noticing the shoulds

I've been thinking that it might be fun - ok, maybe not fun exactly, but illuminating - to notice the shoulds in my life. You know, the "I should do this," "I shouldn't think that," "I shouldn't want," "I should go here," "I should want," "I should be." Yes, those shoulds.

This post was actually going to be about my shoulds related to cooking, but another should came to mind while I was vacuuming last night.

It's common for people to apologize for not having a clean house. For me, it's the opposite. I feel like I should apologize for having a clean house. And I generally do. I don't come right out and say, "I'm sorry my house is clean." Instead, I say something self-deprecating like, "I know it looks clean but it's really not."

My house is generally clean. I don't really have things that would clutter it up. Atlas doesn't play with toys so they stay neatly in the basket. I have time to pick up after myself. I like to vacuum regularly to keep the dog hair at bay. And I am extremely neat by nature (Atlas has curbed my tendency towards the obsessive, but the tendency itself hasn't gone away entirely). Plus, I really don't like to clean, so I like to use visitors as a way to get myself to clean without feeling like it's such a dreary chore.

I was curious why I would feel like I should apologize for this. It turns out that I want people to be comfortable and feel at home, and I'm worried that they won't be able to really make themselves at home because it's so neat.

That was curious too. Why would I feel like they won't be able to make themselves at home just because it's neat?

Then, a memory popped into my head. The first time I had my own place, one of my sisters came to visit me. She mentioned that she had the constant urge to mess everything up because it was so insanely neat and it seemed like I was always fixing the pillows after she got off the couch. (Did I mention that I used to tend towards the extreme end of the neatness scale?) (Come to think of it, she spilled Diet Coke on my carpet during that visit; I wonder if she did that on purpose. Hee.) She was teasing me. I knew that. And I thought it was funny. But apparently that little thought - that being neat might make people feel uncomfortable - stayed with me.

Did I mention that I'm fascinated by the way my mind works?

Anyway, my plan is to just watch for the shoulds in my life. I don't plan to do anything else with them. I don't plan to try to figure out where they come from (this one just happened to unravel on its own, while I was finishing the vacuuming). I don't plan to (try to) change them. I just want to notice them - that's all.

If you want to join in on my experiment with me - and see where there are shoulds in your life - I'd love the company!

Comments

[Tara]

I use the arrival of visitors to make me clean my home too. :) I've had a ton of therapy and I know most of my life has been run by shoulds; I like to think I'm less bound to them now but there are always ones you don't even notice because they're so ingrained. It would be interesting to see what comes up in any given day.
(In fact right now I'm thinking about how I probably shouldn't leave so many comments because I'm about to start looking like a stalker! So much of what you say makes total sense to me I can't seem to help myself!)

[steph]

I think I'll join you in the noticing of shoulds--thanks for the invitation! :)

[Michelle Marlahan]

i have been noticing my shoulds as a practice too, but it usually ends up being "i *shouldn't* say should" or an unloving "stop / don't / can't" about shoulding. so thanks for the invitation to just notice. i should be nicer to those shoulds =) xo

[Toni]

Sounds like a good challenge, E. I should try to remember to notice the shoulds. (Remember, remember is my word for the year! Ha!!)

[elizabeth @ the blue lotus]

@Toni: You crack me up. Clearly your word of the year is inspiring lots of laughter!

@Michelle: Oh, I hear you there. :)

@Steph: I'm glad you're joining in!

@Tara: Please, comment away! Now, if you show up at my doorstep someday, then we might need to talk (except I do like company). ;) It feels like some of mine have left me over the years, but they are sometimes so hidden that I think it will be a good exercise.

[Rose]

I've been working on actively avoiding the phrase "but" as it basically treads on whatever came before it. Christine Kane also has a great article about language which might be of interest to you/your readers: www.christinekane.com/blog/watch-your-language/

Take Care,
~Rose

[elizabeth @ the blue lotus]

@Rose: that would be another good word. Will have to remember it. And thanks for the link! I love her blog - and the posts are always worth re-reading.