retinal perspectives

painting without painting

"Every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature into his pictures."

- Henry Ward Beecher

(do you know why i picked this quote? because this is exactly the sort of thing i've tried to paint - and wish i could paint. oh, if only i could. then again, i am grateful that i can at least paint it with my camera, even if i can't paint it with the paintbrush.)

(clearly my nature must be very calm and zen-like. ha. i wish. but it does remind me of conversations with future me, who is so zen that she drives me batty. the last time i talked to her, i asked her if i was a particular thing. she said something wise and pithy like, "i am and i am not, because you create your own future in each moment." so annoying. it's a wonder i talk to her at all.)

a study in motion

it amazes me that i ever manage to get a picture that's in focus at all.

to market, to market

i could spend my entire summer wandering around the farmers' market and never ever grow bored. i do so love food. (even though i must confess that i am often better at buying things like jams and pestos and giant bottles of honey because they say atlas on them and sweet treats than i am at buying fruits and vegetables.)

30 days of shiva nata - checking in

this is the last week of my 30 days of (something). less than a week, really.

if you are joining in and want to check in on this post, i would love love love to hear from you. regardless, know that i am happy that we're all in this together, and am cheering you on.

a few people have mentioned that they've been approaching their particular practice with much more gentleness than usual. rather than considering themselves a failure if they miss a day, they just notice it and move on.

that is definitely what i noticed in my own practice this week. i practiced shiva nata on monday, tuesday, and wednesday, flailed a little on the beach on thursday, but then i didn't really practice on friday, saturday, or sunday. i thought about practicing, but it felt like i was doing some inner deep sea diving and it felt better to give myself some time off from the physical practice.

the best part? unlike pretty much every other time i tried this 30 day practice, i did not decide that missing a day meant that i failed and therefore must quit. hurrah!

this week, my theme of permission surfaced in a surprising and delightful way. i gave myself permission to do the things i wanted. i went to the woods and i went to the ocean and i bought cherry lemonade and atlas and i sat in the grass in the sun while the neighbor kids loved on atlas and told me stories. (did you know that trees and flowers can help ease pain? and that if you wrap your hand in duct tape to make a fist and then pull it off, it will hurt a lot? i didn't, but now i do.)

on saturday, i was trying to figure out exactly what it was i was feeling. it felt a little like happiness but somehow deeper and more grounded. i finally figured it out - it was contentment.

i feel very contented.

a sense of trust, volume 24

{my attempt to capture 52 photos that represent trust - my word for 2011}

i cannot say why, but this is the picture that called to me this week. i leave it to you to interpret.

my favorite place to be, in technicolor

i followed my impulse to head to the ocean yesterday. we arrived at the end of a downpour, left in sunshine, and had most of the beach to ourselves. it was a glorious sandy wet adventure. i feel refreshed and renewed - it had been much too long.

as i drove, i listened to energy anatomy by caroline myss. i made it through the first three chakras and my mind is seriously blown. there is so much to think about. eventually i suspect at least some of my thoughts might make it from my brain to my blog.

speaking of things to think about, here are a few things that are rolling around in my mind.

thought-provoking questions to ask yourself, from poet david whyte.

"What could you do now for yourself or others that your future self would look back on and congratulate you for—something it could view with real thankfulness because the decision you made opened up the life for which it is now eternally grateful?"

redefining what it means to be bad, from justine musk.

"Instead of recognizing a woman as a complex and multi-dimensional being, instead of allowing her the flaws, mistakes and happy accidents that come with the trial-and-error process known as the human condition, we stomp her into a cartoon. We accept an artificial conflict (good girl vs bad girl) and make it important."

will you walk with me, from jennifer louden.

"How do we live within the means of our planet? ... Because community is the only way I see for us to create a better story."

through a watery mist

if you are looking for roses in portland, there is the loveliest sunken rose garden in peninsula park (ne portland). just lovely.

atlas & the pussycats

the other week, atlas got to walk around the pet store with a kitty. he was over the moon with excitement. the kitty (whose name was ralph - i want to adopt him just to change his name, he is not a ralph) would sniff him every so often on the nose. otherwise, he was busy exploring the store - atlas glued to his side or following nose to tail. occasionally, as in this photo, ralph would look at atlas as if to say, "you're still here? man, you really do love cats, you weird dog, you."

i am convinced that i could set atlas down in a desert and he would find a) food and b) a cat or cats. firmly convinced.

case in point. sort of. we were out for a walk the other evening in the little stand of pines near us. atlas stopped, sniffed, and would not move from his location. he just stared into the brambles and bushes. i didn't see anything so i kept trying to tell him that there was nothing there and we should just move on.

and then i saw it. there was a little grey kitten perched on a tree branch that was bent low to the ground. another grey kitten wandered out from below the tree and climbed up to join the first kitten. and then out came another grey kitten. and then the mother cat. and then a black kitten.

we stood there for almost an hour, watching the four kittens scramble up and down and around the tree, playing happily with one another. at one point, they knocked their mother off her perch; her feet dangled in the air until she finally managed to swing back up again.

the entire time - until i finally dragged him away - atlas' entire body was quivering with excitement. he was in anticipatory kitty heaven.

i really must learn not to argue with his nose.

30 days of shiva nata - checking in

have i ever mentioned that monday is one of my favorite days of the week? it's like a clean slate that comes around every seven days. i love it.

so. monday. shiva nata. let's do this. continuing on with my 30 days of (something).

if you are joining in and want to check in on this post, i would love love love to hear from you. regardless, know that i am happy that we're all in this together, and am cheering you on.

i'm not quite sure what to say about my shiva nata practice. it's going well. rather effortlessly, it seems. the one thing i am noticing - yet again - is how very much i prefer fast to slow. i tend to skip level three. i know it, but it doesn't feel as natural yet as some of the others so i can't move through it as quickly. my most favorite thing to do is to practice level one, two, or four fast enough that my legs cannot physically keep up with my arms. (hey! my legs are flailing instead of my arms!)

this is an old pattern, this thinking that fast is good and slow is bad, so i've been trying to do the occasional slow practice to play with it.

the thing that is coming up for me related to my theme of permission is that i need to spend more time being present. for me, that means more time sitting in meditation, more time journaling, more time on the yoga mat, more time in nature, more time with my camera, more time connecting with people.

i've gotten this message for a while now, but it feels so indulgent (and like the complete opposite of building my business - though the wiser part of me knows that is a thought that is not necessarily true) that i have been reluctant to listen. i think i am finally starting to understand how this will help me find my way to a deeper knowing of myself and how i can best be of service, so i am almost ready to listen.

we'll see what happens this week!

a sense of trust, volume 23

{my attempt to capture 52 photos that represent trust - my word for 2011}

there are so many qualities that seem related to trust. like vulnerability. a willingness to be vulnerable seems to require so much trust. trust in yourself. trust in others. trust that the joy and beauty is worth the pain.