maybe it's a spiral

One of my personal missions is to remind people that they are enough. It's essentially the message behind most everything I do, even if I don't say it directly.

At the same time, I find it hard to write about my own journey toward enough-ness. I don't yet know how to write about things while I am in them and, with this particular thing, it mostly feels like I am deep underwater with no sky in sight. (They say you teach what you need to learn.)

I suspect that it is related to my struggle with worth - and to my deep core belief that I am worthless. This belief comes up again and again. Each time, I think it is dissolving. And then it comes back. It feels like an endless struggle and is immensely frustrating.

It occurred to me earlier that maybe it's really a spiral. Maybe there are layers and layers to this belief. Maybe even though the epiphany itself (I believe that I'm worthless) is the same, that doesn't mean that I'm not actually moving and making progress. I don't know for sure that this is true, but I am choosing to believe it because it feels better than not believing it.

Since I can't really write about my own journey to enough-ness just yet, I thought I'd share something that popped into my head late Monday night. As it turns out, writing about something while I am in the thick of it - even if not directly - is surprisingly therapeutic. And that, I think, is worth mentioning.

the mean reds

i got nattering gnats that pinch and pry
i got parched sunbeams that drink me dry

i got restless train tracks that go nowhere
i got lily-white preachers that smell like a snare

i hear it come and it's always the same
i shake my fist at the pouring rain

i got crosses, canyons, desert, and lace
i got maple winters burnt by fate

i got vulture voices hollow and lack
i got drowned old saints in a flaming pack

i hear it come and it's always the same
i shake my fist at the pouring rain

i got selfish bumblebees buried alive
i got chains of worth stretched nine to five

i got crisscrossed pockets, five soon late
i got hidden fog that jumps its gate

i hear it come and it's always the same
i shake my fist at the pouring rain

i hear it come but it's never the same
i stretch my hands out toward the rain

Comments

[steph]

I hear your frustration. Very often, I share a similar frustration.

Like you, though, I do choose to believe that it's a spiral--in fact, that in some ways all of life is an endless spiral.

Thank you for sharing the mean reds. It really speaks to me, touches my heart, softens my outlook. Good things. :)

[elizabeth @ retinal perspectives]

@Steph: I'm sure it is. It's just harder to remember when you're in it (and since we're probably never out of it ..

Oh. I'm glad it spoke to you. Good things, indeed.

[Julie M.]

Very touching. I love the writing, how powerfully it evokes emotion even though you're not referring to a specific topic. Beautiful.

I struggle with self-worth as well. I guess the place I'm at right now is that I have to tell myself that even if I don't feel worthy of something (usually love or praise), it's okay. I'm not wrong to accept it. :)

[jen t]

I'm surprised to read that you don't feel that you can share your journey to enough-ness. Just touching on it here *is* sharing. It is such a private experience, or inner vision and the connections we make, the *reasons* for how we regard the me, but even mentioning as you have here, well, it helps me to feel connected in the struggle.

powerful words in the mean reds.
thank you!

[jen t]

...*our* inner vision.

[Ann Bimberg]

i look for self-worth
in others
who can never give it
without conditions
on how i live

[elizabeth @ retinal perspectives]

@ann: yes. this. i do this too. and it does always come with conditions - i can be worthy *if* .. {your comment is a poem, you know, and a very moving one.}

@jen: i guess it's not that i feel i can't share, it's that i don't know how to talk about it in a way that's deeper than just touching on it. but you're right - it is so private and personal that maybe that's enough. thank you!

@julie: thank you for sharing where you're at. i can relate. and that would be a good practice - telling myself that it's ok to accept things even if i don't feel worthy of them.

[Jennifer]

I recognize this struggle with worthiness in myself and the idea of it consisting of layers appeals to me. It is such a deeply etched belief and perhaps can only be smoothed over bit by bit. Sometimes I forget and think the "epiphany " itself should be enough to change me when, in fact, it seems to be merely the impetus for real change.