if at first you don't succeed, paint again

I'm working on a painting.

(Well, that might be a stretch. I spent a weekend painting. Then, it sat for a month while I looked at it every day and sighed. Then, I spent one evening this weekend painting. Again followed by sighs.)

This one painting is teaching me about failure.

The lesson: Apparently knowing what I want can be as paralyzing as not knowing what I want - because I'm afraid I'll mess it up.

The reason for the daily sighs .. I was on my fourth or fifth re-do of the painting. I had a version that I finally loved. I was excited to hang it on my wall when it dried. I did one last little thing to finish it off and it ruined it. I painted over the entire canvas in order to re-do it yet again.

Except I was afraid to start - in case I messed it up again.

How does this apply to my life?

I have a job. A fine job. But it's not the thing I'm meant to be doing. For years, I was stuck because I didn't know what exactly it was I was supposed to be doing instead. But when I finally knew the answer, it didn't change anything. I was still stuck. Only now it wasn't because I didn't know what to do, it was because I knew what to do but I didn't want to mess it up.

So .. here's what I've learned from my painting.

Every time I "mess it up", I learn something new. Something that adds to the next version of the painting. Every version is better than the previous version.

Every time I "mess it up", I add a new layer to the painting. I love texture and each layer adds its own elements of interest to the mix.

Better to try and "mess it up" than not to try at all.

In the end, it's just a painting. It is supposed to be fun, but sometimes I take it much too seriously.

Now I just need to remember the lessons.

(By the way, I did re-do the painting after work. And yes, I messed it up again. Clearly this next version is going to be fantastic.)

Comments

[jen t]

i'd forgotten about this place.
just read through a bunch of posts...
sigh. happy sigh.

i am just wondering if ice cream counts as breakfast and if you know i think you are amazing for being so willing to mess it up at this point in the game, and to learn more in the process of you.

And 'Delightful' is THE word :)

[elizabeth @ the blue lotus]

ice cream absolutely counts as breakfast (says the girl who had lemon cake with strawberries for breakfast earlier this week)

thank you, jen, for that. i appreciate the support on the journey.

much love :)