giving away my power

I have been trying to write this post all day. Well, off and on. Even when it makes sense in my head, the sense does not translate well to paper. As the very wise Briana says, sometimes epiphanies resist our attempts to translate them into something clear and concise.

As a matter of fact, I've sort of been working on this post for months. I have a draft version of it somewhere; it never felt fully formed enough to publish. But for some reason, it is a post that must be written. Even if not as fully or as clearly and concisely as I would wish.

So.

When I was growing up, I gave away most of my power. I don't know if the who or what is particularly important. Really, it was to pretty much everyone but me, though church and family were the primary ones. (I suspect this is true for many people.)

When I say that I gave away my power, I mean that things were vetted against whether they were acceptable to someone else. It didn't really matter what I felt or thought or wanted to do, except as it fit under the prevailing order.

After I graduated from college, I moved far away. And then I got my Atlas pup. The epiphany I had the other day was that I happily gave control of my life over to Atlas because the pattern was familiar and comfortable and felt safe.

(In hindsight, this was actually rather clever because he so wonderfully models the importance of listening to your self and knowing that you are worth listening to.)

The funny thing about this is that when I started writing this post months ago, I thought I had had my epiphany. I totally missed the Atlas piece of it.

Now, I know that the next step is to continue to learn how to slow down and listen to what feels right to me. I am learning to do this in some areas. I need to learn to do this everywhere.

This feels horribly scary. It feels like my own version of "the buck stops here". There are so many fears. The fear of visibility. The fear of rejection. The fear of isolation. All of these fears trying to keep me safe.

At the same time, I can see that I will become more fully myself in the process. So there is that.

Comments

[Josiane]

What a beautiful epiphany! I hear you on how scary that feels, and I get the fears. Would that help comfort them a little to know that I'm here for you with a warm blanket? I'm looking forward to seeing what unfolds as you step more fully into your own beautiful self.

[elizabeth @ retinal perspectives]

@Josiane: thanks so much; I appreciate the support!

[Leanne]

Oh, that discomfort of separating *them* from *yourself.* Anyone who has had to really search for themselves will probably attest that it's not painless. There will be fear and anxiety. But the result...the result is so worth it. That true happiness of knowing that you're living as YOU is worth all of the tears and heartache. Bless you, sister.

[Kim living life]

I did the very same thing and hadn't really thought too much of it until last year. Gave myself up to fit into a particular group and for a bit over 13 years wasn't really totally, authentically me. Now while I am finding that some of the new me isn't great, that's okay at least it is me, truly me warts and all, I can grow and change and even adapt to the bits of me I don't love at least it is truly me

[steph]

"Really, it was to pretty much everyone but me, though church and family were the primary ones. (I suspect this is true for many people.)"

Well, that was definitely the case for me, too.

Congratulations to you for seeing all of this. And for moving forward in spite of/through all the fears. Those are both awesome things. :)

[elizabeth @ retinal perspectives]

@steph: i always wish i were alone in this, even though i know we never are. thank you.

@kim: yes, that. i would rather be myself, warts and all. even the things i think aren't great are still me. thank you for sharing this - good inspiration to keep at it.

@leanne: your comment rings of hope. loved reading it.