let the sun shine in - on me

i believe in kindness but i was never kind to my body.

i always thought that if i were only thin enough, i wouldn't mind my scars as much and i might finally feel somewhat acceptable. even when i wasn't trying to whip my body into submission, i was verbally abusing it. for the scars. for the (perceived) ugliness. for not being good enough.

in retrospect, i can see when the hard and sad years began. they began when i finally lost the weight and realized that there was no such thing as "thin enough" - it was a target that i would continually move so it was always out of reach - and that it wasn't the weight that was the problem at all.

i had lost the weight, but not only was everything not better, it was much much worse. the thing that i thought would fix everything didn't fix anything so i was completely lost and afraid. and in losing the weight, i had lost one of my greatest means of protection.

so now, when i try to only eat what appeals to me and only move in ways that appeal to me and put on lotion after a bath and use my gym membership to sit in the steam room and say thank you & i love you to my body and avoid anything that involves any form of restriction, what i am really doing is practicing kindness. for now - and for all the years before now when i wasn't kind to my body because i didn't think that it (or me) deserved it.

Comments

[jilliankay]

this was beautiful, and a lovely reminder. thank you!

[Kat]

Beautiful girl.
You are so wise.
I love watching this new knowledge dawn and strength unfurl.
It's no coincidence that the word "trust" has found you this year.
x

[kelly]

wise beyond what we grow up feeling and being told is true.
gosh i adore you.

[Tracy]

Lovely Elizabeth... Oh, how this post struck a chord! This post could be my own in so many ways. For along time I was obsessed with being thin, and the last two years of high school I didn't eat... LOL! I can laugh now! Then I was in a car accident that left me with scars, too...at which time I also had a spiritual crisis. My 20's & early 30's were tough years to say the least... haha... Something I realized it that it's somehow so easier to take good care of others, but not myself. After some health issues last fall, I've been trying to change that and be kinder to myself, healthier of body. We deserve our own kindness as much as we give to other. Thank you for this tender-hearted post! Happy Week, my friend ((HUGS))

[jen t]

i especially like the second photo, and i can feel the warmth of the sun. xoxo

[kym]

That was a beautiful poem. Thank you.

May I learn from it.

[Kylie]

I feel like this post could have been written by me. Except that, of course, it has your very special Elizabeth way of saying things.

I'm working on all those things now, too. The lotion part, especially. I've been slathering coconut oil on after my showers, and each day I'm tempted to skip it, but then I do it, and I feel the kindness. It's good.

[kerri]

i know your body must be much happier now- it does so much for us, so we should take care of it, huh?

[elizabeth @ retinal perspectives]

@kerri: it seems like a fair trade, for sure.

@kylie: it does feel like kindness. clearly great minds think alike. ok, i am so curious about coconut oil. is it greasy?

@kym: you are welcome.

@jen t: i was luxuriating in it. so lovely.

@tracy: we really do. sending so much love to you - we are practicing together.

@kelly: <3

@kat: huh. i did not even think of that. clearly it is time.

@jilliankay: you are welcome!

[Helen]

<3 & i love the photos too, and the sun!

[Kathleen Avins]

I am so deeply moved by this.