the dawning of the light, volume 3

{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

i keep trying to write a post about the darker side of radiance - the things that have come up for attention since i invoked the power of radiance - but it. is. just. not. flowing. it feels sluggish and heavy and dark.

sluggish and heavy and dark is rather how it feels to work on all of this at times, but the thing that saves me is my sense of humor and my fascination with how my mind works, so the energy of this particular post is all wrong and i cannot publish it.

instead, here is a quick list of things i have learned this month. as i write each one down, i am sending the underlying pattern love and giving it permission to exist. and i am also giving myself permission to be glad that most of them are on their way out.

• it doesn't really matter what nice things people say about you, unless you believe them yourself.
• voices that are older and more familiar, even if they are mean and hurtful, are easier to believe.
• even if i believe i am worthy now, old patterns that are based on the (now faulty) premise that i am unworthy need to come up for attention so i can look at them with fresh eyes.
• i am very good at projecting my own beliefs about myself onto the people in my relationships, which is why i am always waiting for the moment when they leave.
• of course it is hard for me to be vulnerable and to tell people how wonderful i think they are and how much i care about them if i am waiting for them to leave.
• my identity for 30 plus years has been based on the belief that i am unworthy. by invoking radiance, i am asking for my entire identity to shift. i sort of missed this part.
• practicing vulnerability in relationships is hard and important and very worth it.
• goodness, or the anticipation of goodness, can be scary too.

om shanti shanti shanti.

Comments

[Tracy]

Such raw honesty in your sharing here today, Elizabeth... I'm in wonderment. I loved what you said in your list as so much I could relate to as well at one time or another. And especially, "my identity for 30 plus years has been based on the belief that i am unworthy...." By invoking radiance, I love that you are reclaiming your beautiful, real identity and exceptional worthiness. It took me a long to time to connect with the truth that only I can claim my own worthiness. No one can make that happen for me. It's a big thing. Your radiance posts offer much food for thought! :o) ((HUGS))

[tammy]

i love the images above.
i think you've captured the dark side of radiance well.
and there is something very brave about grass raising its little green head even when its possibly drowning!
i have been a "people pleaser" my entire life.
i think it had to do with moving so much as a child, due to my father's work. you learn early the art of adapting. to everything. and in doing that, you lose a part of yourself.
i know it's a paradox, but i am an extroverted hermit. anais nin said there were two types of people to her... cold or warm.
i am a warm person. but when i'm around a cold person, i always wonder what's wrong with me!
good grief charlie brown!
yes. i'm a charlie brown too.
here's to all us charlie browns in the world.
hugs dear friend for this post in all its "raw honesty" as tracy so eloquently said.
you don't realize it. and i don't know why you don't. but you are a gift.
tammy j brown

[Kris]

That's a powerful list there. Illuminating. I see much of the same in myself too.

[Ann Bimberg]

"practicing vulnerability in relationships is hard" is so true. Especially if you have been burned doing this.

[Marcie]

And all I can add to this is a deep and heartfelt namaste'. Absolutely beautiful!

[elizabeth @ retinal perspectives]

@marcie: namaste.

@ann: heartfelt sigh for your pain.

@kris: sending love to you.

@tammy: charlie brown! people pleasing is familiar to me too. pleasing or morphing. i am intrigued by the phrase "extroverted hermit". i'd love to hear more about what that means, if you are willing to share.

@tracy: so true. no one else (or nothing else) can give that to me. it's a good truth to learn. xo

[Helen]

yay you for picking radiance as one of your words even though it's tough! i saved my hard word for another year in the future because i didn't feel ready to work on it yet. (and yet i'm pretty sure it's working itself into this year, so that didn't work) :)