is this true

Lately, I've been worried about the pup. It was one of those things where I wasn't sure if I was really worried about him (he does have things I need to watch out for but is full of life enough that I doubt they're troubling him right now) or if I was worried about something else without realizing it and he was just a convenient outlet.

He had a BodyTalk session yesterday and, in a moment of quiet during the session, I realized that I was terribly sad and had no idea why. (I realized this because tears started to drip from my eyes.) I then realized that I really had been worried about him - but still had no idea why. I was driving home from the session when it hit me.

Life is pretty good.

But life can't be all good, so I just know that something is going to go horribly wrong. When I am watching and waiting for something to go wrong, the pup is the most logical place to look.

I wondered why I thought life couldn't be all good. Because for one, that's not how it works (she said with assurance). And because I don't deserve it.

{In case you've ever wondered why I post the Monday messages, it's partly because I need the reminders myself.}

I don't really know what to do with this information right now, so the thing I am doing is asking, "Is this true? Can I absolutely know this to be true?"

Life can't be all good. Is this true? Maybe. Maybe not. I guess I can't be certain that something horribly bad has to happen in response. It's not like little stuff isn't going wrong. Either way, I can't be absolutely certain that it's true.

I don't deserve it. Is this true? I think it is. But then again, I guess I can't be absolutely certain that it's true.

As it turns out, the questions are helping. At least I'm not following Atlas around with worried eyes anymore (because the thing I do know is that that is not helpful at all and, since he can read me like a book, tends to make him sick because he's worrying about me).

Comments

[Vivienne Grainger]

Life can't be all good all the time, but you may be in one of those lovely little periods of grace when Things Troubling recede for a time. A breathing space, as it were. Relax and enjoy it, as it won't last forever.

And may the next Thing Troubling be a very small Thing of easily-resolved Trouble.

And last? You do deserve it.

[Josiane]

I'm glad you've found the source of your worry, and a way to examine the underlying reasons why you've felt that worry.
"Is this true?" - such a simple question, and such a powerful one as well. Thanks for putting it in my mind today; I think it would be useful for me to examine a few things from that perspective.

[elizabeth --]

@Josiane: Gotta love simple + powerful. Especially since simple is (usually) easier to remember.

@Vivienne: I love your phrase "Things Troubling". That captures it exactly.

[jen t]

i think i've tried to remember some words of khalil gibran here or on retinal perspectives before...our sorrows are sort of carving out a cup to hold our joy. you know which part i'm referring to? (or, to which part...) i like to keep that in mind. and this is your season of filling the cup, and it seems your cup runneth o'er.

i don't think you deserve it either. i think the good just is. because if you deserve it, then you'd deserve the yucky stuff, too. it isn't, deserve, the word i'd choose. i believe the good and the bad, work for the good of you, of each of us. in difficult times we are often able to see our weaknesses, areas to heal and to grow. in seasons of great joy, aren't we enjoying the fruits of our labors, and don't our legs feel strong and true?

it is all part of the fabric of you. wonderful, inspiring you.

[elizabeth --]

@Jen: I think you're referring to the below? I love that quote too. (Well, I love everything in The Prophet.) Thank you for reminding me of it. Yeah, maybe deserve isn't the greatest word. I don't mind using it for the moment though because the voices in my head have no trouble believing that I "deserve" anything bad or hard; I feel like it evens it out. :) Your message is wise and beautiful - I'm so glad I read it.

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain .." - Kahlil Gibran

[Rose]

I can relate to the worry of waiting for the other pin to drop. I've noticed that I often go looking for trouble if things are going too well.
And I hope you're a little more relaxed now you've identified what was worrying you.

I also want to remind you that you've helped me so much through the past 6 months that you definitely deserve a bit of happiness. Even if you can only accept a few hours of happiness, that's fine.

You don't not deserve happiness :)
-Rose.

[Larisa]

Oh! Oh! Another post on the same theme! I must comment yet again. :)

Yes, we do seem to be asking very similar questions and pondering the same issue. I'm realizing that for me *deserve* is a loaded word. I find it pretty easy to believe I 'deserve' to be punished when I've done something 'bad.' Sometimes, I even feel justified in receiving good when I've been good (and angry when the good I've done isn't rewarded).

Living from this mindset, however, requires sooo much energy and hard work. It's a constant battle of doing.

So, yes, back to sinking into the possibility that maybe, just maybe, I am (you are) enough.

And, that maybe 'deserve' has nothing to do with it.

My best to you. And, I'd love to hear how the unraveling of this pattern goes regarding your relationship with food (something I'm also currently exploring - great minds *do* think alike). :)

Thanks for commenting on my blog and leading me back to yours!

[elizabeth --]

@Larisa: Isn't that crazy how we feel like we deserve bad but don't deserve good? That just puzzles me. But you're right - it is so much energy and work. I wish us luck finding the better way.

@Rose: I was a little more relaxed, thanks. And I am glad I was able to help. I hope your GF's absence is going well over there.