on wanting

i am following a number of threads, and they are all leading me to the same place - to the wanting.

thread the first.

for a long while, whenever i asked the question, "what is between me and earning money?", the answer that came was usually some variation of, "i don't want to earn money".

this was supremely frustrating to me. it seemed illogical - of course i want to earn money. it also seemed more and more hopeless - i have worked through so many layers of this belief and yet there it would be again. it is so frustrating to want to earn money and to find that you are - yet again - in your own way.

this came up again a couple of weeks ago. i asked, "what is between me and earning money?" the answer was, "i don't want to earn money" and then i cried, though i didn't really know why.

i sat with the question and answer. i felt a swirling in my belly. when i felt into it, what came up was, "what if i want to earn money and then i don't? what if i'm not enough?" i had the sense of an abyss, of terror, of wanting something to happen but it wasn't happening and i couldn't make it happen and so i decided that there must be something wrong with me. i had the sense that i stopped wanting in that moment because not wanting was a better reason for not getting something than feeling like there was something wrong with me, that i was wrong.

when i talked to the fear of wanting to earn money during a meditation, the image i got was of a very tiny baby screaming as loud as it could. it said that it was afraid that the pain would be so great that i would disintegrate, and the only way it could keep me safe from that pain was to keep me from wanting.

thread the second.

i might have mentioned this before, but i am reading your dog is your mirror (kevin behan). i just read a chapter that was very interesting to me. in it, the author talks about wanting. he talks about how, as we become aware of our self in relation to others, we begin to realize that others have something to do with our wants coming true. he talks about how we learn to justify our wants to satisfy the people we need in order to get what we want. he talks about how the only way we know how to make sense of our wants being corrected or denied is to create judgments like "i am not good enough to have what i want" because we are not old enough to have the necessary perspective.

the general idea of the book is that dogs manifest our unresolved emotional issues. he says that it takes his dogs about eight years to manifest his deepest stuff.

when i look at atlas, and the things i most love and the things i find most annoying about atlas, they are all related to wanting. interestingly, when atlas turned 8 1/2, which was also the time of our 8 year anniversary, i remember saying to one of the girls at the pet store, "it's like he woke up one day and said, 'i am 8 1/2 now! we shall do what i want from here on out!'"

in atlas, i can see a perfect mirror of my relationship with wanting. i can see that i think you have to subdue or ignore or set aside your wants in favor of what other people want in order to be good or liked or wanted or accepted.

thread the third.

i was sitting at the dinner table yesterday, feeling guilty that i wasn't giving atlas some of my meat sauce. never mind that it was my dinner and i had already fed him. i asked what was behind the guilt. i could feel that it was something that would make me cry, only i was trying to avoid it.

i sat with it for a while, and then i realized what it was. when i see atlas' hopeful expectant expression, it reminds me of me - and how i never get to feel that. i am avoiding the guilt of disappointing him by feeding him, because i am afraid that if i feel the guilt, i will feel my own loss, and i am avoiding that at all costs.

except i felt it in that moment, and now i do feel lighter.

i don't know where all of this is leading exactly, but i think it is leading me toward a better relationship with wanting, and with wanting what i want, and i am really looking forward to getting there.

Comments

[Tracy]

WOW, Elizabeth... this was some pretty powerful sharing today! And I'm intrigued with the associations of our inner psyche tied to our pets. It is interesting the questions that surround wanting or longing, and how guilt factors into it, as well as poor sense of self. Your musings on earning are timely for me as I sit with questions of how can I be earning more, how can I get more of my art "out there" to create a real income for myself and still do what I love. Those feelings of I'm not enough--not smart enough, not educated enough, not talented enough, etc.--have been surfacing. This is old stuff, and while I've made progress with some of this over the years, some residue is there. Perhaps a question is, I find my work of values, but will anyone else, and therefore what kind of price tag can I put on that. Always a tough one, this money stuff for me. So much food for thought here... I must sit with this post of yours a bit longer! Do hope you'll come back to this topic, and share more insights. :o) ((HUGS))

[tammy j]

there was a young wife.
she was over-the-top in love with her handsome successful husband. she never wanted the same things he did. he was not materialistic in the sense that people are... he simply loved his work and had fun making money. it was the fun that drew him to it. and he was successful.
she was creative. minimalistic. happy just to be. but then she could afford to be. she was taken care of very well. she had no worries.
then cancer in a smothering black veil entered their young lives and nothing was ever the same again.
he left.
and the way he left and the way the world is arranged materialistically... they took all the money to pay for his leaving. she had very little.
she was okay with that. but she had to get busy. she who never was proned to worry about anything now worried about everything. would she even survive? sometimes she would know sheer panic.
she soon became a drone. she lived in a little grey cubicle. she loved the people she worked with because her nature is love.
but something inside would cry all alone.
forgotten.
she worked for 25 years. sometimes she was so burned out she thought death would be better surely. but it never was.
what died was that spark of creativity that the grey cubicle kills so well.
if you let it.
now she is considered an old lady i guess. 66.
but the secret is... you never feel older really. only the number gets older and the way the world classifies you.
now... thanks to elizabeth and tracy and rhayne and miss minimalist and others in this wonderful world of websites... her own creativity is telling her that living life with love and being present in every way is an art.
she says from the depths of her being...
as long as you have enough to put a roof over your head and simple food on your table...
and if you can be content... for contentment is an art in itself...the panic will subside.
it took too many years for her to learn that.
what is it the old man said?
when you know you have enough you are rich.
and you both are so rich with love and young wisdom and light.
and e...
i sometimes think maybe you are a little saint or monk in disguise.
not to embarrass you too much here on a public site! hahahaha.
love and hugs to you and atlas (sir atlas!)
tammy j

[steph]

Thank you for sharing this, elizabeth.

[Briana]

a little saint or a monk in disguise, yes. and i think your disguise may be starting to slip...

xo

[Julie M.]

I feel blessed for having read this post and the comments. Especially this: "when you know you have enough you are rich". Thank you all for sharing.

[elizabeth @ retinal perspectives]

@julie: me too.

@briana: i am picturing myself as friar tuck. ;)

@steph: you are welcome.

@tammy: i feel so touched and honored to read your story. thank you for sharing it. i love "content is an art in itself" and "when you know you have enough you are rich"; i want to remember them both. your creativity and your love for life come through in your comments. xo

@tracy: i find money so fascinating. and though it is frustrating sometimes, i do like to imagine that residue coming up is good because then it can be cleared and i can be free. eventually. hopefully. sending you love and support as you work through those questions for yourself.

[robin]

this is a lovely view into your heart of hearts elizabeth. not easy to experience this awareness or maybe especially to write but to read this is an experience of love. thank you and i also appreciate the comments from your awesome friends!
xo

[Patty]

Wow - Elizabeth, I just read every word here including the wonderful sharing of your sweet friends. I wish we could all just sit down over a cuppa something (whatever it is you are drinking these days!) and hash some of this out. Because I can relate to so much of it but I often don't feel that there is anyone here in my immediate life who would begin to understand.
Anyway, thanks for stepping up and putting the thoughts of your heart out there. You have such great insights and I know (at least for me!) when you write something like this out, it helps deliver some clarity to your own thinking. XOX

[elizabeth @ retinal perspectives]

@patty: i agree. there is something about writing it out (or talking it out) that helps clarify things greatly. i wish i could sit down with a drink with you. maybe someday we will have to play with skype.

@robin: fortunately, i find my psyche fascinating, so after a few tears fall, i am intrigued by the knowledge. thank you for visiting and sharing your response!

[erin]

this is pure honesty. thank you for showing your vulnerability. very courageous.