retinal perspectives

learning to listen

I was thinking about all of the things I've tried in the past couple of years of working on my stuff (also known as learning more about myself and why I do the things I do).

The list is long - and goes from seemingly ordinary (like writing in a journal) to seemingly out-of-the-ordinary (like soul retrieval).

But really, it all boils down to one thing: learning to listen to myself. Not my mind - that was the only thing I ever used to listen to - but my body and my inner wisdom.

And somehow the listening slowly changed everything.

maybe creating a new story is as simple as that

I've been thinking about stories.

About how everything is a story.

About how every thought is really its own story.

About how logic doesn't necessarily matter because if it feels true to you, it is true for you.

About how beliefs are really just stories that we've been told or have told ourselves for so long that we don't even think to question them anymore.

This got me thinking about one of my stories - the story that says I'm not enough.

And it got me thinking that maybe everything doesn't have to be so hard and painful. (Maybe that's a story too.) Maybe changing my story is as simple as changing my story.

So, as of this moment, I have a new story. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I have worth and value for no other reason than that I exist.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Care to join me?

maybe start with noticing

I know it can be scary to think about beginning to give yourself what you need and want.

It's scary in general. (Most of us learned that giving to our own self is not okay.) It's scary because it seems so huge. (We're sure that the list is endless and the items on the list are huge and impossible.) It's scary because it feels endless. (We're sure that once we start giving, it'll go on forever and we won't be able to do anything else.)

My current idea-in-practice is that even just paying attention and noticing what you need is enough to begin to change things. Sometimes it feels easier and safer to commit to paying attention than it is to commit to taking action.

I mentioned earlier this week that I needed rest. What I didn't mention is that I have been lacking in focus and ideas for work lately and was getting really frustrated. Even so, I decided yesterday that I would really try to commit to taking care of myself. Today, my motivation and ideas are back again. And I remembered something that showed up in my journal after a Shiva Nata session: "Sweetie, you need rest. I know you are wanting to write something business-y here but it's not going to happen. You and your business need rest."

I didn't get any extra rest. But I did notice last night when I grew tired, even though I still felt unable to go to bed until I did a bit more work. Hence my new idea-in-practice, because clearly the noticing was useful in and of itself.

It's wonderful to feel heard and understood. It occurs to me that paying attention and noticing what you need, even if you can't give it to yourself just yet, is actually a way of doing just that.

I hold board meetings in the woods

Back when I was thinking about working for myself, I was really looking forward to the ability to do more hiking during the week. I enjoy it. The pup enjoys it. It's good for both of us. And I prefer to hike mid-morning or mid-afternoon, when there are less people on the trails.

At the same time, I was worried about the very real possibility that I wouldn't actually do more hiking. I was worried that I would feel too guilty leaving "work" to go on a hike. I was worried that it would feel like a luxury item - something that needed to wait until my business was doing very well.

Except it's really not a luxury item. I've been walking and/or trail running and/or hiking for years. The thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that it is the time that clears my head, that gives me my best ideas, that takes rambling incoherent jumbled thoughts and turns them into something coherent. (If you could see inside my head, you would realize that this is not an easy feat.) Besides all that, it's easier to work when I know that the pup is well exercised.

Then, I had an idea. It was clear that Atlas would be the Vice President/Creative Director of my business. And it seemed obvious that the President and Vice President should meet regularly. So I decided that I would refer to our hikes as board meetings. That way, they might seem less like a luxury item and more like a necessary part of doing business.

As it turned out, the idea worked fabulously. We've been hiking all summer. And the hikes have indeed been useful.

I probably don't need to think of hikes as board meetings anymore because when I'm waffling, I can say, "You did this on the trail .. and this .. and this .." and I'm sold. But it is such a fun metaphor. (Though I will say that my Vice President does not seem very involved in the discussions. At least not as far as I can tell.)

it's time for tea

I like to cook. Not all the time. Not everything. But when I am in a cooking mood, I thoroughly enjoy it.

I also like baking. But even when I am in a baking mood, I don't bake. I find a recipe and get all excited and sometimes even buy the ingredients and then something comes up. (The exception being the odd batch of cookies and the occasional holiday dessert and two attempts to make bread.) I think about baking. I bookmark recipes to try someday. But I never actually try them.

I figured it was one of those things where I liked the idea of me as a baker more than I liked the act of baking. Or that I'd bake (more) if I had one of those lovely KitchenAid stand mixers. (Sadly, I can't test this theory because they stopped making the shade of orange I wanted.) Or that it was because I didn't always need or want a whole batch of something. Or that it's a lot of work. Or that if I really wanted a dessert, why would I bake something when I can just buy a slice of something from the bakery.

As it turns out, I was wrong on all counts. The other day, I realized that the reason I don't bake is because baking feels special. Not the act of baking itself, but the results of baking. So, unless it's a special occasion - an occasion that involves other people - I can't bake. I can't bake because I don't think that (on my own) I'm special enough to bake for.

This seems rather sad. This also seems like something - given that I'm working on showing love and kindness to myself - I can experiment with. So, I am playing with the idea of instituting tea-time. I'd like to bake something delicious, and then take the time to enjoy whatever it is in the middle of the afternoon. Doesn't that sound lovely?! I'll let you know how it goes.

In the meantime, I'd love to hear if this seems at all familiar. Particularly the general idea of not doing something you enjoy or think you'd enjoy - maybe for other reasons other than what you tell yourself.

saying goodbye is sad, even when it's happy

Today, I said goodbye to my career of ten years. I knew this day was coming, so I was trying to work on my Reiki services page. For months, mind you. I wanted to post the page before I left my job. It was one of those things that seemed like something you should do. You know, "You should probably hang your shingle out before you say goodbye to your primary source of income."

What did I get done during all those months? Nothing. Well, that's not entirely true. One day, I wrote a few sentences. A few months later, I wrote another few sentences. So yeah, pretty much nothing.

Last week, this started to stress me out. I wanted to know why the words wouldn't come. One day, I set an intention for my Shiva Nata practice - for clarity around the page. After I practiced, I did a bit of journaling.

The question: Why can't I finish my services page?

The answer: you'll really be putting yourself out there; it's hard to take that final step; the other steps were easier.

Ok, that was sort of helpful. I went about my day and forgot about it. But later, when I was taking the pup for his after-dinner walk, I started to cry. Poor pup; his walk was cut short. By the time I got home, I was really crying, and I had no idea why.

I decided to try this thing that I had heard about where you write a question with one hand and answer it with the other - supposedly it accesses a different part of your brain.

The question: Why am I so sad?

The answer: Oh, sweetie. You're grieving a loss. The loss of the life you had. Even if it wasn't right, it was familiar and comfortable. Putting up the services page is like stepping over the threshold. You need to grieve that loss. {By the way, I would like to point out two things here. First, it took forever to write this with my left hand. Second, I called myself sweetie! This makes me so happy. I can see how far I've come.}

Oh.

Ohhhh.

I let the sadness run its course. I said goodbye. A few days later, I wrote a draft of the page. It's still not posted, but I realized that I'm not really in a hurry, and I don't want to post it just because I feel like I "should" do so.

All in all, this was a good reminder to me that a change involves both a goodbye and a hello, and that even if I think I'm happy to make the change, there are probably still elements of the goodbye that are sad.

clearing the clutter

For the longest time, I wanted to clean out my email account. There was mail to be filed, mail to be answered, mail to be deleted. Every time I tried to get a handle on it, it felt like the problem got worse instead of better. It was immensely frustrating.

One Saturday, I attended an Office Spa Day. During the event, I figured out my most bothersome organizational challenge and cleaned and cleared out two closets - including 12 months worth of shredding - in the process. I was so pleased. Later that weekend, without even thinking about it, I sat down at the computer and cleaned out my entire inbox. Somehow the physical clearing prompted another clearing.

Lately, my mind has been all a jumble. It felt like things were piling up. I tried to think of a blog post. I had nothing. There were lots of pieces of things, but it all felt useless. I tried to work on something for my business. I had nothing. It felt like my body was following my mind and growing sluggish and inactive.

It occurred to me that maybe I could look around and see if anything was piling up physically. It certainly couldn't hurt, right? I found my purse - which turned out to be full of receipts. (I hate when this happens, there is nothing I dislike more than a cluttered purse.) I found my laundry basket - which has been waiting for me to do a load of laundry for three weeks now. (I kept meaning to do one, but then would get sidetracked.) Last evening, I spent an hour cleaning out my purse and doing the laundry. Interestingly enough, my mind feels much more clear.

So who knows .. there may be something to this new idea of mine. At the very least, it may provide an incentive to clean more often.

random acts of healing

This is totally not the post I was going to write tonight, and it is not exactly related to reiki, but the memory popped into my head so I want to write it down.

Over the past couple of years, I've experienced a great deal of (right) shoulder pain. It comes and goes, but when it comes, it really really hurts. I can bear it for a while, but eventually I have to limit my time on the computer, which is when I notice the pain the most.

I still don't really know what causes it. (Truthfully, I haven't put a great deal of effort into understanding it, for which I apologize to my dear and loyal body.) But the why isn't really important for the purpose of this story.

One day, the pain was especially bad. I didn't know what to do. It occurred to me that I had heard people talking about asking the angels to help with healing. I decided to try it. I sat down on my meditation cushion and thought, "Dear angels, please send me healing for the pain in my right shoulder." A few seconds later, I felt this warm intense buzzing feeling go into my shoulder and down my right arm to my elbow. Almost immediately, the pain was completely gone. It was amazing.

Naturally, I've tried asking the angels for healing since, and never really noticed anything. But still .. this one time, something happened. Of course, it could be coincidence. Or random. Or anything. But it's yet another experience that reminds me that sometimes it's better to try something myself and see what my experience is, then to dismiss it outright because it seems wacky or silly or other people dismiss it.

{Ok, now that I'm reading this, I am cracking up at myself. I mean, I am in pain and don't know what to do, so I ask the angels for help? Instead of, you know, visiting a chiropractor. Or something logical. Like a normal person. Clearly my brain works in mysterious ways.}

b is for books - and vitamins

A while back, I was having the most painful leg cramps. They were horrid. Whenever a spasm hit, I basically had to stop whatever I was doing, grab that leg and try to massage or move it about to ease the pain, and moan "oh, oh, oh .." That was all I could do. All of which is fine if one is at home. Not so fine if one is out - in public.

I had a vague recollection of reading somewhere that leg cramps could be caused by a vitamin deficiency, but I couldn't get motivated enough to investigate. Well .. I was motivated enough when the pain hit - except otherwise occupied. When the pain was gone, so was the motivation. (Because pulling a book out of the bookshelf and thumbing through the index is awfully hard work.)

When I did look it up, it noted that leg cramps could be a symptom of a vitamin B6 deficiency. Conveniently enough, I had a bottle of B6 gathering dust in the cupboard. I took a few pills that evening. The next day, no cramps. For a week, no cramps. I just realized that I am starting to get twinges again. Guess what .. I haven't been taking my vitamins.

Sometimes these things happen and I wonder .. is this all in my mind? I mean, would a half day's worth of B6 really make a difference? But then I realize that I really don't care. Whatever works, I say!

Oh! I did have another cool thing that happened though. I was lying in bed one night when a spasm started. I was thinking about yoga at the time and decided to try to breathe into the pain. I breathed .. and just let the spasm be instead of consciously resisting it .. and I did not feel that same urge to do whatever it took to make the spasm stop. The sensation in my leg was still the same, but it was like I only noticed the sensation itself, not the pain that typically went with it. It was fascinating. But then I started taking the vitamins so I was unable to investigate further. Next time.

seeing energy

This past spring, I went through a 3-month program with a wellness coach on building wellness in all areas of my life. (Loved it, by the way, and would absolutely recommend it - feel free to email me if you are interested and want to hear more.) During the week on intuition, she mentioned that I could learn to read or see people's energy. One of my assignments was to occasionally hang out somewhere like a coffee shop, look at someone, close my eyes, and see if I noticed anything.

I did this, and still do it, a lot. I don't go anywhere in particular; I just look at someone or something, close my eyes, and see if I notice anything. But I don't. I just see black. (Or grey/white .. whatever color it is that you see when you close your eyes.) This is very frustrating to me - especially since it seems like most people who work with energy are able to see it. (Though to be fair, I wasn't really sure that I could learn to see it. I mean, it's invisible - one must be realistic.)

There were, however, a few exceptions. A few times, I tried this on a stray cat in the neighborhood while I was waiting for Atlas to try to make friends with it. I looked at the cat, closed my eyes, and I saw a white silhouette of the cat in my eye. The thing was that I had no idea if this even meant anything. Was I seeing the energy? Was I just imagining the cat? Who knew .. like I said, very frustrating.

I was at a retreat this past week. The love and warmth and acceptance was palpable throughout. It was quite lovely. On the last day, we sat in a circle after finishing a yoga class. When we closed our eyes to meditate, I saw a circle of warm golden glowing silhouettes - the silhouettes of everyone seated in that circle. I wasn't looking for it. It was just there. It was amazing. I wanted to clap with glee. (Except I didn't, because we were supposed to be meditating.)

I know I'll "try" it again .. and become frustrated when nothing happens .. but now I have this reminder of what can happen when I'm not trying and just allow things to happen as they will happen. And I will never forget the beauty of seeing love and light radiating from a group of fantastic women.