retinal perspectives

give yourself a gift

we are all so lucky to have you in our world

{I am offline until next Monday, when i will be back with a new Monday message. Until then, I wish you a week full of unexpected moments of pleasure. Much love.}

we are all His guests

There is a poem by Hafiz that has been waiting for just the right photo so that I can use it for a Friday post on my photo blog. I don't know when I'll find that photo, and my thoughts are too jumbled to make any sense of right now, so I thought I'd share the poem here. When I read it, my heart exploded. This - this - is how I want to live.

If God Invited You to a Party

"If God
Invited you to a party
And said,

"Everyone
In the ballroom tonight
Will be my special
Guest,"

How would you then treat them
When you
Arrived?

Indeed, indeed!

And Hafiz knows
There is no one in this world

Who
Is not upon
His Jeweled Dance
Floor."

is it right for you

My goal in life was supposed to be to get married and have kids.

But it wasn't my goal.

First of all, I didn't want kids. Still don't. Don't get me wrong, I love kids - they're just not for me.

Second of all, I hated myself. I thought I was unlovable and that no one would want to marry me. The idea that this impossible thing was supposed to be my main goal in life made me feel even worse. And as a bonus, I thought there was something wrong with me for not wanting this thing that I was supposed to want and that everyone else around me seemed to want.

(Anyway, it's hard for me to consider marriage and kids a goal. To me, a goal is something you put on a list and check off when you're done. Like "Visit Paris". Or "Cruise down the Nile". Or "Speak a foreign language fluently". Or "Try blood pudding". Or "Get married and have babies". Yeah, see .. it just isn't the same.)

What I am beginning to realize is that we all have our own path, and that what is right for someone else may not (and likely is not) right for another.

If you have goals or expectations that feel like "shoulds" to you, I hope you can consider that maybe it's not you that's wrong, maybe they're just not the right fit.

you matter

you matter

redundant, perhaps, but it bears repeating

connection to the earth

After I started practicing reiki, I started reading about the importance of grounding oneself before energy work. Quite honestly, this sort of seemed like a nuisance. However, for some reason, which I have since forgotten, I tried a grounding exercise one evening, just to see what would happen.

I tried it in a moment when I was feeling rather worried and scatter-brained. Wow. Immediately afterwards, I noticed that my mind was calmer. It felt like I was more in my body and less in my mind.

A week or so ago, I talked about being caught up in the stories in your head. When I remember to do this exercise regularly, I find that it really helps me in my daily life. {I'd credit someone, but I've seen versions of this in many places so don't really know where it originates.}

• Stand with your feet planted firmly on the ground.
• Imagine that there is a tree trunk growing out of each foot into the earth. Maybe there is even another tree trunk extending down from your torso into the earth.
• Imagine roots growing out of the tree trunks and snaking their way out to the horizon and down, down, down, down - until they reach the center of the earth and wrap themselves around the small, hard core at the center. (Here, I must confess, my imagination fades as I get distracted, wondering why the roots aren't burning up since I believe it's extremely hot at the core, but the exercise seems to work anyway.)

The best way I can describe what this feels like in my body is to say that it feels as if my weight is sinking into my belly. It's like my center of gravity moves to the center of my body - and I am more fully in my body, and less in my mind. This makes it easier for me to react to what is going on in the moment.

If you try it, let me know how it works for you! Or if there are ways that you pull yourself back to center, I'd love to hear them.

I think what?

I mentioned that I had started working with Briana of Blisscovery Wellness on weight and body image issues. In one session, we were talking about why I am reluctant to clear my closet of all the stuff that doesn't fit and why I don't really want to buy clothes, particularly jeans, that fit well.

My first instinct was that it was related to fear - fear that it would send a signal that I had accepted this size and therefore had no more motivation to lose weight. (Never mind that if that was it, clearly not accepting it wasn't really working for me.)

Then, she asked if the reason was really related to fear, and the thing that came out of my mouth floored me.

I said that I couldn't. Because then I might look good. And that I didn't deserve to look good if I was larger than the size that I was "supposed" to be.

I so did not see that one coming.

As soon as I said it, I knew that was it (and where that thought came from). And that was just crazy to me. Because I don't think that. I would never think that. Except that I did. Unconsciously. That one unconscious thought (that my conscious mind knows is untrue) was dictating my behavior.

After that call, I cleared out my entire closet - and am slowly finding my style again.

You've probably seen the metaphor where an iceberg is used to represent the mind. The smaller visible portion represents our conscious thoughts. The larger hidden portion represents our unconscious thoughts. Those unconscious thoughts may be influencing our behavior but, unless we can find a way to bring those thoughts to the surface, it is hard to lessen their power over us. And therein lies the power in any practice or therapy that allows those unconscious thoughts to surface.

you are unique

in all the world

coughing it out?

One of my goals for 2010 is to begin a more regular posting schedule with this blog. It is somewhat haphazard, and I am very much not that way. Anyway, my current plan is to post the Monday message on Mondays, something from my personal journey on Wednesdays, and something about reiki on Fridays.

Conveniently, there is something seriously puzzling me and it sort of relates to reiki.

On Wednesday, I came to some realizations around why I don't reach out to people when I'm sad. They were the kind of realizations that make you cry when you become aware of them, and it takes a while before you can actually articulate them out loud. After that, I was emotionally drained and had to go to bed early.

The next morning, while I was walking the pup, I started coughing. I coughed and coughed and coughed until I was almost doubled over. It felt like there was something that I needed to cough out, except it wasn't really an actual "something" that I could see.

The thing is .. this isn't new. It used to happen all the time, especially after very intense reiki sessions. The morning after many of these sessions, always while walking the pup, I'd cough and cough and cough - doubled over behind a bush, hoping that no one would hear me. Sometimes, I'd even cough during a session - hard enough that my near neighbors could hear me and were worried. In fact, I talked about this before, because it's how I figured out that my cat allergies had an emotional cause. After I would return from a visit to a house with cats, I'd cough and cough and cough. It felt like I was trying to cough the cat hair out of my lungs, even though I knew that wasn't really what was happening.

Essentially, it seems like it happens a great deal of the time that something comes up from my subconscious to be addressed (even if I don't always realize exactly what it is that I am addressing). Then again, it doesn't happen all the time.

This is so puzzling to me. Why the cough? Is it a way for my body to physically release these things? I really have no idea.

Anyway, I used to wonder if this was normal. Now, I don't so much wonder if it's normal, but I do always wonder if anyone else has experienced this (not necessarily during reiki, but in general), or something similar, or has any insight into why on earth it might occur. If you have any ideas, or thoughts about it, or similar experiences, I would love to hear them!

living in the moment

I would like to live in the moment. In theory, it seems awfully easy to do (I mean, hello, we're in it) but it is so hard to practice.

For example: I have a dog. I adore him. He's almost 7, so is middle-aged, but is in fantastic health. Well, he has a heart issue, but so far he appears to be compensating.

I'll be doing something random and, all of a sudden, I think about the fact that he is going to die someday. Then I think about how heartbroken I am going to be when that day comes. Then I get teary at the very idea of it. Then I think about all the things that he won't be there for. Then I wonder if I am going to be able to get another weimaraner. And on and on.

At the same time, part of me can see what a waste it is to spend time mourning his eventual loss before it actually happens, instead of actually enjoying his company while he is here. (And I'm pretty sure it's not something that I need to practice.)

Maybe I'm making some progress, since there is a part of me that - in those moments - recognizes that I'm caught up in a story and am not living in the moment at all. So .. I continue to practice.

How about you? Is living in the moment something you practice? Do you have any tips on how to stay present?

Monday messages - a new series

This post-it note lives in my purse. Whenever I notice it, it makes me smile - and feel enveloped in love.

I think we all need more of these reminders in our life. So, I thought I'd start a series of them. The notes will come out on Mondays, since apparently not everyone loves Mondays as much as I do.

I hope you enjoy the messages!