saying goodbye is sad, even when it's happy

Today, I said goodbye to my career of ten years. I knew this day was coming, so I was trying to work on my Reiki services page. For months, mind you. I wanted to post the page before I left my job. It was one of those things that seemed like something you should do. You know, "You should probably hang your shingle out before you say goodbye to your primary source of income."

What did I get done during all those months? Nothing. Well, that's not entirely true. One day, I wrote a few sentences. A few months later, I wrote another few sentences. So yeah, pretty much nothing.

Last week, this started to stress me out. I wanted to know why the words wouldn't come. One day, I set an intention for my Shiva Nata practice - for clarity around the page. After I practiced, I did a bit of journaling.

The question: Why can't I finish my services page?

The answer: you'll really be putting yourself out there; it's hard to take that final step; the other steps were easier.

Ok, that was sort of helpful. I went about my day and forgot about it. But later, when I was taking the pup for his after-dinner walk, I started to cry. Poor pup; his walk was cut short. By the time I got home, I was really crying, and I had no idea why.

I decided to try this thing that I had heard about where you write a question with one hand and answer it with the other - supposedly it accesses a different part of your brain.

The question: Why am I so sad?

The answer: Oh, sweetie. You're grieving a loss. The loss of the life you had. Even if it wasn't right, it was familiar and comfortable. Putting up the services page is like stepping over the threshold. You need to grieve that loss. {By the way, I would like to point out two things here. First, it took forever to write this with my left hand. Second, I called myself sweetie! This makes me so happy. I can see how far I've come.}

Oh.

Ohhhh.

I let the sadness run its course. I said goodbye. A few days later, I wrote a draft of the page. It's still not posted, but I realized that I'm not really in a hurry, and I don't want to post it just because I feel like I "should" do so.

All in all, this was a good reminder to me that a change involves both a goodbye and a hello, and that even if I think I'm happy to make the change, there are probably still elements of the goodbye that are sad.

Comments

[Rose]

I'm so proud of you!!! If you want me to read-over anything, let me know (i enjoy proofreading things).

The most important thing is, we all support you.
We care and I'm here if you need a shoulder.

~Rose

[Heidi Mae]

How true it is that even when we are happy or excited about new possibilities there is still the door that is closing, which is a certain grief in itself. Leaving the comfort of the known is a very courageous step. I applaud you. :)

[Lori]

It's like when you move to a wonderful, magical place. So exciting! But you're still leaving friends behind and special places that you loved there too.

i've gotta try that two-handed writing thing....

[elizabeth --]

@Lori: I think I tried it a year or so ago and got good info then .. it seemed vaguely familiar. It's just slow-going to write with the opposite hand. ;)

@Heidi Mae: Thanks! I had forgotten about the grief, because I was so excited, that I thought it was all good.

@Rose: Such a sweet offer, thank you. (I enjoy proofreading too. It's rather fun!)

[Josiane]

Oh yes, it's so easy to forget about the grief, and then not realise what it is that's keeping us stuck...
It's really cool that you left hand knows you're a sweetie! Because you are, that's for sure. :)

[Tracy]

The two-hand writing...what a great way to seek answers! I'm sorry you've been having a difficult time. It is amazing the emotion of the beginning and end of something. At the moment I feel something of what you are going through, as my own little business is failing and it may be time now to switch gears and re-channel the energy elsewhere. I don't have all the answers yet, but am feeling very sad about it as I've been nurturing this business for 4 years now. I admire your courage. Small steps... :o) ((HUGS))

[jenG]

Can I be proud of you, too? This is enormous and wonderful, and you are courageous and inspiring.

(REALLY, helpfully inspiring. And timely. I've been approached to consult on something I've never flown solo on professionally. It's what I want to do and I'm confident....but putting that down on paper and charging money for it? Big, big step.)

[elizabeth --]

@Jen: Thank you! And that is fantastic news - thanks for sharing! I am excited for you.

@Tracy: It is a quite helpful process, if slow-going. :) I am sorry to hear the news about your business. Sending hugs and love to you as you find the answers.

@Josiane: Hee. That made me think of a quote - something about the right hand not knowing what the left hand is doing. ;)

[Laurie Gay]

Yes! It's funny that I stumbled onto this post, because I JUST wrote about how all losses, even when we've lost something that we've WANTED to lose, needs us to grieve for it.

It's an identity gone, and when I left my career of 10 years, it took me about 1 year to fully grieve it. And, i was REALLY ready to go.

But we're all different, and there is no way to quicken the grieving pace, I find (except for giving yourself permission to be sad, instead of fighting).

Exciting for you. How perceptive that you picked up on this. Bravissimo, darling.

Love,
Laurie