras. I am much less skeptical about the chakras for sure. ;)

briana: well, they are sweet! And I'm glad I'm not the only one trying to befriend my right brain. :)

anne: you helped me. :) Come to Oregon .. I'm sure I can find you someone who can tell you all about your past lives. ;)