in which i (finally) give my worry permission to exist

i will confess that this is one of those posts that i am not convinced i want to write. (do i really want to admit how anxiety-prone i am?) at the same time, there are some things that i can tell won't truly begin to shift until i actually write them out. it's easier to type than write, so it seems i am really writing this for me.

i worry about atlas. a lot.

because i love him. because i need him. because there has been lots to worry about in our life together. because among other things, he currently has a heart issue and a seizure-like swallowing issue and separation anxiety and what i suspect is stress-induced colitis and a tummy that can only really tolerate one specific food (not even one brand or one line, one food) and that one food seems to randomly disappear on me.

worrying about atlas is one of my hardest patterns to work on.

since i discovered reiki and shiva nata and started working on my stuff, i have made progress. now, i at least notice when i start to worry. i notice how often i see something amiss and go directly to worry. i notice when someone says, "wow, he looks good for 8!", and i tell them about his health issues. i notice how often i think that if only he were ok, i would feel ok. i notice how often i squander the present for fear of what might happen in the future.

on the plus side, i am much calmer now when something happens that i am familiar with - like his swallowing issues.

still, i haven't made as much progress on this pattern as i would have liked. (ok, i suspect i want my worry to disappear altogether. possibly unrealistic.) also, i seem worse this year. (then again, i chose trust as my word. coincidence? i think not.)

atlas does have legitimate health issues but, for the past year or so, he's been reasonably healthy. i feel like my worry is almost always way out of proportion to what's happening.

i have a theory. havi at the fluent self talks a lot about giving feelings legitimacy and giving yourself permission to feel however you're feeling. i don't think i've ever done that. i think that a lot of my worry is really pain from the past. pain that i never really felt so it's been stuck in my system ever since.

for a lot of the years, i tried to avoid my pain about his health because it hurt too much. when he had parvo, for example, i shopped. a lot. in more recent years, i avoided any hint of anxiety as well; i could see how much it wasn't helping so i tried to push it away by focusing on the positive. also not helpful.

if i want to treat myself with love and kindness, i think i need to give myself permission to feel how i feel. worry is where i am right now.

so here is the thing i want to say to me.

oh, sweetie. of course you're feeling worried about atlas. it makes perfect sense. you have to go to the heart vet today and that makes you nervous. and yes, i totally understand that you don't want to be worried about atlas so much. i know you hate feeling worried and you hate how you are when you're worried and you think you should have made more progress on this pattern by now. i get that. i really get that. you're allowed to be worried and you're allowed to hate being worried. you're allowed to feel all of it. and all of those times in the past when you felt sad and scared and helpless when something was wrong with him - you were allowed to feel that too. truly.

Comments

[tammy]

this was almost like looking into the mirror. i was in your place, only with zeke it was cancer...and i knew the inevitable would happen. they are not dogs to me. they are literally a part of me. at least zeke was. if that's unhealthy of me to think that way i don't care. i kept it all in because i felt that nobody "really" knew what i was going thru...that's when you talk to yourself the most. i understand. and elizabeth, i haven't known you as long or obviously as well as some of the others on here, but i do know that you are a remarkable person. we love you. and we love atlas. and he doesn't want you to worry. take each day as a gift. (i know,easy words.just words.) but i think they gain strength from our strength. my reiki healing combined with yours and others, always. xo

[andrea]

So beautiful and brave Elizabeth.

[Mel]

Between my two sweet pups we could have built one swanky vet clinic (I cover up the worry by joking about it. And I did a lot of shopping too. OMG, between the vet bills and the shopping...) I've come a long way, but it's hard to admit how numb and how in trouble I was about it all.

Your words to yourself are beautiful. I feel inspired & honored to read them.

[Sherron]

Elizabeth, I am envisioning your sweet little worry monsters toddling off to their cozy bed (the one that's filled with lots of fluffy blankets and pillows!)and snuggling in for a long winter's nap.

(Yes, I know it's spring but the metaphor works better with winter!)

[Josiane]

{hugs}

[Jerry Critter]

You worry because you love. We don't want to lose those we love. It is what it is. The worry will not go away because the love will not go away.

[elizabeth @ retinal perspectives]

@jerry: that's better than thinking that i worry because i'm slightly neurotic. ;)

@josiane: <3

@sherron: they can have eternal winter - perfect for snuggling.

@mel: oh man, that's a lot of worry. your pups built a vet clinic. my pup is my house. i joke too. xo

@andrea: thank you.

@tammy: i understand. and i can imagine the pain. sending love and comfort to the you of now and the you of then.

[Stephanie]

Sending you big hugs...I feel speachless reading all that you are going through together, you and Atlas. xoxo

[Jerry Critter]

Everybody worries. It is not neurotic. You love Atlas and do not want to lose him. That is normal, not neurotic. Our dogs are family members, and they love us UNCONDITIONALLY. Where else can you get that? Of course we worry about losing it. It will be a loss that cannot be replaced.

[Patty]

Such wise words have already been said above. I will just add my hugs and the fact that I totally get every single word you have written. Completley.

[Gayle]

I think Jerry Critter put it perfectly. "You worry because you love." Hugs to both you and Atlas.

[jennifer h.]

elizabeth, your note to yourself is beautiful ~ I second every word of it. hugs and love to you and atlas.

[kate]

oh I wish I could take your worry away. I know how deeply you care for Atlas. Instead, I will just hold the space for you to feel how you feel. And thanks so much for sharing that post from The Fluent Self. I needed that today. hugs.

[Deborah Carr]

I, too, love my dog to distraction. She fills every corner of my heart. How can we not worry? I sometimes find myself wondering what I will do when she is gone. Then I go hug her and ruffle her ears and lay down with her and we cuddle. I'm squeezing every loving moment that we have left out of her.

[Deborah Carr]

Oh, and PS: That is an absolutely priceless photo. I want to hug Atlas myself!

[Julie M.]

Beautiful. You touched on something so big and important here. Love to you and Atlas!