retinal perspectives

is this true

Lately, I've been worried about the pup. It was one of those things where I wasn't sure if I was really worried about him (he does have things I need to watch out for but is full of life enough that I doubt they're troubling him right now) or if I was worried about something else without realizing it and he was just a convenient outlet.

He had a BodyTalk session yesterday and, in a moment of quiet during the session, I realized that I was terribly sad and had no idea why. (I realized this because tears started to drip from my eyes.) I then realized that I really had been worried about him - but still had no idea why. I was driving home from the session when it hit me.

Life is pretty good.

But life can't be all good, so I just know that something is going to go horribly wrong. When I am watching and waiting for something to go wrong, the pup is the most logical place to look.

I wondered why I thought life couldn't be all good. Because for one, that's not how it works (she said with assurance). And because I don't deserve it.

{In case you've ever wondered why I post the Monday messages, it's partly because I need the reminders myself.}

I don't really know what to do with this information right now, so the thing I am doing is asking, "Is this true? Can I absolutely know this to be true?"

Life can't be all good. Is this true? Maybe. Maybe not. I guess I can't be certain that something horribly bad has to happen in response. It's not like little stuff isn't going wrong. Either way, I can't be absolutely certain that it's true.

I don't deserve it. Is this true? I think it is. But then again, I guess I can't be absolutely certain that it's true.

As it turns out, the questions are helping. At least I'm not following Atlas around with worried eyes anymore (because the thing I do know is that that is not helpful at all and, since he can read me like a book, tends to make him sick because he's worrying about me).

no matter what

just do one thing

I had a Shiva Nata epiphany - a Shivapiphany? - last week that I found rather interesting.

My project for the summer is to start an etsy shop for photos and photo cards. It is a lovely project but it seemed oddly slow going. I'd start the day with all these thoughts running around in my head of things to do. And yet I'd end the day without doing any of them.

When I journal after Shiva Nata practice, the thing that comes up quite often is, "Take one step at a time". This is such an obvious statement that I tend to go, "Whatever. What else would I do." and ignore it.

Well .. the epiphany behind this finally hit me.

When my head is full of all of the things I need to do for a project, the number of things to do overwhelms me. I can't decide which things to do when. I can't decide which things are most important. I can't be sure that I'm not missing something. And so I do nothing. Well, I guess I'm not doing nothing - I'm doing a lot of thinking - but no action is being taken.

Hence my advice to myself. The thing I need to do is just pick one thing and do it.

I've been trying this out and I have to say, I am remarkably productive. (To be fair, the bar was extremely low.) Who knew.

look inward

practicing kindness

I figured out why I was having such a hard time with the drinking water experiment.

The reason?

I have been trying really hard to practice being kind to myself. Since I don't like water, the whole forcing myself to drink water (because it did feel forced) felt very unkind. It felt more like a punishment than an experiment.

When I realized this, it made me happy. Since I had a hard time getting myself to do something that didn't seem kind, it seems to indicate that I am getting better at practicing self-kindness. Even better, I had no idea why I couldn't do it, so it was all happening at a less than conscious level.

Of course, I could be wrong. But for now, I'm going with it.

So hey! Even if I'm not practicing it perfectly, it's having an effect.

you are enough

you are enough

things I am thinking about

It's been five weeks since I left my job. I think, anyway. Maybe six. It feels like a lifetime ago. As it turns out, I spent an awful lot of time thinking about work, even when I wasn't there, so now there is room in my head for all the other ideas that I really wanted to think about.

The pup looks very muscle-y. I think his exercise has doubled. Needless to say, he approves of the whole self-employment thing. (His owner is not quite so muscle-y, but there is always hope.)

Spending time doing nothing - or what people might consider nothing, like long slow walks with the pup - is very nourishing.

Halfway through my month off, I realized that I had never actually taken time off where I had no plans. If I took vacation, I left immediately for wherever and went back to work as soon as I returned. Even during my sabbatical, where I had ten weeks, I left immediately for a 6-week road trip, had a few days to recover from the road trip before I left for Peru, and then had not quite a week before I went back to work. Don't get me wrong, it was great but, when I went back to work, I needed a vacation from my vacation. Weekends (or long weekends) weren't really the same because I was always thinking about work (even if unconsciously) or trying to make the most of my down-time.

The funny thing about this - if things had worked out like I planned them, I would have been busy/gone three out of those four weeks. The only reason I wasn't was because two events were rescheduled. So it's not really thanks to me that I wound up having my most nourishing vacation ever.

Part of the reason I took the month off was to give myself time to freak out - you know, when the automatically deposited paychecks stopped. But it never happened (maybe because I gave myself permission to do so?). All in all, I was and am happy. Blissfully happy. Which is a good thing, because we've been having a million days of rain, and I might otherwise be a bit down about this.

something to think about

and greater than your strengths

my year of experiments gone wrong

Ah yes. My (and I quote) "brilliant idea for a birthday gift to myself". My year of experiments. The idea being that I would start a new habit or practice every month and practice it daily until the next month, at which point it would hopefully be integrated into my life.

The current month's experiment is to drink a glass of water, first thing every morning. That practice lasted, oh, exactly two days. Then it progressed to where I'd make myself a glass in the morning (I say make because the way I make water palatable is to use 1/3 sparkling mineral water, a squirt of lemon or lime juice, and 2/3 tap water), but it would sit on my desk until lunchtime, at which point I'd stare at it mournfully and take a few sips. Now, I don't even need to make myself a glass in the morning, because yesterday's glass is usually still sitting on my desk, waiting for me to finally take a sip.

Ok, so the Shiva Nata month went well. But, at this point, my idea is not seeming so very brilliant. In fact, it is more frustrating than anything. Who knew that a little glass of water could cause such angst.

Maybe that's the problem. It seems like such an easy thing to drink a glass of water in the morning. And yet I can't get myself to do it. What's that phrase? A mountain from a molehill? Apparently this is my molehill.

So, that's where I am with my current experiment. If you're looking for me, you can probably find me at my desk, staring balefully at my molehill.

If you decided to join in, I hope your experiments are going much better.

the benefits of Reiki

My Reiki practice is officially open for business! Yay!

One of the troubles I have with Reiki is that I can't really say, "This is how a session will benefit you .." I've talked about this problem before - that's partly why I share my experiences with it.

I did a lot of Reiki sessions during March and April and asked everyone to report back on their experience. (All distant sessions, since that is what I was planning to offer.) I thought that if I could get a good sampling of results, I might find a few commonalities that would help me give you at least some idea as to how a Reiki session might benefit you.

The one thing I did hear back from most everyone was that they felt really deeply relaxed during the session. Other than that, the experiences were as individual as the recipients.

Except, now that I think about it, they were all similar to things I've experienced myself: change or lessening of pain, physical sensations during the session, better sleep, more energy, clarity, change in mood, epiphanies ..

So, I guess I'm back to my original plan. I still can't say, "This is how a session will benefit you .." All I can do is share my - and others' - experiences with Reiki.