overwhelm. yes.

Advance warning: this post may be muddled and wander aimlessly and have no point. Much like the current state of my brain. You've been warned.

I am reading Elaine Aron's book, The Highly Sensitive Person. I feel less odd already. Ha! I am not the only person who thinks this much - among other things.

It is interesting timing because I have been reflecting on my current state of health (or lack thereof). Basically, I've been sickly for all of November. Ugh. (It is unfortunate that I did not know this in advance, or I would have bought stock in a soup company. I feel like a walking can of soup.) And I even went to see the doctor.

I sat in meditation the other day with the question, "Why am I not getting better?" The answer I got back? "You're not taking care of yourself." Well, the first answer I got was, "You don't really want to know." (Which was true. I knew the answer - and I didn't really want to hear it. Doggone intuition.) The answer got me thinking about how I got sick in the first place.

I went on vacation. It was fun. It also involved a red-eye flight (no sleep, I cannot sleep on planes), a wedding weekend where I met most everyone there for the first time (while they were all lovely and warm and welcoming - it still requires time to process), not much alone time, and a VERY early flight home. I went directly from the flight to work. The next day - after working again - I drove to the coast for a retreat. The retreat was fun too. It was also very emotional - and thus emotionally draining. The day I drove home from the retreat, I had a cough - a cough so horrible that I hope never to have it again. I gave myself reiki that evening, the cough died down, and I went back to life as usual. No rest. Maybe a week later, I spent the evening with a horrible sore throat. I gave myself reiki, the pain died down a bit, and I continued on. No rest. Maybe a week later, I woke up in the wee hours of the morning with what felt like an ear infection. Reiki did not help, I had a permanent ringing in my ear, and I finally gave in. I went to the doctor, got medicine, and continued working. I got worse instead of better. I am finally resting, and I feel like I am finally turning the tide.

Anyway, I read all that and I think, of course I am sick. Sheesh. My poor body was trying and trying to tell me what it needed, and I ignored it and ignored it.

The thing is .. I do know that I need time to recover my equilibrium again. I love people. Love being around them and with them. But I also need my alone time. I love traveling. But I need time to recover from the stresses of travel (especially a lack of sleep). Flights at early or late hours - not good. Noise .. crowds .. they need to be followed by quiet. Etc. Etc. None of these needs are new - it's just that prior to this year, I had very little self-awareness and didn't connect the dots.

Not entirely sure what the next steps are. I think the awareness is a good start. Maybe being gentle with myself. Maybe learning how and when to recover. Maybe even learning how to avoid some of the need to recover in the first place. If you have dealt with this and have ideas that have worked for you, I am all ears! In the end, I guess I'll learn as I go. It's all a process.

Comments

[Amy M]

I always need time alone. I love to go places but I need to recover also. I have started to make sure I have a day off at home when I get done with vacation. If I don't, I know that I am going to be crabby and tired. When I went on my trip to VA in April I was actually happy that my friend had to work the first morning that I was there. I got to sleep in and have a little alone time! Also I have finally learned that when I start to feel sick I have to stop and sleep. I have done this recently and haven't gotten sick or it doesn't seem that bad. I have to force myself to do it though and let over things go. Plus I have given myself permission to call in sick even it is "just" a cold!

[Amy M]

oops "let other things go!"

[jenG]

The most important thing I learned from my ex-husband is to stop and rest when I'm getting sick. Really. I give him all the credit for that one...he's a big-time sleeper. I used to try to work through it--no illness could be a match for my determination to act well!

What I have learned is to be aware of how I feel and, if I start to feel run down or if my throat's starting to feel scratchy, I take a day off and I disconnect. I wrap up in a blanket burrito, I sleep, and I sweat. I'm a big believer in sweat carrying illness out with it. These are the only "sick days" I've taken in almost two years now--I haven't gotten properly sick in at least that long.

I try to ignore the fact that stress--good or bad stress--will affect me physically. I'm getting better about that, but I find I have to re-learn the lesson at least once a year. I've been so used to taking on as much as I can, whenever I can--pride in doing that has been part of my character for so long. It's an ongoing process to remember that (a) doing that nonstop isn't healthy, (b) it's not the only part of my character, and (c) I *don't have to*.

Permission to not be invincible may be the greatest gift I've ever given myself.

I'm glad you're turning the tide, and that you're writing about this. :)

[mella]

I enjoyed your sharing of your current wanderings, prompted me to share in a similar way ~ more real to me than dealing in 'answers'...

I agree, awareness is key... to everything... and I relate to the tendency toward overwhelm of an hsp/seeker along the spiritual path, easier said than done to 'turn it off' sometimes...

Christiane says that unfortunately, sickness is the only acceptable form of meditation in our western culture! This helped me immensely in understanding some of why I may habitually push myself.

Sogyal Rinpoche says Westerners are so busy... doing nothing.

Consistently practicing meditation works for me. When I work it. Joyfully. And I believe laughter and lightheartedness are the most valuable tools in my little toolbox. Helps me shift upward from merely coping and surviving mode.

I've been enjoying this fellow hsp's blog, an inspiration for creating the space inside of me to not only accept my sensitivities but to celebrate them and allow them to empower me... thought this post might be of interest to you...
http://www.highlysensitivepower.com/2008/09/highly-sensitive-havens/

Here's to abundant health on all levels!

[Lori]

You know, I think part of the problem was trying to "go back to life as usual." Both the wedding and the weekend were really important events for you and didn't really leave your life as it was before them. You're right -- you needed time to process and time to heal. The question is, have you given yourself that yet?

And I love that your body is so smart and stubborn to know what to tell you and just keep yelling it until you listen! I just love the way you think.

[elizabeth @ the blue lotus]

i am always blown away by the thoughtful and insightful comments and emails i receive. really. thank you.

@lori: oh my goodness .. what an insight! i did not even notice what i wrote. you are absolutely right. i am so excited to ponder this. (because no, i have not given myself that time yet.) i hope you can feel my virtual hug!

@mella: thank you for sharing your wanderings! they are always a joy to read. that comment about rest is so true. it is so hard to just rest when you're not sick. (I was reading an interesting blog post on the great need for rest in some people and the length of swine flu.) i love that blog post. it sounded so serene and peaceful. i'll have to read more of her posts.

[elizabeth @ the blue lotus]

@jen: "permission to not be invincible". i love that. i will try to remember your words of wisdom. i have the awareness now .. but i think i have been using reiki in some ways to ignore things more .. thinking that "yay - i am giving myself reiki so will be fine". and the giving myself reiki part is wonderful on so many levels - but if my body wants rest and i am ignoring that, i am still not really listening to it.

@amy: colds can be horrible! :) thank you for sharing. that day off after a vacation sounds fabulous. i used to always say that i needed a vacation from my vacations. clearly i should have taken the phrase more literally.

[Julie M.]

I agree with the "sleep" comment. When the high schoolers here were getting hit worse with the H1N1 than many of the younger kids, my friends and I were pondering why since it seems they should have more mature immune systems. Someone suggested their sleep schedules. When little kids (and husbands!) get sick, they know to sleep until they're better. High schoolers never sleep and we don't afford ourselves that luxury since we have "stuff" to get done. :)

One thing that was suggested to me by a wonderful energy practioner... She said we can be so busy and "tough" that we never stop to acknowledge physical (and sometimes emotional) pain if we don't feel it's relevant. She told me to stop throughout the day and find where my body (or mind) was hurting and say either the emotion I was feeling or "ouch, ___ hurts"... or if I stub my toe, to say out loud that it "really hurt!". She said when you start acknowleging, it's amazing how many things might pop up that have been fighting for your attention. Maybe that's what's happening to you.

A related thought- it's been two months since Gregory's hospital stay. About a month ago, I finally was kind of able to get out of "crisis mode". Since then? Instead of it being a relaxing time, I've been getting illnesses and injuries like crazy! I'm hoping if I give myself the rest that I didn't get this past year, they'll pass but it made me think of what that energy practioner said. I didn't recognize anything for so long because I couldn't allow myself to be sick or hurt with Gregory.

Anyway, lots of rambling, maybe some of it made sense? :)