(missing) a feeling of safety

I don't quite know what's going on but I have epiphanies rolling in left and right these days. I have noticed that my Reiki treatments (for myself) seem more intense, and I have been practicing Shiva Nata regularly, so I suppose it's to be expected. It's just that it's a bit overwhelming. They're all huge. They're all important. And they're all getting at deeper reasons for why I do the things I do (or don't do).

I decided that my focus for the month would be trust. I have a lot of issues with trust. It's important and useful. It's probably worth some focus.

The one message I keep getting consistently is that I need rest. I need rest in general. I need rest to process and integrate the epiphanies. I need rest to discover what's next. And yet, I resist. I don't trust the message. Plus, I don't know how to rest. Whenever I think I'm resting, I'm really doing things in my head or I'm worrying about all the things I think I should be doing instead of resting.

I was talking to a friend and she mentioned something about resting being connected to safety. Something about that thought rang true.

And then that night, while I was trying to sleep, it hit me.

I don't feel safe. Ever. Because once upon a time, in a moment when I felt safe (and was naked and vulnerable, no less), someone I trusted poured boiling water on me.

The me of now knows that it was an accident. But the me of then is small and scared and sees everything through a filter of fear. She thinks that something bad could happen to me at any moment. She believes that safety and vulnerability and trust lead to pain. And she knows that since she cannot control everything, I am never safe.

No wonder I can't rest.

No wonder trust keeps coming up as an issue.

No wonder money and weight keep coming up as issues (both of which represent safety to me, in varying forms).

I must confess that I found this very fascinating. I also didn't really know what to do with it, so I took it to my BodyTalk session later that week and told the practitioner about it. Along with doing the session itself, she suggested that I look for moments when I feel safe and take note of them so that it becomes easier to remember what safety actually feels like.

So, that's what I'm doing. I'm looking for safety.

Comments

[steph]

...she suggested that I look for moments when I feel safe and take note of them so that it becomes easier to remember what safety actually feels like.

That sounds really helpful to me. Thank you for sharing it.

I wish you success in your quest to find (notice) safety!

[Josiane]

Parts of this resonate with me. You know how Havi says to bring safety in so that we can move forward and do our thing? Well, I've been thinking lately that I'm not even sure what it is I need to feel safe... So I'm totally with you in looking for what safety means to me and how to bring some in.
{hug}

[Larisa]

Safety is such a big thing for me as well.

I wouldn't have made the rest-safety connection if it wasn't, after all.

Anyway, just want to acknowledge the connection you made - it's huge! And, to wish you support and ease in your search for safety. :)

[elizabeth @ retinal perspectives]

@Larisa: thanks! So glad you made that comment. :)

@Josiane: Ah. I remember that. Sending good wishes for your search for what *you* need to feel safe.

@Steph: you're welcome! I suspect it might also be useful for qualities other than safety.

[jan]

To me, I read this and Radical Acceptance is what comes to mind. I don't know if you are familiar with Cognitive Behavior Therapy, but it is an essential part of that.

[elizabeth @ retinal perspectives]

@Jan: I have not heard of it, but I will dig on Google - thanks!