why can't I like my own work

I was making cards last week to give to my coworkers, to let them know how much I'd enjoyed working with them over the years. As I was looking at the photos - some of my very favorite ones - I involuntarily sighed happily and said, "These are just so beautiful." Immediately, I felt a twinge of guilt and shame. And then I wondered why that was so.

I wasn't saying that my photos were better than anyone else's. I wasn't saying that anyone (or everyone) else thinks they're beautiful. I was looking at something that I created and saying that it was beautiful to me.

The fact that I somehow feel like there is something wrong with enjoying my own work makes me sad. I feel like it stems from something bigger, from the fact that while it's ok to think or say positive things about other people (that they're beautiful or worthy or creative), I still sort of feel like there is something wrong with thinking - even worse, saying - the same things to myself. There are still those voices that sneer and say, "Well .. don't you think highly of yourself."

Mostly, this makes me sad because I know that I'm not alone. I hate thinking that there are so many people who can't be their biggest and best cheerleaders, whether it's because they don't believe they deserve it, or because they believe there's something wrong with loving and appreciating yourself. And I really do believe that if we all knew that we were wonderful and beautiful and smart and worthy and creative and valuable, the world would be a very different place.

Clearly I haven't mastered this myself, so I have no wise words on how to learn to do this, but at least this time I caught myself and asked a question. Maybe that's a start.

Comments

[Josiane]

You are right when you say you're not alone. And I agree, it's really sad. Asking the question does indeed sound like a good start.

[anne]

It is sad. I love it when I make something and think "that is amazing!" and I always seem to follow it with "I can't believe I made it!"

Anne

[steph]

I think the noticing is most definitely a start. (And you're right - you're not alone.)

[jenG]

I think it starts when we're children. We're taught that arrogance is bad and "pride cometh before the fall," so many of us are afraid to be or appear too prideful. Our parents spent so much time on "everyone is equal"...they didn't always get around to "everyone is special."

(There's another, deeper, uglier lesson that I hope, at this point, is unintentional--that we can't determine our own value because it depends on what other people think, not on what we think.)

I wonder--if we started from "everyone is special," would we create a culture of confidence? Or is that how we got to a culture of entitlement?

Hmmm. You always make me think. I like that about you.

[elizabeth --]

@JenG: I wonder. I suspect that there is a difference between feeling that you have worth and value and that you are special and deserve "things".

@Steph, @Josiane: That is sad ..

@Anne: Every time I look at that blue scarf, I think how much effort you must have put into it - and how amazing it is. :)

[Tracy]

Oh, no, you're not alone in these thoughts and feelings, Elizabeth. I think it takes times to work through these feelings, to come into an acceptance and appreciate of one's own hard work and vision. To allow ourselves that moment of satisfaction in its purity. I'm working on it too! ;o) We each have gifts...we use them, they bring others joy. Why not some joy for ourselves too?! ((HUGS))

[jen t]

for me, i *know* i like my creations, but i don't always *believe* they are/I am worthy. maybe it just takes practice.

and then, sometimes i see work that others have made, and in which they have a sense of pride and accomplishment, and the aesthetic doesn't ring true with me. the beauty of it is the intention and the attention of the person behind the creation. and that is the part that speaks to me. i look at my own work from my early 20's this way. now it seems so silly or childish, but it was true for me at that time. seriously. you should (or maybe really shouldn't!) see all the self portraits. and for a season, i had magnetic earings. tee-hee. i've ditched most of my writing from that period of my life...too, too... sticky to keep.

i guess i am a tough critic coming and going!

[elizabeth --]

@Tracy: I hope it just takes time, and that we all get there in the end!

@Jen: I hope so. We can practice together. :) That is so .. I can appreciate that others love a certain aesthetic and appreciate the passion and creativity they put into it, even if that aesthetic is not for me. And I'd love to see all your self-portraits!