eleven months ago, i quit my job (or career) of 10 years as an engineer. i told people that i was leaving to be a reiki person. that's what i thought i was doing.
that summer, i had an epiphany. in my heart of hearts, i knew that i didn't quit my job to be a reiki person. it wasn't that i didn't love reiki and didn't want to share it with others - because i did and i do - just that it wasn't the reason i left. reiki was a proxy. it was the reason i gave myself because the real reason would have been unacceptable.
except i didn't know the real reason.
i was getting ready to open my etsy shop when i had the epiphany so i thought that maybe i left in order to do something related to photography. it made sense in a way. i love taking pictures more than almost anything and i would never ever in a million years have quit my job for it. i figured that must be it and moved on, but then in february, i had another epiphany - an epiphany that i am still processing.
it turns out that i didn't quit my job for reiki or for photography or for any other make-a-living sort of thing. it turns out that i quit my job in order to learn how to rest and play.
yes. rest and play. you can see why i might have hid this from myself.
i am still somewhat in resistance to this idea, but here is the thing i am slowly realizing. i do know how to work hard. i do know how to go after what i want. i have done it for a very long time. i just don't know how to do it without sacrificing myself in the process. my body was trying to tell me that for at least eight of those ten years. i didn't listen. after a while, i couldn't even hear it.
that is why rest and play are important. if i can learn to rest and play, it won't matter how i decide to make my living. i could remain self-employed. i could decide that i want to be an engineer again. i could do something entirely different. it doesn't matter. whatever i do, i will be able to do it in a way that is healthy and supportive and loving and kind - and that will make all the difference.
(in a humorous reinforcement that rest and play are indeed lessons i need to learn, here's the first thing i thought after i had my epiphany. "why now? why couldn't i have understood this ten months ago? then i could be done with the resting and playing and be back to the hard work + sacrifice already. why now?" well, ok, that wasn't my first thought. my first thought included panic, major resistance, and "what on earth is wrong with me? who quits their job to learn to rest and play? why can't i just be normal?" but it was definitely my second thought.)
I, too, quit my job for rest and play. I sold my store to remove the biggest stress from my life. And while I am working again, it is not my life. I can do anything. Anything at all. Right now I chose to breathe. Thank you, Elizabeth for always being such an inspiration!
Posted by: kirsten | 04/04/2011 at 09:28 PM
It pleases me to read this. When I quit mine ages ago, it was more about physically where I was at the time. Just not the right place for me. I quit to find the perfect place to live...and discovered nowhere's perfect. S'aright though, I learned quite a bit about what's important to me through the journey.
Posted by: claire | 04/04/2011 at 09:52 PM
Most people work so that they can afford to rest and play for maybe a week or two out of the year. You have learned to put rest and play first.
The next step is to make work part of your rest and play. And I think you are on your way to doing that.
Maybe we should all live more like dogs.
Posted by: Jerry Critter | 04/04/2011 at 10:10 PM
I love the honesty you always share here, Elizabeth. Our society is so often fixated on working ourselves to the bone for but a very brief period of vacation, and then nose back to the grind stone until next year... play & rest are not factored in enough. If us grown ups were able to live a bit more like children and animals--work hard, but rest and play well too, a better balance might be found. Rest and play... sounds wonderful to me! :o) ((HUGS))
Posted by: Tracy | 04/05/2011 at 03:13 AM
This is gorgeous and so inspiring.
YOU are the real reason for everything you do.
Kat x
PS Congratulations on your beautiful "I am enough" post.
Posted by: Kat | 04/05/2011 at 03:19 AM
Wow, you just completely blew my mind. I quit a job over 5 years ago and still haven't precisely figured out why/what I am intending to do. You've given me a bunch to think about here.
Posted by: Darcy | 04/05/2011 at 04:01 AM
Kat said it.
Posted by: jen t | 04/05/2011 at 06:49 AM
the full flower, the new bud and the bud just emerging, all on the same stem. glorious for what you're meaning! i worked for 25 years straight when i became a widow. too hard, too long at something that simply "paid the bills." then came blood pressure of 270/160 to shut me down. best thing that ever happened. i am learning who i am at 65. and loving each precious minute left for me to do it. we need so little really - need VS want - that it's wonderful you girls have figured that out earlier than i did! i was just raised... work,work,work. ... now my mantra would be do what you love, the money will follow.
Posted by: tammy | 04/05/2011 at 07:01 AM
I love this post Elizabeth! I think for me it is also never feeling like enough (another great post you wrote!! :))so I killed myself at my job to feel like I was enough...then there was none of me even left. Thank you for sharing of yourself. XOXO Stephanie
Posted by: Stephanie | 04/05/2011 at 10:34 AM
like this.
have to think about it.
how can it relate to me?
Posted by: Ann Bimberg | 04/05/2011 at 12:46 PM
see how many commented. that says it all
because what you said here is something
we all yearn to find, to embrace and
we get it.
of course, you are the one who can just
say it and we all breath deep.
so happy that i have the gifted you.
smooch.
Posted by: kelly | 04/05/2011 at 06:44 PM
Elizabeth, this post has really got me thinking. Thank you for writing it.
Posted by: gayle | 04/05/2011 at 06:48 PM
@kirsten: what a huge thing to realize and act upon. i'm glad you found your breathing room. and that is it exactly. i want to breathe. only i resist it because it seems all wrong somehow. (another post.)
@claire: no place is perfect, except the pacnw. ;) learning about what is important is a good thing indeed. glad the journey helped.
@jerry: yes! that is the hope. i think it's possible. and i notice that as i experiment with rest & play, it turns out that they are good for me and my business. fascinating stuff. thanks for sharing your wisdom here.
@tracy: so true. which i think is why rest and play seem so wrong. it goes against everything in our culture. i can feel a post percolating. dogs and children as models - yes!
@kat: thank you! it was fun to share it.
@darcy: i feel like we are comrades on a journey. :)
@jen t: <3
@tammy: your comment made me think about the planting trees quote - how the next best time is right now. sending love to you as you take that journey!
@stephanie: oh my goodness, yes. i can definitely relate. perfectionism and worth and .. i hope your time now is helping you get yourself back.
@ann: if you find that it does and want to share, i'd love to hear!
@kelly: it does seem like we're all slowly coming around to it .. it's sort of at the heart of minimalism, really .. looking at what's important. we can all journey together. love you!
@gayle: you're very welcome!
Posted by: elizabeth @ retinal perspectives | 04/05/2011 at 08:48 PM
elizabeth, thank you for this. claiming rest and play is big. you inspire me because i left a career too and yet i still worry sometimes how others perceive me as i'm trying to find my way. in many conversations the first question i'm asked is, "what do you do?" and those things feel too new and close to my heart to share immediately. without an actual job title to rattle off i've felt so vulnerable, and yet i do believe i am just where i need to be. thank you again and thank you for the "i am enough" post too. you are magnificent. xo
Posted by: jennifer h | 04/05/2011 at 10:26 PM
There is a reason you have such a connection with Atlas.
Posted by: Jerry Critter | 04/05/2011 at 11:27 PM
I love your epiphanies! And I love your photography...or should I say art? I admire you for listening to your gut & following your heart!
Posted by: Kate d | 04/06/2011 at 12:51 PM
Now that is a noble reason if I ever heard one.
What a perfect combination...rest and play. Why does work take up so much of most people's lives? It's not fair and it shouldn't be that way.
So I applaud you for following your intuition and making a change that you truly needed.
Posted by: jaime | 04/27/2011 at 09:47 PM
I am trying to emulate my cat: everything is a toy to be played with.
(There is/are a number of idiots at work who hate this attitude of mine. I try to avoid them.)
Thank you for writing - it gave me a lot to think about.
Posted by: bullwinkle | 05/01/2011 at 02:00 PM