I've got a feeling

Last year, spring or summer maybe, I was driving the hour north to Rainier to pick up the pup from the doggy ranch. All of a sudden, I just knew that something was wrong with my car. I had this feeling.

I have this horrible habit; whenever I hear a noise in my car, I turn the radio off and listen intently for the noise, wondering and worrying about what it could be. Needless to say, it was not a fun drive. Especially since there wasn't even a distinct noise to focus on, so I was hearing all sorts of things. I was even sending reiki to the car while I was driving, though I was pretty skeptical about the whole sending reiki to inanimate objects thing. Desperate times call for desperate measure. (I know, desperation seems a bit much, but car troubles are one of those things that freak me out.) But, I got there, and home, and nothing happened.

I was on the freeway a few days later, driving to a dog park out in West Linn, when it happened again. I just knew something was wrong with the car. I watched and listened and worried the whole way there and home. Nothing happened.

This started to become a regular occurrence. It was really freaking me out. So much so that I didn't even want to drive. I had no idea why I was fixated on what seemed like imaginary car troubles.

One day, I was driving, and I started crying. In that moment, I knew what it was.

See .. many years ago, I was in a car accident. I was driving to meet some friends for board games, it was early evening and rainy, and I turned my head to the left to see headlights shining directly into my face. That car hit my left side. The collision pushed my car into the guardrail on a narrow iron bridge, where it bounced off the guardrail into the opposite lane. All I could do was watch as I slammed headfirst into an oncoming van. There was too little time, and nothing I could do to stop it.

My car was totaled, but I walked away with nothing but some bruises (and an oil stain from the air bag on my favorite jacket that still hasn't disappeared). The same for the driver of the van. Mentally, however, I was not fine at all. I could not let go of the fact that I could have actually hurt or killed someone. I took a day off of work to recover, and then I decided that really, it wasn't like something really bad had happened, and I needed to just get over it already. So that's what I did.

Except that of course I didn't really get over it; I just squashed everything away and pretended like my emotions didn't matter. Until last year, when it all came up again to be addressed and healed. Even now, I have a hard time at red lights when cars are rushing past me because it makes me think they're going to hit me, so I find it hard to believe that I thought I could just forget about it.

This story doesn't really have a point, but it is a good reminder to me that trying to avoid or deny or dismiss my feelings doesn't really serve me in the long run. They're there. They're part of me. They have a purpose. And they really deserve to be heard. Of course, it doesn't mean that I am always good about hearing them, or even appreciating them. But still .. life is all about practice.

Comments

[Pearl Mattenson]

Elisabeth- once over 20 years ago I was also in an accident almost exactly like that- walked away unscathed physically too. But mentally I was in a differnt zone. It was like invasion of the body snatchers. I looked like a human being, walking and talking and working but only God knows who was doing all that because I was actually crawled up in a ball somewhere in the corner of my mind trying to make sense of what happened. Thankfully I no longer live in the same place because I could never drive through or even near that intersection. In hindsight I wish I could have stopped everything and givem myself the time I needed to just be with the trauma...

[Casey]

Elizabeth-

I also got this way after the tire fell off my scooter. Even though no other vehicle was involved, I was super spooked by my own damn scooter. Luckily (?) I had two months of broken-rib-healing, so I had some time to process. But I still ride like a grandma because deep down I know my scooter is unstable (even though it's mechanically fine, I can't shake the feeling, and riding used to be one of my primary joys in life.)
This is such a common reaction to a traumatic event that it's strange we still do it. I wonder if is this is because we feel like we have to "power through" the emotions and keep up our normal routines instead of giving ourselves time to just be scared and cry for a while.
Thank you for sharing this. It helps so much to read your experiences.
((hugs)) -case

[elizabeth @ the blue lotus]

@Casey: I remember how you sounded when you talked about riding. It was so clear how much you love it. Hugs to you for the accident and for the still-spooked-feeling deep down.

It does seem like that's at least part of it (the powering through the emotions thing). I also wonder if it's because we feel like we're being weak if we admit that we're scared or like there's a "window" of acceptable emotion-time or .. who knows. I wish we could all be reminded that we all process things in our own way, so whatever we feel and however long it takes for us - is absolutely right and ok.

@Pearl: Oh, I wish I could give you a hug right now. I so understand the intersection thing .. I had a lot of trouble driving on that bridge afterwards; if I could have avoided it, I would have.