Today, I said goodbye to my career of ten years. I knew this day was coming, so I was trying to work on my Reiki services page. For months, mind you. I wanted to post the page before I left my job. It was one of those things that seemed like something you should do. You know, "You should probably hang your shingle out before you say goodbye to your primary source of income."
What did I get done during all those months? Nothing. Well, that's not entirely true. One day, I wrote a few sentences. A few months later, I wrote another few sentences. So yeah, pretty much nothing.
Last week, this started to stress me out. I wanted to know why the words wouldn't come. One day, I set an intention for my Shiva Nata practice - for clarity around the page. After I practiced, I did a bit of journaling.
The question: Why can't I finish my services page?
The answer: you'll really be putting yourself out there; it's hard to take that final step; the other steps were easier.
Ok, that was sort of helpful. I went about my day and forgot about it. But later, when I was taking the pup for his after-dinner walk, I started to cry. Poor pup; his walk was cut short. By the time I got home, I was really crying, and I had no idea why.
I decided to try this thing that I had heard about where you write a question with one hand and answer it with the other - supposedly it accesses a different part of your brain.
The question: Why am I so sad?
The answer: Oh, sweetie. You're grieving a loss. The loss of the life you had. Even if it wasn't right, it was familiar and comfortable. Putting up the services page is like stepping over the threshold. You need to grieve that loss. {By the way, I would like to point out two things here. First, it took forever to write this with my left hand. Second, I called myself sweetie! This makes me so happy. I can see how far I've come.}
Oh.
Ohhhh.
I let the sadness run its course. I said goodbye. A few days later, I wrote a draft of the page. It's still not posted, but I realized that I'm not really in a hurry, and I don't want to post it just because I feel like I "should" do so.
All in all, this was a good reminder to me that a change involves both a goodbye and a hello, and that even if I think I'm happy to make the change, there are probably still elements of the goodbye that are sad.