I (can't) choose to trust

I see a BodyTalk practitioner regularly. (If I could explain BodyTalk to you, I would, but I don't really understand it. The best I can say is that it uses muscle testing to determine what your body thinks is a priority - so it can focus its attention and healing there. All I know for sure is that I can tell the sessions are helpful for me.)

In one of my sessions, I mentioned that I had been worrying about the pup much more than usual - and that I wasn't sure whether I was really worried about him, or if he was a stand-in for something else. That being said, I knew it was about time for his regular heart check-up, and that always brings up the worry that I will find out his heart is no longer compensating.

The thing I didn't tell her is that I had thought about it the night before - after meditating for a while - and suspected that the reason I was so worried was because a part of me needed him to be healthy. More specifically, that that part of me needed him to be around.

During the session, she asked me to say, "I choose to trust the universe."

What did I do? I cried. I tried to say it, but the words wouldn't come out. I couldn't say them.

She asked what I was thinking, and I told her that I couldn't trust the universe. (Or God. Or whatever.) Because if I chose to trust, then my beloved little puppy might go when I didn't want him to go. That made me chuckle through my tears because I could see that it wasn't like I was going to get to a point where I said, "Ok, we've had a good run. You can take him now." I mean, let's be sensible here.

I sat with that. And after a while, I was able to say the phrase. And after the session, the worry was gone, replaced with a sense of trust.

This is where I confess that there isn't really a point to this story. I am just continually amazed when stuff pops up from my unconscious and I actually understand why I am doing or thinking something. And, as always, I am thankful that there are ways to make the unconscious conscious so that we can learn from it.

Comments

[Michelle Marlahan]

Mmmm... a deep sigh for this post. It brings up stuff around trust for me, too. Thank you for sharing your experience and the phrase. And for the reminder that through practices like this (and paying attention) we CAN bring the unconscious into consciousness.

xxoo

[Josiane]

{hugs}
And sharing your thankfulness about the fact that "there are ways to make the unconscious conscious so that we can learn from it".

[Julie M.]

Wow. This one really resonated with me. Especially with the, "Okay. We've had a good run..." People are very well intentioned. Lots of them have told us, "Just trust that God has a plan." (With Gregory.) And that's nice and all but, yeah. Sometimes easier said than done. :)

[mella]

I can relate - it's refreshing to be in a place of being grateful for consciousness!

Our bodies hold much wisdom, they have a perfect memory, and I feel that only when we also embrace that brain as a source of intelligence and creativity do we allow ourselves to live fully - at least that's my practice.

Thank you for this exploratory sharing, I especially enjoy the 'pointless'... :)

[Toni]

Wow, this one really resonated with me, too, E. In fact, I started crying and had to step away for a bit. I've been told I have trust issues and I know I do. It's hard when you've been let down by those close to you. Something to work on.

[elizabeth --]

@Toni: Oh, my dear. It is hard to keep trusting after your trust has been broken by someone(s). Sending love and a huge hug to you.

@Mella: Hee. I suppose nothing is exactly pointless; it's just that I am not sure how to wrap things up. Thank you for your comment. In all this "working on stuff", I think it gets me leaning more towards the "doggone this mind/brain" end of the spectrum, and I forget to appreciate it.

@Julie M: Yeah, we are well intentioned. But yes, easier said than done. And sometimes, I suspect that having someone give me advice like that makes it harder to get to that place.

@Josiane: Hug appreciated.

@Michelle: Hugs to you. I'm glad it was useful. (By the way, yoga seems to be one of those practices for me.)