retinal perspectives

want to hear a funny reiki story?

First, I should mention that while I am generally skeptical of things and like experiential proof, there is also a small part of me that is hopelessly optimistic and thinks that maybe - just maybe - something magical will happen. In the case of energy work, that magical thing involves a hope that my eyesight will improve. (This part of me was very excited when I saw improvement at my last visit to the eye doctor. Even though the doctor said that some people start noticing that their astigmatism improves when they turn 40 - so I could also just be aging rapidly.)

Anyway, I was giving myself a reiki treatment one evening. I usually start by putting my hands on my eyes and forehead (because it clears my sinuses if they're plugged) and then move them to my crown or throat. I had done a few minutes on my eyes and moved my hands away to another position. For some reason, I had my eyes open (I usually close them) and was staring at the ceiling.

All of a sudden, I saw crazy bursts of colors spiraling around on the ceiling. I checked to make sure they weren't car lights in the parking lot. They weren't.

I used to see colors a lot when I started practicing reiki on myself. It was kind of like looking through a kaleidoscope. I still see them sometimes, just not as often. But my eyes are always closed. This was the first time I had seen the colors with my eyes open.

The colors danced around for a bit and then disappeared. Like I said, this was new. So what thought pops into my mind? "Oh my gosh! I bet something magical happened! I bet I can see! Hurrah! It worked!"

I grabbed my cell phone, stuck it in front of my face, and looked at it. I could see! Except wait, it was right next to my face. I moved it away a bit. It got fuzzy. But wait! Maybe it wasn't as fuzzy as it used to be! So there I am, in the dark, moving my cell phone back and forth to try to figure out whether things have improved. (I was too lazy to get out of bed.) Finally, I decided that maybe I would wait until morning to confirm the good news.

Well .. in the morning .. things did not seem to have changed. Oh, did I laugh. But you know, there is still that small part of me that is hopelessly optimistic.

oh, bother

I am scheduled to have a cavity filled on Friday morning. Did I mention that this is my first cavity? Did I mention that I am nervous? It seems silly that I am nervous, like I am too old to be scared about a cavity filling, but there it is. I do not like pain. I do not like needles. I do not like visiting the dentist.

Somehow, I managed to be kind to myself in that moment. I asked what would happen. I asked them to promise me that it wouldn't hurt. (What can I say, I thought it was worth a shot.) I scheduled the filling right before the weekend. And yet, it has been in the back of my mind ever since, like a moment of impending doom. (Ok, maybe not doom, but something ominous, like a black cloud.)

I want to be kind to myself - I certainly need the practice - but I don't know what would be the kindest thing to do. Would it be kinder to get it over with? Or would it be kinder to reschedule it? I really have no idea.

Who knew it was so confusing to practice kindness.

no matter what

you are

you really are

p.s. In case it's hard to read the message, it says, "You are worth it."

bucketing the shoulds

So far, it seems that my shoulds can be bucketed into a few categories.

Some of them are related to non-standard errands (basically anything that can't be done at New Seasons Market, which I somehow manage to get to many times a week). There is the odd need for something that involves a visit to a store: Dryel for instance (that's Target), a new battery for my prevent-others-from-starting-the-car thingy (that's RadioShack), or more white paint (that's Michaels). There is the random need for a visit to the post office - which always has a line that moves at an insanely slow speed. There are things related to regular car maintenance.

Some of them are from other people. "You should get married and have kids." "You should have a job with benefits." "You shouldn't talk about your dog on your blog."

Some of them are related to having unrealistic expectations for myself. "You should never get mad at the pup." "You should respond to your emails promptly." "You should vacuum daily." "You should know how to do this thing you've never done - or be able to figure it out on your own."

I looked at each category a little closer.

Errands .. The problem with these things is that they are all weekend errands and I don't like the idea of using my precious weekend time on non-fun errands. So what happens? I don't do them, and the not-doing-them hangs over my head like a dark cloud that makes it hard to enjoy my weekends guilt-free. (Of course, this should-ing uses way more time than the actual time required to run the doggone errand.)

So, I had an idea. I am going to set aside one weekend day a month for random errands. This way, I don't have to think about them for the rest of the time because I'll know that I have a day that is set aside for such things to get done. It'll be an experiment. I hope it works.

The other two categories are really related to sovereignty (Havi at The Fluent Self explains this better than I, but it basically means that you are so comfortable in your own self that nothing can shake you) and kindness (meeting yourself where you are and loving yourself anyway). As I continue to practice those concepts, I hope that the related shoulds will fall away.

Have you been noticing your shoulds? Is there anything you've noticed in doing so? If so, I'd love to hear!

I should cook brussel sprouts

Last week, if you remember, I decided to experiment with noticing any shoulds in my life. Well, apparently shoulds are tricky things because they seem to have gone into hiding. I suspect that they suspected I might have an ulterior motive in noticing them. (Therein lies the trouble with sharing your mind with them.)

In truth, maybe I do want them to leave eventually. For now, however, they are safe. So, I will continue on with my experiment in noticing them.

But .. I still have my shoulds around cooking that I intended to write about last week.

The market that I shop at has a fantastic deli and prepared food section. Lovely quality. Lovely selection. Ideally, I'd always have a few items in the frig for quick meals during the week.

Oh, the voices in my head have a field day at this. "What! That's too expensive. You could buy twice as many brussel sprouts for the same amount of money and roast them yourself. That's what you should do. Goodness. You should be more frugal. You are going to be self-employed someday. You should be cooking. You should be cooking now. You should be perfecting beans and rice, missy. It doesn't matter if you're tired and exhausted after work. You should cook."

So what happens? I buy the brussel sprouts, they sit in my frig until they spoil, and then I throw them out. As an added bonus, every time I open the door and see them, I feel guilty that I'm not cooking. Meanwhile, my eating suffers, because I'm not cooking - and I have nothing on hand for quick meals.

By the way, I actually do enjoy cooking. But I don't enjoy it unless I have energy and time, neither of which are generally present after work or at lunch time or on most weekends. Which also brings up the should that says, "If you say you enjoy cooking, then you should be cooking."

When I look at all of this objectively, I realize that buying a few items every week doesn't really add much to my grocery bill. When I am listening to my hunger cues, it doesn't take a lot to fill me. When I buy something that I want to eat instead of listening to the voices that tell me what I should buy, my food doesn't go to waste. When there are good things in the frig, I can listen to my hunger cues. All in all, I am happier and healthier. Plus, when I have the time and energy and I do cook, I really enjoy it because the act isn't sullied by all these shoulds around it.

Now, if I could only remember this when I'm at the market.

listen

it knows the right thing to do

p.s. In case it's hard to read the message, it says, "Follow your heart."

where can you give yourself permission

I am on retreat this weekend - Jen Louden's Virtual Retreat, that is. So, I am giving myself permission to not write my Friday blog post about reiki, even though I feel like I really should (well, hello there, little should).

Oh, I could come up with a post given some time and thought; however, what I need most in this moment is rest, so I am giving myself permission to rest.

Is there something you need in this moment? Is there somewhere in your life that you can give yourself permission?

noticing the shoulds

I've been thinking that it might be fun - ok, maybe not fun exactly, but illuminating - to notice the shoulds in my life. You know, the "I should do this," "I shouldn't think that," "I shouldn't want," "I should go here," "I should want," "I should be." Yes, those shoulds.

This post was actually going to be about my shoulds related to cooking, but another should came to mind while I was vacuuming last night.

It's common for people to apologize for not having a clean house. For me, it's the opposite. I feel like I should apologize for having a clean house. And I generally do. I don't come right out and say, "I'm sorry my house is clean." Instead, I say something self-deprecating like, "I know it looks clean but it's really not."

My house is generally clean. I don't really have things that would clutter it up. Atlas doesn't play with toys so they stay neatly in the basket. I have time to pick up after myself. I like to vacuum regularly to keep the dog hair at bay. And I am extremely neat by nature (Atlas has curbed my tendency towards the obsessive, but the tendency itself hasn't gone away entirely). Plus, I really don't like to clean, so I like to use visitors as a way to get myself to clean without feeling like it's such a dreary chore.

I was curious why I would feel like I should apologize for this. It turns out that I want people to be comfortable and feel at home, and I'm worried that they won't be able to really make themselves at home because it's so neat.

That was curious too. Why would I feel like they won't be able to make themselves at home just because it's neat?

Then, a memory popped into my head. The first time I had my own place, one of my sisters came to visit me. She mentioned that she had the constant urge to mess everything up because it was so insanely neat and it seemed like I was always fixing the pillows after she got off the couch. (Did I mention that I used to tend towards the extreme end of the neatness scale?) (Come to think of it, she spilled Diet Coke on my carpet during that visit; I wonder if she did that on purpose. Hee.) She was teasing me. I knew that. And I thought it was funny. But apparently that little thought - that being neat might make people feel uncomfortable - stayed with me.

Did I mention that I'm fascinated by the way my mind works?

Anyway, my plan is to just watch for the shoulds in my life. I don't plan to do anything else with them. I don't plan to try to figure out where they come from (this one just happened to unravel on its own, while I was finishing the vacuuming). I don't plan to (try to) change them. I just want to notice them - that's all.

If you want to join in on my experiment with me - and see where there are shoulds in your life - I'd love the company!

just look at you

inside and out

p.s. In case it's hard to read the message, it says, "You are so beautiful."

random acts of healing

This is totally not the post I was going to write tonight, and it is not exactly related to reiki, but the memory popped into my head so I want to write it down.

Over the past couple of years, I've experienced a great deal of (right) shoulder pain. It comes and goes, but when it comes, it really really hurts. I can bear it for a while, but eventually I have to limit my time on the computer, which is when I notice the pain the most.

I still don't really know what causes it. (Truthfully, I haven't put a great deal of effort into understanding it, for which I apologize to my dear and loyal body.) But the why isn't really important for the purpose of this story.

One day, the pain was especially bad. I didn't know what to do. It occurred to me that I had heard people talking about asking the angels to help with healing. I decided to try it. I sat down on my meditation cushion and thought, "Dear angels, please send me healing for the pain in my right shoulder." A few seconds later, I felt this warm intense buzzing feeling go into my shoulder and down my right arm to my elbow. Almost immediately, the pain was completely gone. It was amazing.

Naturally, I've tried asking the angels for healing since, and never really noticed anything. But still .. this one time, something happened. Of course, it could be coincidence. Or random. Or anything. But it's yet another experience that reminds me that sometimes it's better to try something myself and see what my experience is, then to dismiss it outright because it seems wacky or silly or other people dismiss it.

{Ok, now that I'm reading this, I am cracking up at myself. I mean, I am in pain and don't know what to do, so I ask the angels for help? Instead of, you know, visiting a chiropractor. Or something logical. Like a normal person. Clearly my brain works in mysterious ways.}