a goodbye, or a hello

{I fear this post may be long. You have been warned.}

When I tried reiki, I did so out of curiosity. Some people may want to try it for that reason. Some people may want to know how it can help them in order to decide if they want to try it.

The thing I have learned about reiki is that I can't direct it. It goes where it is needed and helps you figure out what you need most. I have no idea what that is. You may or may not have an idea. In other words, I can't say, "This is what it will do for you."

Since I can't give you specifics, what I'd like to do instead is share experiences and stories that will give you insight into the kind of things it might help with. At some point, I will try to share other people's experiences and stories. For now, I will share mine. Actually, almost everything I have written about thus far is related to my experience with reiki.

But - to be specific - here is one story about my experience with reiki.

When I was six years old, I had boiling water accidentally poured on me in the sauna and I spent a long time in the burn unit in Ann Arbor.

After that, saunas were not happy places. Except I grew up in northern Michigan. The land of the Finnish. Saunas were a staple. Every Saturday, we'd visit my grandparents for a sauna. Every Saturday, I'd sit huddled in a corner of the sauna, staring at the stove and hot water barrel, watching and waiting for something bad to happen. I never felt safe until I was back in the dressing room. But I could never tell anyone how scared I was.

Later, my friends had saunas, and they were hard to avoid. Especially since things like baking in the sauna + jumping into a freezing cold lake were supposed to be fun. I pretended they were. 

In the beginning, I tried not to think about it at all. I certainly couldn't talk about it. As time went on, I figured that it happened in the past and I certainly should be over it already. I mean, it was a long time ago. And it could have been worse. And there were people starving.

Then, I discovered reiki, and started giving myself reiki treatments every night. Slowly but surely, all of this mess came to the surface. All the pain and fear and guilt that I had spent 25 years trying to ignore was suddenly right there, staring me in the face. It was like this gigantic knot that was tangled up with every single thing in my life. To say that facing it wasn't fun would be an understatement. It felt more like I was falling apart and I had no idea what to do.

So I did the only thing I could - I kept giving myself reiki treatments. Sometimes I would go and get one from someone else. I had lots of crazy experiences during reiki treatments. Once, I felt a wave of intense heat everywhere the water hit; that was neat. I cried. A lot. (I got used to crying in public.) I saw a few people for various alternative-y treatments. They would ask how I felt about the accident. I would tell them. It got easier to talk about it. I had insight after insight. The fear and guilt began to dissipate. Slowly, the knot began to unravel.

For much of the time, it felt like I was falling apart. But the thing I started to notice was that every time something hurt, it would hurt for seconds, sometimes minutes, and then it would end. It felt clean. Healing. And afterwards, always, I felt lighter. More free.

It's been a year and a half, I think, and things are much better. The fear, at least, is gone. I ended up trying a sound healing which was amazing and helped the last bit of it leave. The knot is not completely unraveled - maybe it never will be. And you know, that's really ok.

It's funny .. all those years, I wished that the accident had never happened. That I was me, but without the memories and the scar. But it did happen. It's part of me. It shaped me. And now that I am on the other side, I am profoundly grateful that it did happen. I can't even be sorry that I spent all those years discounting the validity of my feelings. Painful as this healing experience was, I learned so much about myself in the process.

In the end, it is this experience that - more than any other - taught me that whether I understand how this energy thing works or not, there is something to it. When I say that I believe it works because I have seen what it has done for me, this is mostly what I am thinking about.

Comments

[Juno]

This is really beautiful and so true. I think of therapy is very similar ways - it was the repetition that let me start to unravel some of the knots and see that they were so much a part of me I could no longer hate them or wish them away.

[anne]

Thanks for sharing. I think I just can't let go. Years of being laughed at for crying maybe?

Anne

[Julie M.]

Thank you for sharing. Acceptance of our entire selves, scars and all, is something that we could all strive for. I think you are so very courageous for coming to terms with yours, the process could not have been easy. You're inspiring. :)

[elizabeth @ the blue lotus]

@Juno: and your therapist is clearly made of awesome! I wonder if reiki helped rather like therapy might have .. except without the talking. I guess it's the whole "learning to love yourself as you are" thing, and from this vantage point, it would be hard to wish such a big part of myself away. So glad you found therapy to be helpful!

@Anne: oh, no, that sounds like it would have been hard. I wish I could give you a hug. I don't think you have to let go of it if you don't want to or aren't ready. Hard to make healing another "should", you know.

@Julie: Thank you! I sort of see 100% acceptance as enlightenment (i.e. I'm so not there) but it's a good goal. I wish we all were there.

[jenG]

This reminds me of the part of "Eat, Pray, Love" where the author is trying to meditate and can't block out some of the past hurts and memories. So she doesn't. She faces them, one by one, accepting that they're part of her that she can't ignore. By acknowledging their presence in her self, she minimizes the subconscious power they have over her.

(This reminds me of that, except that I love it much more. Her tone makes me itchy, and your tone is like a cup of tea. With honey.)

[Leanne]

When I speak of the pain in my past, I am very casual. As if I have peace with all of it. But sometimes I dream about some of it, and I know that things aren't okay deep down. I've often wondered if I talked about it (or tried reiki) I would fall apart. I'm not ready or prepared to do it today, but it is in my imagination. Maybe someday.

Thank you for sharing your story. It strengthens me.

[elizabeth @ the blue lotus]

@Leanne: maybe someday. When you're ready. If you want. I can only imagine how much harder the year would have been with everything + the added pain of thinking that I should face it. {hugs} to you.

@JenG: I giggled at your last sentence because I love that book and her writing. Yes, there is power in facing things and listening to them and accepting their right to exist, for sure - but man, is it sometimes hard to do.