andrea shared a messy parenthood story on superhero journal yesterday. it made me think of my own messy stories, especially the ones i shy away from sharing because i feel particularly embarrassed. i don't know why this is exactly, i realize that we are none of us perfect, but somehow it often feels like maybe that isn't really true. that maybe everyone else really is perfect, and i am the only exception. it sounds so silly when i say it but it feels so true in my mind. anyway, andrea inspired me to share one of my own messy stories.
atlas has the best ears. they are soft like velvet and irresistible. but he doesn't like people to touch his ears or play with his ears. ever.
when atlas first came to live with me, he was a show dog, so we had to spend some time at dog shows.
i didn't love dog shows. the weather was usually hot. there were lots and lots of dogs around. there was stress and excitement in the air. atlas had to wear a show collar and if he pulled or i pulled, it would tighten around his neck, so i didn't like to pull. it just wasn't an environment that i felt at all comfortable in.
in the midst of all of that commotion, i was a brand new dog person learning how to be a dog person and atlas was an excited clever energetic empathic weimaraner puppy.
with all the stress and excitement and heat, it was often hard to get him to listen to me. probably at least once or twice during every dog show, when i couldn't get him to listen and really needed him to listen, i would run out of ideas and options and patience. the only thing i could think to do in those moments of frustration and helplessness was to pinch one of his ears to get his attention.
instantly, my beloved puppy would give this tiny little yelp. the yelp would break my heart and i would hug him and apologize. and yet, in another moment of frustration and helplessness, i would do it again.
it still hurts my heart to think about this. and i'm pretty sure that's why he doesn't like his ears touched. (well, that and regular ear infections.)
you know, i don't really know how to end this. i don't want this to be a story with a lesson or a nice neat ending. i just want to agree that yeah, life is messy, so i guess my messy story will have a messy ending.
this touched me on many points. i had a little golden cocker puppy once and i gave her baths... she loved the bath. but when time to dry i used a blow dryer. i thought she was just squirming the way puppies do. in fact she was terrified. whenever i would even use the blow dryer on my own hair she would hide. i have felt guilty over that for years. by the way... the first (of many) ear infections she got was when i took her to the vet to be "groomed." i don't know what they did.. all i know was i had never had a problem before.
i silently beat myself up for so many things. i know when i'm doing it. yet i keep doing it.
the truth is... the world beats us up sufficiently enough.. we don't need to help it along! we must remember that.
he adores you. you are his person. and maybe his velvet ears are simply super sensitive and it has NOTHING to do with the little pinches.
that's what atlas and i choose to think!
love,
tammy j
Posted by: tammy | 09/09/2011 at 03:24 AM
aw, tammy j's comment made me tear up. i like what she chooses to believe! me too.
life is messy. we *do* have those moments. i have a messy story that pricks my heart, but the only person i ever told was my mom. i just can't bear to share it! i love the sort of emotion and peace that can come in full honesty like messy stories revealed.
you are beautiful!!!
Posted by: jen t | 09/09/2011 at 08:07 AM
"maybe everyone else really is perfect, and i am the only exception. it sounds so silly when i say it but it feels so true in my mind."
I know this feeling too. it's very brave of you to share your messy story. none of us are perfect, and each of us are at least a little messy. it's easier (in a way) to meet one other in that soft space of vulnerability, and make honest connections there. thank you for sharing your messiness.
xo
Posted by: {Sarah} | 09/09/2011 at 08:16 AM
Atlas forgives you!
Posted by: Jerry Critter | 09/09/2011 at 08:58 AM
So many things don't wrap up neatly. That's part of being human.
Thank you for sharing this story. I can relate to it. I truly believe that we each are doing the absolute best we can with the skills we have in each moment. But I know that as I learn more/different skills, it can be hard sometimes to look back at where I came from and remember that it was the best I could do at that time. In some ways I think it's even worse to recognize in the moment that there has to be a better way/a better skillset, but not to know what that way or skillset is, or worse yet, to know but not be able to do them in that moment.
Posted by: steph | 09/09/2011 at 08:09 PM
i know how the messy moments can sting when you look back on them, they can be so disappointing. perhaps nothing requires more self compassion ~ i struggle with this.
Posted by: jennifer h. | 09/12/2011 at 08:10 AM
@jennifer: i do too. maybe it just takes time and practice.
@steph: yes, that's it exactly. i knew in the moment that i wanted to use positive reinforcement and that i was not doing what i wanted to do, and that makes it harder.
@jerry: of course he does! that's what i love about him.
@sarah: that is so true. "the soft space of vulnerability" does make it easier to connect, though it's easy to forget that.
@jen t: i'm glad you had your mom to listen. it does seem to help to get them out. things that are left inside seem to fester.
@tammy: "the world beats us up sufficiently enough.. we don't need to help it along! we must remember that." such wisdom here. i keep coming back to it. thank you for sharing your messy story. xo
Posted by: elizabeth @ retinal perspectives | 09/12/2011 at 05:21 PM