is it right for you

My goal in life was supposed to be to get married and have kids.

But it wasn't my goal.

First of all, I didn't want kids. Still don't. Don't get me wrong, I love kids - they're just not for me.

Second of all, I hated myself. I thought I was unlovable and that no one would want to marry me. The idea that this impossible thing was supposed to be my main goal in life made me feel even worse. And as a bonus, I thought there was something wrong with me for not wanting this thing that I was supposed to want and that everyone else around me seemed to want.

(Anyway, it's hard for me to consider marriage and kids a goal. To me, a goal is something you put on a list and check off when you're done. Like "Visit Paris". Or "Cruise down the Nile". Or "Speak a foreign language fluently". Or "Try blood pudding". Or "Get married and have babies". Yeah, see .. it just isn't the same.)

What I am beginning to realize is that we all have our own path, and that what is right for someone else may not (and likely is not) right for another.

If you have goals or expectations that feel like "shoulds" to you, I hope you can consider that maybe it's not you that's wrong, maybe they're just not the right fit.

Comments

[Pearl Mattenson]

Elizabeth
It takes a lot of courage to say that out loud. There are some issues in our society- and this is probably one of them- where it is just assumed that everyone thinks as we do. And then it takes extra energy to have to make the case that actually I don't feel about this the way you do. Not to mention dealing with the reactions.
I still find myself wondering each time I am in a conversation where I clearly think differntly than the person I am speaking with if it is even worth putting out there that my goals are actually different.

[Julie M.]

Amen. Good for you for pursuing what you want in life! And it's hard for an ideal mate to come along (not that you're looking) when the people we date often can reflect the way we feel about ourselves. So, I'm especially glad that you didn't just get married because you thought you should when you hated yourself. Cheers to the future, whatever it may bring! Mostly I hope it's happiness. :)

It's funny, I actually swore I was never going to get married so was surprised when my prince charming waltzed in one day. In retrospect, I see that without a companion, my introverted personality would be a lot more eccentric than it already is. It's good for me to have someone to pull me out of my thoughts now and then and I though I crave my own space and alone time, I don't do well alone for long periods. ;)

[Casey]

Such true words and such a brave thing to write it down. I, too, have had a long and difficult journey explaining to people that I don't want children (and that if I ever *did* get that maternal instinct they all say is coming, then I'd adopt one that's already here, not make a new one).
"maybe it's not you that's wrong, maybe they're just not the right fit." - this really resonates with me! I've always assumed that my lack of desire to have a kid was "wrong" and I am somehow defective. Why is it so hard for us to internalize and define the "shoulds" as things that are simply the wrong fit *for us*?
Lovely thoughts! Thank you for saying out loud what so many of us feel.
((hugs))

[Tracy]

"To thine own self be true..." :o)

[Patty Waite]

Elizabeth, first of all, way too many people have followed the marriage and especially the kids expectation without giving it proper thought like you are doing and it is too late for them to change their minds. Most don't want to admit it at this point, because after all, they do love their kids, but believe me, plenty of folks wish they wouldn't have had them. I have had many conversations on this topic! Second, marriage is one thing, kids is another. They are not a package deal! We decided early on not to have kids and have never wavered. Most of the couples I know that don't have kids have very strong marriages. I, too, love them and built my career around teaching them. I am in awe and admiration of those who give their all and do a fabulous job of raising them, but this job is not for everyone. And thank goodness that today we have choices and don't need to be railroaded into lifestyles that are not the right fit. Good for you for bringing up this topic!!

[elizabeth @ the blue lotus]

@Patty: I am in awe of them too. It is a hard job. Actually, I am in awe of you. Teaching them is an amazing but hard job. Kudos to you. But yes, you are right - marriage and kids are not necessarily a package deal. I didn't realize that when I was young. (And who knows .. I suppose it's possible that I could change my mind .. but I'm 32, and I haven't yet. ;)

@Tracy: "and it must follow as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man". wise man, that Shakespeare.

@Casey: Hugs to you, my dear. You are neither wrong nor defective. You are perfectly yourself. And oh man .. I have no idea why it's so hard .. I wish someone would explain it to me too!

[elizabeth @ the blue lotus]

@Julie: I am thankful every day for how things worked out. Hey .. introverted and eccentric .. that sounds like me. Hee. I am glad you found your Prince Charming when you least expect it! (Only a little because now I get to hear cute E and G stories due to that fact. ;)

@Pearl: Oh yes, the reactions. Hard. I don't know .. it seems like it's worth putting it out there, if only to acknowledge it yourself, but sometimes I think acknowledging it in my head is enough.

[marilyn]

hurray for you and your shining light of truth my dear. proud and strong and brave and righteous and awesome. i truly believe that when we KNOW these things to be our truths, indeed they are. i really miss you...love and hugs

[elizabeth @ the blue lotus]

@Marilyn: I miss you too. And thank you for your sweet comment. It is good to know our truths, even better to know them in our bones as well as our heads. It just seems to take time. :)

[Michael]

I too feel these "urges" to conform to societal trends, like having 2.5 kids and a nagging spouse at the hip (controlling marriages and bratty kids = a very slow death, or so I have witnessed). For me, the urge has been to be a good little capitalist and make money. But that quest is a never ending, boring highway (are we there yet?); a road so smooth and predictable that my gut begins to warn me otherwise -- "there is something fishy going on here" (that was, btw, my gut speaking). Religion, or strands of aggressively moral stances on religion, has been another negative urge. More times than not, I have found that the man of god would have us to be more holy than him, which is more holy than God.

-- in a word or two, poetry has served as a sort of energizer for me; it has given me the energy for another go at this thing we call "life." It is only a sapling right now, sure, but over time and space maybe it will grow to give much needed shade to others (who knows).

Sorry for the belated comment, but I read this post and your "about me" blurb and it piqued my interest. Non sequitur: I too struggle with Scrabble! I am always trying to spell bigger words, and so I kinda suck.