retinal perspectives

living in the moment

I would like to live in the moment. In theory, it seems awfully easy to do (I mean, hello, we're in it) but it is so hard to practice.

For example: I have a dog. I adore him. He's almost 7, so is middle-aged, but is in fantastic health. Well, he has a heart issue, but so far he appears to be compensating.

I'll be doing something random and, all of a sudden, I think about the fact that he is going to die someday. Then I think about how heartbroken I am going to be when that day comes. Then I get teary at the very idea of it. Then I think about all the things that he won't be there for. Then I wonder if I am going to be able to get another weimaraner. And on and on.

At the same time, part of me can see what a waste it is to spend time mourning his eventual loss before it actually happens, instead of actually enjoying his company while he is here. (And I'm pretty sure it's not something that I need to practice.)

Maybe I'm making some progress, since there is a part of me that - in those moments - recognizes that I'm caught up in a story and am not living in the moment at all. So .. I continue to practice.

How about you? Is living in the moment something you practice? Do you have any tips on how to stay present?

apparently I was wrong

Do you remember how I wrote a whole post about how it kind of sort of seemed like I had figured out intuitive eating but was quite possibly waiting for my body to talk to me and tell me what it wanted to eat. And do you remember how I said that I listened to my body and ate when I was hungry.

Ha. I was so wrong.

I occasionally wonder why I am not losing this extra weight more quickly when I am doing all this emotional healing and listening to my body and .. So, when the lovely Briana of Blisscovery Wellness started offering coaching sessions focused on helping you reach your ideal weight and stay there, I decided to sign up. After all, I've been doing all this figuring-me-out on my own. I thought I could use an outside perspective.

As I was filling out her questionnaire, I realized that I don't listen to my hunger cues at all. Well, that's not true. I listen to them, and then I ignore them completely. They come at inconvenient times. I'm in the middle of something and don't want to stop. I'm at work and it's after-breakfast but before-lunch in the cafe and I don't have food with me and the vending machine is horrid. I'm running out the door. I'm on an errand. It just feels like a nuisance to find something to eat. On and on and on. When I do eat, the amount that I need to eat in order to no longer feel hungry is so little (crazy-little, it feels like) that I eat more. And then I'm full.

Then, as I was talking to her during our first session, we realized that I pretty much consider my body to be a nuisance. It's rather like my mind is the parent and my body is the very annoying child that does not know what is best for it.

Aieeeee. If I were my body, I would be totally annoyed at me. First, I spend years punishing it for having a scar that was totally not its fault. Plus, I spend years not appreciating the miraculous job of healing that it did to create said scar. Additionally, I completely ignore it when it talks to me and treat it like it doesn't know what it's doing. Seriously. If I were my body, I wouldn't trust me at all. (As a matter of fact, I would be bitter and resentful. Good thing I am not my body.)

So .. I have handed over the reins. I am doing my best to listen to my body and eat whenever it's hungry and however much it wants. At least, I think I am.

let them eat cookies

A couple of years ago, I decided to try to re-learn the concept of intuitive eating. This came after too many years of not listening to my body at all when it came to nourishment. (Basically, I alternated between a mean drill sergeant and a very hungry animal. Moderation - in anything - is not really my thing. Clearly.)

If you ask me whether I've re-learned the concept, I would answer no. But the thing is: I don't diet or restrict anymore; I eat what I want, when I want; I eat when I'm hungry or I know that I'm not hungry and I've decided to eat anyway; I don't have good foods and bad foods; I know what affect foods have on me; my weight generally stays the same or decreases .. I think those are all concepts that intuitive eating teaches. So it would seem that I have re-learned it. But yet I don't feel like I have.

I think the problem is that I think about it too much. (I do not think that intuition is supposed to involve thinking.) The problem is - when I think about it - the whole intuitive eating thing seems so complicated to me. I mean, how on earth do I know what my body is telling me to eat.

For example, I just went downstairs and saw the tin of freshly baked pumpkin raisin cookies. I wanted one. But was that my body telling me it wanted a cookie? Or my mind?

And then there was breakfast. I had a small chunk of challah bread with butter because I saw the bread in the frig and it looked good. (Also, it needs to be eaten within the next week or so.) But was it really my body telling me it wanted challah bread?

This makes my head hurt. Somehow - even though I know this is not possible - I wonder if I am waiting for my body to actually talk to me. Like, literally speak. Out loud. Like I said - head hurting.

So .. I have given myself permission. Permission to not know whether I am using the concept or not. Permission to be confused. Permission to eat what I want when I want anyway.

Which is why I must say good night, because there is a tin of freshly baked pumpkin raisin cookies downstairs that is calling my name.

get out of my head

Do you ever wish you could get out of your head? Go back to the days when you were blissfully self-unaware?

I go through these periods. There is generally whining involved. (Sometimes to me. Sometimes to others.) There is the occasional pillow punch (which then invokes guilt because pillow punching makes the four-legged housemate nervous and sad). There is much self-pity. "Why oh why can't I just be normal and not think about these things and want to work on them!" and "Why oh why is this all so hard!" and "Aren't I done yet?!" and "I'd like to turn the reiki off now please!" There might be snacking, if I actually have snacks on hand. (I am sorely lacking today. Well, I have orange creamsicle colored watermelon - which is lovely in itself but it's not great self-pity food.) There is weeping and gnashing of teeth. (Ok, not really, but I like the phrase.)

Oh, I know it will pass. But sometimes it seems like it was all so much simpler back then. (I say back then like it was ages ago. Ummmm .. it was last fall.) When I could eat my pancakes for breakfast and be happy - and not notice that my stomach felt like a lead weight and I was miserable afterwards so perhaps I should consider not eating wheat in the mornings. Or when I could feel a sharp pain in my heart and think it must be gas - instead of knowing that something is probably coming up to be addressed. Or when I could just get annoyed - instead of getting annoyed and then being interested that I'm annoyed and wondering what "my stuff" is that's making me annoyed.

Oh the other hand, back then I couldn't whine on the internet. It really is the little things.

if at first you don't succeed, paint again

I'm working on a painting.

(Well, that might be a stretch. I spent a weekend painting. Then, it sat for a month while I looked at it every day and sighed. Then, I spent one evening this weekend painting. Again followed by sighs.)

This one painting is teaching me about failure.

The lesson: Apparently knowing what I want can be as paralyzing as not knowing what I want - because I'm afraid I'll mess it up.

The reason for the daily sighs .. I was on my fourth or fifth re-do of the painting. I had a version that I finally loved. I was excited to hang it on my wall when it dried. I did one last little thing to finish it off and it ruined it. I painted over the entire canvas in order to re-do it yet again.

Except I was afraid to start - in case I messed it up again.

How does this apply to my life?

I have a job. A fine job. But it's not the thing I'm meant to be doing. For years, I was stuck because I didn't know what exactly it was I was supposed to be doing instead. But when I finally knew the answer, it didn't change anything. I was still stuck. Only now it wasn't because I didn't know what to do, it was because I knew what to do but I didn't want to mess it up.

So .. here's what I've learned from my painting.

Every time I "mess it up", I learn something new. Something that adds to the next version of the painting. Every version is better than the previous version.

Every time I "mess it up", I add a new layer to the painting. I love texture and each layer adds its own elements of interest to the mix.

Better to try and "mess it up" than not to try at all.

In the end, it's just a painting. It is supposed to be fun, but sometimes I take it much too seriously.

Now I just need to remember the lessons.

(By the way, I did re-do the painting after work. And yes, I messed it up again. Clearly this next version is going to be fantastic.)

love thyself

A month or so ago, I spent thirty minutes listening to someone tell me what a horrible and worthless person I am. (Mostly true, by the way; I will never claim to behave perfectly.) It wasn't the first time I had heard this but this time, the effect on me was different.

In truth, it was the greatest gift I could have been given. I spent so many years seeking love and approval from others. I thought I needed it. Somehow, that phone call reminded me that I have all the unconditional love I will ever need - it is inside of me and it is in my relationship with my Creator. In the end, that is all that really matters.

But ever since, the words have been running through my mind in random moments and I could not figure out why. Then it hit me. It was because anything negative that anyone could ever say to me pales in comparison to what I have said to myself in the past.

I have come to believe that one of the most important things we can do in life is to learn to love and forgive ourselves. Because if we could live our lives from a core of absolute peace and love and kindness, doesn't it seem natural that we would be able to extend that peace and love and kindness out to others? Just imagine that world!

Besides, all the great Teachers have essentially said that love is the answer - who am I to argue. (Apparently I am slow because it took me 30-some years to figure out that they weren't just talking about loving others.)

what I think about when I think about running

I'm a runner. No, I'm not a runner; I'm a trail runner. If I were a real runner, would I make myself run on other surfaces anyway? How can I call myself a runner if I'm not running. Why am I not running. I've never gone this long without running before. Is there something wrong. Should I make myself run. What if I make myself run and then it turns into a chore and I don't love it anymore. But I need to run - it clears my mind. So does yoga. But it's where I get my ideas. They come when walking too. But it helps me lose weight more quickly. The weight will be gone when the reasons why you needed the weight are gone - stop trying to rush the process. But it's summer - I always run the trails in the summer. Clearly that isn't true since you are not running right now. But I get to see more trails. You will see them anyway - and now you can bring your camera along. But .. But .. But ..

I finally think I know what the problem is. I identify with the role of a runner. I have this image in my mind of what that role means and, now that I'm not sure I match the image, I am somewhat lost.

I am replacing that role with a new one.

I am a person. Sometimes I run. Sometimes I don't run. That's it. End of story.

a choice isn't (necessarily) forever

I've been trying to discover what is next for me. I know that it's time for a change, and I have lots of great ideas, but it feels like I've just been going around and around and around. Since I didn't know every detail of what that next thing might look like, I continued to do nothing - waiting for the "right thing" to reveal itself to me.

Yesterday, I had an epiphany. The reason that I'm in this place is because I thought that I had to make "the" choice - that whatever I picked, I was stuck with until I died. Based on that criteria, of course the decision had to be perfect. I forgot that if I made a decision and didn't like it or it didn't work out, I could be grateful for the lesson and experience and clarity and then do something else. Now that I have remembered this, I feel so free - I can choose to do anything!

The funny thing is that I don't know how I forgot this. I say it all the time: "If I lose my job, I'll be fine - I'll just go do something else." And I always mean it. I really would be fine. I really would go do something else. And that something else wouldn't even have to be perfect. Maybe it's because in that scenario, someone would be making the harder choice (stay or go) for me.

I'd love to hear your stories around this topic. Do you struggle with making decisions because the decisions have to be perfect? Is it easier for small or large decisions?