wherein I serve my ego and learn humility

One day, one of my neighbors said, "I think I need some of that reiki thing; my shoulder is killing me." He kind of sort of meant it because his shoulder was in so much pain, but he didn't mean it enough to have me actually try it on him. Instead, I did a distant session for him later that evening.

I saw him a few days later and asked if he noticed anything. "Of course not. It still hurts. I start physical therapy on Tuesday."

Oh man, was I disappointed. Really disappointed. This puzzled me. While I like to hear back after a distant session - and it's nice to get feedback that the person noticed something - I am generally not attached to the results. Before every session, I ask that whatever happens happens for the highest and greatest good of the person I am working on. I am me. I am not them. Their body knows what they need most in that moment. The energy knows where it's needed most. Being attached to a specific result would just be me, thinking I know what's best for someone else.

After thinking about it some more, my mind went back to the session. Instead of drifting off into emptiness as usual, my mind was chattering away. "Ha. I can't wait to ask how the session went. I know this is going to help his shoulder. I just know the pain is going to decrease. He'll have to admit that it works. And then he will finally stop ragging on me. Oh, I can't wait. I will try not to say 'I told you so.' .."

Wow. I was really focusing on his highest and greatest good there, wasn't I.

See .. this particular neighbor thinks reiki is wacky. Which I should be ok with, right. I am totally ok with people thinking this stuff is wacky and rolling their eyes at it. I think parts of it are wacky myself - and it wasn't so long ago that I thought it was all wacky. But he laughs at me for it. All the time. And while I laugh and make light of his comments in the moment, it turns out that I do not really find them all that funny. And since I am horrible at conflict (even conflict that is not even conflict), I don't know how to politely ask him to please stop - especially since he isn't trying to be mean and I know that my reaction to his comments is all about my stuff and not about his comments at all. 

All of that is just to say that, as it turns out, I didn't really want to help his shoulder pain. Well, I did, but not because he would feel better. Well, not that I didn't want him to feel better. I mean, I would have been happy if the pain decreased because he is a nice guy and pain sucks. But really, I wanted to help him because it served me.

Yup, that was me, inserting my big fat ego into what should have been a loving act of service - and being served a heaping dose of humility in the process when I didn't get the result that my ego was looking for. A lesson that I appreciate, even if I am embarrassed about it.

Comments

[anne]

Don't forget, people can be non-receptive too. If he wasn't serious, he might have rejected the energy. And if you were focusing on something else, you might not have realized it.

Anne

[elizabeth @ the blue lotus]

@anne: that is true. Thank you for the reminder. He may, in fact, not have accepted it at all - but I would have been too caught up in my story to notice.

[Julie M.]

Wow. Kudos to you for being so honest about this. I can see the inner conflict- it's hard to not want to prove a point to someone when they've made hurtful comments. And it's not okay that his behavior isn't changing. Does he realize that it's bothering you? I'm not good with conflict either but I've always admired people who are comfortable defending themselves- I need to take notes. :)

[elizabeth @ the blue lotus]

@julie: He has no idea that it bothers me; I always laugh and make light of it. Which is why I don't blame him at all. And I am finding it hard to be kind to myself for wanting to prove my point instead of just telling him how his comments make me feel. I am reading Non-Violent Communication in the hopes that I will learn how to communicate things like this. :)