the never-ending story of cat allergies

One of the things that Reiki is helping me with is my cat allergies. I am not really around cats all that much so I don't have a lot of opportunities to see how things are progressing. (Truthfully, I am still not all that comfortable around cats, so I also don't look for opportunities.) But, I spent about three hours at my parents' house on Saturday night where my youngest sister - and her cat - live.

The way it used to work is that within seconds, unless I was on steroids, my airway would start to close and I would find it harder and harder to breathe. On Saturday, for those three hours, I was fine. Of course, I was quite pleased with this. In fact, I may or may not have periodically poked my sister and whispered, "See .. no symptoms!"

I had to wake up really early on Sunday morning to catch a flight. When my alarm rang, I noticed that my breathing was shallow; apparently I was having a delayed reaction. I spent about 30 minutes giving myself a Reiki treatment and doing a round of Body Chemistry (a BodyTalk thing), coughed for a while, and then felt much better.

On the way to the airport, however, I was overcome with disappointment and frustration. It feels like I've been working on these allergies for ages - and I get so optimistic that they are finally gone for good - and then I find out that they're not. I can't even appreciate that they've improved because what I really want is for them to be gone completely. Anything less is unacceptable. (I would like to actually stay with my sister, instead of staying at a hotel.)

As I was expressing all of this, two things occurred to me.

First, when I am around cats, I am hyper-aware of my breathing and how I am feeling. I cannot turn that awareness off. I am not sure this focus is helping me. The thing that I think would help a great deal would be if I could totally forget about my allergies. Realistically, I don't know if this will ever happen. Maybe if my symptoms were things like sneezing or a runny nose. But not being able to breathe is a horrible and scary thing. I remember it well.

Second, I do have something that helps me. It's not quite as bad as the prednisone I used to take (which I hated because while I could mostly breathe, I felt awful and generally not like myself). It's rather expensive without insurance, and it's definitely not natural and holistic, but it does help. The trouble is that it doesn't work unless I start taking it before I'm around cats. And since I cannot track my progress if I am on it, I don't like to take it until I am at the point where I really need help, at which point it's too late. Plus, I am stubborn, and am stubbornly convinced that I can do this my way.

My allergies have improved to the point that I no longer have to worry that I'll go to someone's house and find out they have a cat and then I won't be able to breathe. If it turns out they have a cat, I am generally fine for a few hours or even the day. So, there are only two places I visit that I really run into problems: my sister's house (she has three cats and I have a history of not being able to breathe there) and my parent's house (the one cat and again, the history). And, because I do not like to take the thing that helps because I want to see how I am improving, it means that I can never really completely relax and enjoy my visits to those places. It's hard to relax when I am constantly monitoring my progress and watching for slight changes.

It seems to me that the kindest thing to do would be to take the thing that helps me before I visit either of them. I may never really know whether my allergies are gone completely. And I may never be able to sleep in either house overnight. But I am not sure that putting myself in hyper-aware mode just to test my theories is really being kind to myself. And getting upset at myself for being disappointed and frustrated and feeling like I must be doing something wrong if they're not yet gone - is most definitely not.

Comments

[steph]

But I am not sure that putting myself in hyper-aware mode just to test my theories is really being kind to myself.

Oh my gosh does this resonate with me. I had the major revelation recently that there was a circumstance I was considering putting myself in just so I could test my improvement. And I realized that I don't have to keep putting myself through that all the time. It's okay for me to turn off the testing-mode, or just skip the circumstance entirely if that's what it takes (which is what I'll be doing). And while I'm having a hard time changing my behavior pattern around this thing, it really does feel like a more kind-to-me choice.

Good luck to you!

[Julie M.]

Very thought-provoking post. I deal with allergies too and sometimes I'm so focused on whether or not the symptoms are improving, I'm probably hyper-aware and might feel things much more than I would otherwise. And wow- I knew you were allergic to kitties but I didn't know it was to that extent. No fun...

[elizabeth --]

@Julie: Yeah, it was bad. (It was also probably my own fault that they got that bad. But that's another story ..) Allergies are no fun at all. I hope the symptoms improve for you over time.

@Steph: Thanks! Turning off testing and/or skipping the circumstance does sound kind. And even that is a slight change in your pattern!