retinal perspectives

more things I've learned from the pup

While on a walk today, I was thinking I should add to my list of things I've learned from the pup. So, without further ado, here are a few more items.

The importance of napping.

It's good for the body and soul.

If you are interested in something, pursue it.

It doesn't matter whether other people think you should be interested in it or not. They're not you.

If you can't get to something directly, don't give up.

Try something else. Approach from the side. Circle around. Take a few steps back. Just try something. Anything.

Be curious.

But at the same time, be cautious when necessary. It's ok to approach things slowly.

If the weather is awful, why force yourself to go outside.

Being outside can be fun. Don't turn it into a should.

what I like

Ever since I read The Happiness Project, I've been thinking about what I actually like and what actually makes me happy, versus what I think I like and what I think makes me happy.

For example, whenever I write a list of dreams, one of the things I list is that I want to live in Italy for three months every year. (No doubt inspired by an intense love for Italy as well as years of reading Under the Tuscan Sun.) It's a lovely dream.

Except I have a dog. And I can't imagine not having a dog. And I can no more imagine flying my dog to Italy than I can leaving him (or her) behind. In other words, my dream wouldn't really make me happy.

I do, however, like longer vacations. Three months is definitely too long. Six weeks was too long. But maybe one month. Or two weeks. I also like the idea of a home-away-from-home-with-dog within driving distance. Those things would make me happy.

On a similar note, I like the idea of a truly mobile business. That was part of the appeal of self-employment. I like the idea of traveling around and working from wherever I am. The teeny tiny thought that crept into my mind when I decided to open an etsy shop was, "Oh no! Now I'm not mobile!"

Except I don't want to be mobile. I like my home. I like being home. I don't want to move away from Oregon. And as we've already discovered, I don't want to travel and travel and travel. This thing that I think would make me happy would make me very unhappy.

On the other hand, I like sending presents to people. I like packaging them. I like having a stash of supplies that I can use to package them. I like sending them out. It all makes me very happy.

On a smaller scale .. Hmmmm. For some reason, I'm drawing a blank on smaller scale examples right now. That aside, I am finding the act of thinking about this and noticing it to be awfully helpful in making sure that I spend more time doing the things that really do make me happy and less time wishing I would do the things that I only think will make me happy.

things I've learned from the pup

Almost seven years ago, I brought home a cute little puppy. (Seven years! Seriously. Where does the time go.) Truth be told, I was totally unprepared. I had done some pet-sitting, but I was totally unprepared for the reality of day-in day-out life with a clever and active puppy in the house. If I had known what I was in for, I don't know if I could have done it. And yet, I would do it again in a heartbeat, and I will do it again in a heartbeat when Atlas leaves me someday.

When I brought Atlas home, I knew that I would love and adore him forever, and that he would bring fun and laughter and furry companionship into my life. What I did not know is that he would teach me so much about living and being. It never would have occurred to me that a dog could be a fabulous teacher, if I were willing to slow down and listen.

I thought I'd slowly write down the things that I have learned from watching the pup over the years, in case they are of use to others. Here are a few of them.

Whatever you are doing, do it to the fullest.

If you are smelling, smell. If you are eating, eat. If you are napping, nap. If you are wriggling on the grass, wriggle on the grass. If you are chewing a stick, chew a stick. If you are watching a cat, watch a cat.

If you want something, ask for it.

If you ask for it, you just might get it. And if you don't get it, that's fine too. If you really want it, you can ask someone else or ask again later.

Life is an adventure.

Even a walk to the garbage bin can be exciting. You never know what you'll come across. And even if everything is exactly the same, it's an entirely new moment.

When the weather is hot, take the time to sit on the grass in the shade.

It's cooler there. And it's nice to just be for a while.

You are worthy, for no other reason than because you exist. And exactly how you are, is exactly perfect.

Somehow, dogs know this instinctively.

I hope the pup sticks around for another seven years. Maybe by that time I will have fully absorbed all his lessons and be able to apply them.

is it right for you

My goal in life was supposed to be to get married and have kids.

But it wasn't my goal.

First of all, I didn't want kids. Still don't. Don't get me wrong, I love kids - they're just not for me.

Second of all, I hated myself. I thought I was unlovable and that no one would want to marry me. The idea that this impossible thing was supposed to be my main goal in life made me feel even worse. And as a bonus, I thought there was something wrong with me for not wanting this thing that I was supposed to want and that everyone else around me seemed to want.

(Anyway, it's hard for me to consider marriage and kids a goal. To me, a goal is something you put on a list and check off when you're done. Like "Visit Paris". Or "Cruise down the Nile". Or "Speak a foreign language fluently". Or "Try blood pudding". Or "Get married and have babies". Yeah, see .. it just isn't the same.)

What I am beginning to realize is that we all have our own path, and that what is right for someone else may not (and likely is not) right for another.

If you have goals or expectations that feel like "shoulds" to you, I hope you can consider that maybe it's not you that's wrong, maybe they're just not the right fit.

dear sweet gremlins

It is funny how you can be freaked out and excited at the same time. Next spring, I plan to officially start practicing reiki. Exciting. Yay. But at the same time, I am totally freaked out. (Which seems odd in one sense because it's not like I don't practice it now .. but I guess I consider that I'm doing it for fun. Not that it won't be fun next spring. But .. you know ..)

Of course, the big scary gremlins have reared their heads at this idea. They like to tell me constantly why this is a bad idea and why I cannot do this.

One of their biggest reasons goes something like this: "What makes you think you can practice reiki. You can't even explain it properly. You don't really understand energy. You can't see energy. You don't believe in past lives. You don't get messages to pass on to the clients. You only started believing that there was such a thing as energy last year. I mean, come on. Look at everyone else who does energy work. How on earth can you think that you can practice it. Why would anyone see you instead of them."

On the one hand .. the gremlins kind of have a point. Sure, I can give you the standard explanation. But if you ask me questions beyond that - about reiki or energy in general - I won't really be able to answer them. Additionally, since I am still so confused about how all this stuff really works, giving you the standard explanation feels hollow and false. It's not that I don't believe it exactly, it's just that I need more myself.

On the other hand, as I was struggling with all this, something else occurred to me.

I was fascinated by energy work for a while but had a hard time convincing myself to make an appointment to try it. I couldn't find a place where I would have felt comfortable going in and saying, "You know, I don't really believe in energy .. but I am curious and willing to see what happens - even though I don't really expect anything will." It's not to say I would have said that anyway - but I just wanted to find a place where I felt like I could ask questions, and be skeptical, and would be comfortable doing so. But no one really had a blog where I could get to know them, and their websites so matter-of-fact-ly stated that energy was great and wonderful and the-cure-for-everything and healing and yay, that it made me think I wasn't their right people.

Then there was the first reiki class. I walked in, and they were talking about spirit guides. I had an immediate flashback to my first foray into the computer science lab in college (my major). I walked in and they were all talking about computers and building computers and Star Trek. My first thought was, "Oh no. What have I done. This is not the right place for me. I don't belong here." That was exactly how I felt during class - like I had stepped into an alternate universe and didn't belong. We learned about the history of reiki and energy and chakras. Good heavens. I've spent 15 years using logic and proof and data. You can imagine how my mind reacted. I kept saying I had no questions, but what I really wanted to ask was, "But what if I don't believe much of this. Is that ok? Is it normal? Is it going to work for me anyway?"

Now, I'll have the occasional session where they'll tell me something from a past life. And I'll nod. While inwardly expressing skepticism. Or I'll tell them that I don't really believe in past lives.

So .. what occurred to me is that what I was looking for back then was someone like me. I know that there are people out there who are like me in that they're interested in energy work but they may not ever try it because it seems so inaccessible. I want to offer it in a way that is accessible. Whether that means being honest and saying that I don't understand it - but here's what it's done for me. Or explaining it in a way that doesn't make their eyes glaze over or their woo-woo hackles go up. Or remembering what it was like to wonder why nothing was happening and not ever telling them, "It is always working for your highest and greatest good - whether you notice it or not." (Because while that might be true, it is decidedly not useful.) Or being willing to offer a refund.

Truthfully, I don't know what it means at the moment to practice it in my own way for those people. But what I am trying to explain to the gremlins is that even if I'm not an expert (as I define expert in energy work), there still may be a place for me to do this thing that I love. Because in the end, none of the stuff I'm worried about really matters. Deep down, I know I can practice reiki. I can't explain it - but I can feel the energy in my hands. I know something is happening. I see results - in myself and others. My heart is in it. And in the end, that is what really matters. (The gremlins are not convinced - but we continue to discuss.)

courage doesn't always roar

A friend and I were talking about how oftentimes, unless you suck it up, get over it, or what have you, you are seen as weak.

I actually think it takes a great deal of courage to express your vulnerability.

We all have a strong, instinctual need for connection and love. When we admit that we are vulnerable, that we are scared or hurt or lonely, that we need something (or someone), we are taking a piece of our self that we tend to keep hidden and putting it out there in the open for people to see. In doing so, we are risking that - at best - others will not understand and - at worst - they will turn away from us or use that vulnerability to hurt us. It takes strength and courage to express our vulnerability anyway.

So when you do, give yourself credit. You deserve it.

who you are

"Everything that you want to change about yourself,

All the parts of yourself that you keep secret,

It's your power.

It's who you are."

- Charles S. Dutton as Alvin Dowd in Fame

Every time I watch the trailer for Fame (yes, I've seen it a few times - I can't wait to see the movie), when I hear this quote, it hits me like a ton of bricks and I have to gulp back tears.

Because oh - so very badly - do I want to become the person who finally really believes that to be true.

you - in one word

If you could pick any one word that people would use to describe you, what would it be?

Me - I'd pick delightful.

(Well, I'd actually pick YOU, but that only works if someone is talking to you. "You're so YOU." Perfect. "She's so HER." Yeah, not so great. Also, YOU isn't really a quality. But hey - in this world where I get to pick how people see me, I'm pretty sure I get to make up qualities too.)

Why delightful? It's a word that makes me think of joy, of pleasure, and also of pleasant surprise - like something was surprisingly more pleasurable than I even anticipated. I would love for that to be the impression I left behind me.

Besides, delightful is a delightful word. We really don't use it enough.

So, what word would you pick?!

home is where the heart is

When I crossed the border during my move to Oregon, I felt like I had come home. Odd, perhaps, to be so sure that you belong someplace you have never been, but that's how I felt.

The longer I live here, the more sure I am that this is home. Oh, I could (and perhaps will) be happy living in lots of other places - but part of my heart will live here forever.

It was a jolt of recognition then to see the following lines in Under a Tuscan Sun (a good book to read when it's hot): "In my mind, however, it's not just to the first house, but to the first concept of self .. That pure surge of pleasure, flash flood of joy - to find the electric jolt of the outside place that corresponds to the inside - that's it."

Perhaps that explains the sense of homecoming. Perhaps at some level, I knew that I had found the place that felt like me - the place where I would finally find myself again.

i may be wrong

Everything I write about comes from my own experience - the things I learn along my life journey and find to be true for me. As with everything I say, I suggest you listen to it, decide whether it's true for you, and discard anything that is not.

Because here's the thing .. I may be wrong. I don't pretend to have all the right answers for myself. And I certainly don't have all the right answers for you.

There will always be people in your life who believe they know what's best for you. How you should think. How you should feel. How you should behave. What you should do. Where you should go to school. What you should believe. What kind of career you should have. Who you should be friends with. Where you should go to church. Whether you can get a tattoo, dye your hair, go to the movies, or wear earrings. How you should cook potatoes. The list is never-ending.

These people may be your family. They may be your friends. They may be religious leaders. They may be politicians. They may be in the media. They may be strangers. They may be your third cousin twice removed on your father's side. They may be your grandmother's best friend since childhood. They may be a lurker on your blog.

Most of them mean well. Really, they do. But in the end, there is only one person who knows what is right for you.

YOU.

It is that small, quiet voice deep within.

I urge you to listen to it. Because not listening to it, and trying instead to please all of those people who think they know best (and you may notice that they never all agree), will do more harm in the long run than you can realize.

But .. there is one thing about which I am absolutely certain I am right. In the summer, ice cream or gelato definitely counts as dinner. And you can quote me on that.